White Men Don’t Like Black Women? Says Who?

black-woman-white-man

Note: Some may take offense to this post. My goal with this post is to be honest.

That white men don’t desire black women as romantic partners is a concept accepted –in fact, promoted– by many black Americans, without questioning. Ask a random black person in the United States what they think of relationships involving black women and white men and you’re likely to get responses which lead back to this theory; the theory that white men simply aren’t attracted to black women.

As a black woman who has been in relationships with men from a variety of ethnic and racial backgrounds, and whose current partner is white, I was at first puzzled by these statements. Besides that I was completely unaware that as a woman of African descent I was supposed to be considered undesirable to men I was regularly involved with, two aspects of this phenomenon impressed upon me. (1) It wasn’t only racist whites who were encouraging the notion that white men aren’t attracted to black women, but blacks; even black women and (2) not only did blacks believe this idea, but they forcefully try to convince anyone who disagrees that their belief is the set in stone truth.

But why? Why are blacks spending so much time advocating this idea? I’ve analyzed this phenomenon and have concluded that its basis lies in three major areas:

  • Internalization of Eurocentric Beauty Standards
  • Black Women as Competition
  • Control of Black Women and Black Women as the Backbone of the “Black Community”

Internalization of Eurocentric Beauty Standards

Among racially aware blacks there is much talk that standards of beauty are heavily centered on a European appearance; that this is one of the main reasons why white men aren’t attracted to women of African descent. But what is less mentioned is the extent to which blacks themselves have internalized these standards.

black-woman-white-man-interracialMany blacks have adopted Euro-centered standards of beauty for women. Due to this, blacks do not believe the average black woman can compare to most non-black women, when it comes to attracting white and other non-black women as partners. Since they think that black women are inferior to non-black women in looks they reason that everyone else, especially white men, also believes this. So much so that they will argue with white men who speak to the contrary.

Black Women as Competition

In face of the gains that black women have made in education and career, some black men have begun to view black women as their rivals. Since interracial marriage was legalized in the United States, black men have inter-married in greater numbers than have black women. Some have taken this to mean they are more desirable than black women on a large scale – and they would like it to remain that way. If black women were to date and marry white men in larger numbers, it would mean that black men lose their self-proclaimed position in the “racial hierarchy.” It is to their advantage to have black women (and everyone else) believe that black women are undesirable to white and other non-black men.

The Control of Black Women

As with most groups in the world, black Americans adhere to patriarchal standards. Black men are granted privileges that black women are not, including the privilege to date and marry interracially with less backlash from their fellow blacks. Black women are the “mothers” of the race; its backbone. Various ways of control are used to make sure that black women stay in this position, one of the most prominent being the idea that white men won’t seriously involve themselves with black women anyway.

Some black men see black women are their territory and property. Black women are theirs only, not to be touched by other men — especially not white men. What better way to guarantee that other men do not gain their property than to promote the idea that black women are unattractive to these men? In this way, both black women and white men are discouraged from being involved with each other. Two birds killed with one stone.

See also:

About these ads

28 thoughts on “White Men Don’t Like Black Women? Says Who?

  1. White Men Don’t Like Black Women? Says Who?
    You?

    Not me, not me! I swear! lol

    http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lde6riuvEI1qbg9xgo1_500.jpg
    (I ship them hard).

    Most of the IR couples I know (online… but those are the only ones I know) are black woman/white man ones. So whenever I think of an interracial couple, I think of a black woman and a white man.

    So it has to be a cultural thing. I don’t think these stereotypes exist in my culture. (Different forms of racism, yes, but not this particular stereotype).

  2. “Not me, not me! I swear! lol”

    Lol. Okay, I trust you.

    “Most of the IR couples I know (online… but those are the only ones I know) are black woman/white man ones.”

    Same here, IRL and online. But that probably has more to do with me and my relationship. It seems that black women/white men couples attract and like each other.

    “So it has to be a cultural thing.”

    It’s definitely a cultural phenomenon more particular to the United States. Many non-Americans think this whole deal is plain weird. However, some of my UK friends and family say there’s a little bit of the same thinking there (which is odd, considering how much more common these pairings are over there). I guess it makes sense because the two countries are so tied together historically.

  3. Mira,

    What movie is that screen cap from? I don’t think I’ve seen it.

    Alee,

    It seems that black women/white men couples attract and like each other.

    I agree. :-) Maybe because it can be comforting to know other people go through the same thing and just let it slide off? You don’t have to worry about being a novelty.

    I think one problem people have with Black women who attract White men in particular is that it violates their “either/or” mentality. Either you attract Black men (or, if you don’t, sit around waiting for their crumbs of affection out of loyalty) or you are rejected by Black men and date White men out of spite. The idea that you could attract (and be attracted to) both is baffling to some.

    I know you mentioned elsewhere that you and your sister were fetishized by some Black men when you were younger for being light-skinned with long hair–it’d be interesting to hear about the dynamics of that mixed with IR dating.

  4. Very thought provoking article. I’m getting ready, slowly, to leave for partying, so can’t gather my thoughts. Just wanted to say that this “phenomenon: of white men finding black women undesirable” I’ve only encountered online and only since I started (unfortunately in some cases) reading BWIR blogs. The deep seated insecurities many of the posters expressed left me fathomless as to why black women are considered “strong”. I got the impression most were being brainwashed and because the USofA is mostly still segregated, they couldn’t see all that you’ve expounded upon. I make an effort now, whenever I visit a site like youtube and read negative comments to hit the commenter with a reverse psychology analysis. Often times it’s either white women, black men who are the main culprits, but some racist white men and some Asian men too (one mentioned why we have stereotypes so I mentioned like the “Asian men have small penises…..”). Nonetheless it’s all rather tiring….

    Must finish preparing my outfit. Have a wonderful start for the new year!
    Guten Rutsch!

  5. More WM like BW than will admit it to their white peers, I think. Of course, there is the bias towards the light skinned, ambiguous black woman (you can see that kind of black chick in every other commercial, and when the dark black woman is shown, it’s the woman in the commercial with the attitude.

    Then there are the (usually older) white guy ebony pervs…. who think the darker the better. Black chicks need to be wary of these guys. Obviously, if you’re a BW and thinking about dating a WM, you wouldn’t want him to favor asian or white porn, over ebony (while of course you’d all probably favor them not to watch porn at all, if you’re with them).

  6. Oh and to add: the white women (jealous, negative, insecure haters online) were always American!!!. European women don’t indulge in “who’s prettier” pettiness. They’re too sophisticated to write such shallowness, besides the fact that I live here and get plenty, I mean tons of compliments from women here who love my naturalness and the fact that my smooth, blemish free chocolate skin needs only some red lipstick and it looks like I’ve spent hours in a make up chair, it justs transform my whole features!.

  7. Jasmin,

    “I agree. :-) Maybe because it can be comforting to know other people go through the same thing and just let it slide off? You don’t have to worry about being a novelty.”

    Yup, I think that’s part of it. I know a middle-aged black woman/white man couple that has a little daughter and every time I see them I just smile all day. I know it must have been even harder for them when they were getting together (in the late 80s).

    “I think one problem people have with Black women who attract White men in particular is that it violates their “either/or” mentality. Either you attract Black men (or, if you don’t, sit around waiting for their crumbs of affection out of loyalty) or you are rejected by Black men and date White men out of spite.”

    I know. It’s really weird. I don’t understand why it has to be a dichotomy for some people. My dating other men has nothing to do with black men.

    “I know you mentioned elsewhere that you and your sister were fetishized by some Black men when you were younger for being light-skinned with long hair–it’d be interesting to hear about the dynamics of that mixed with IR dating.”

    Yes… it’s still that way. It’s odd because I hear two things from people surprised I’m not with a black guy, but a white guy. Either:

    (a) They are surprised since they think only darker-skinned black woman date white men because they “can’t get” a black man. They think that I look like the type that black men like.

    or

    (b) They think it “makes sense” because white men only like black women that are lighter-skinned (which is so clearly not true in my experience… most of the black women I know with white men are darker).

    I just think “So which is it?” Sometimes people can’t get their stereotypes together…

  8. foosrock,

    “Just wanted to say that this “phenomenon: of white men finding black women undesirable” I’ve only encountered online and only since I started (unfortunately in some cases) reading BWIR blogs.”

    Same with me: I’d only found out about it online. I was going around dating whoever I wanted, completely oblivious to this “fact” my whole life until the knowledgeable black internet bloggers and commenters enlightened me. ;)

    But after initially reading about, I then kept hearing it more and more IRL as well.

    “The deep seated insecurities many of the posters expressed left me fathomless as to why black women are considered “strong”. I got the impression most were being brainwashed and because the USofA is mostly still segregated, they couldn’t see all that you’ve expounded upon.”

    Ha, black women are no “stronger” than anyone else. Some put on a persona, but those are the same ones that are truly broken inside.

    They are definitely brainwashed. And since most have no experience with white men, by and large, they believe it.

    “I make an effort now, whenever I visit a site like youtube and read negative comments to hit the commenter with a reverse psychology analysis. Often times it’s either white women, black men who are the main culprits, but some racist white men and some Asian men too”

    I find that a lot of other people do pretend to be black women online, “informing” black women that they are “nothing”, so they’d better stay in their place. It’s pretty pathetic, because it’s so transparent.

    “Oh and to add: the white women (jealous, negative, insecure haters online) were always American!!!”

    I know, it’s a peculiar American/English thing: white men/women always versus black men/women. They are painted as opposites, and pitted against each other.

    “Have a wonderful start for the new year!
    Guten Rutsch!”

    Happy New Year. :)

  9. AJ,

    “More WM like BW than will admit it to their white peers, I think.”

    I have no respect for white men like this. Zero. Thank goodness no white guys I’m friends with think this way.

    “Of course, there is the bias towards the light skinned, ambiguous black woman (you can see that kind of black chick in every other commercial, and when the dark black woman is shown, it’s the woman in the commercial with the attitude.”

    I wonder who is casting these women?

    “Obviously, if you’re a BW and thinking about dating a WM, you wouldn’t want him to favor asian or white porn, over ebony (while of course you’d all probably favor them not to watch porn at all, if you’re with them).”

    Ummm… yeah. No porn is my option. *looks at you from corner of eye*

    I also wonder about with this word, “ebony”. It just screams fetish.

  10. Jasmin,
    Mira,
    What movie is that screen cap from? I don’t think I’ve seen it.

    It’s Danny Boyle’s 28 Days Later. It’s quite good. I am not into this genre of movies, but this one was different.

    Besides the main plot of the film, there are interesting characters. A woman who could have easily been a standard “strong black woman” turned out to be something else… And the guy’s transformation from a shy boy who blushes when a girl kisses him on the cheek to the rage filled man is one of the main points of the film.

    And obviously, there’s more:
    http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ldf0s9cdfH1qbg9xgo1_500.jpg

    foosrock!
    Oh and to add: the white women (jealous, negative, insecure haters online) were always American!!!. European women don’t indulge in “who’s prettier” pettiness.

    Why of course! ;) lol
    Now, seriously, I wouldn’t go that far. European women DO indulge in “who’s prettier” pettiness a lot. But I guess it all depends on cultural norms, and in some cultures women of different races are not seen as the polar opposites, in a way if you like one group, you can’t like another, and if one group is seen as attractive, another one isn’t.

    AJ
    Obviously, if you’re a BW and thinking about dating a WM, you wouldn’t want him to favor asian or white porn, over ebony.

    Not sure what porn has to do with anything, but I wouldn’t count porn as particularly important. I am generally not against it, but I must say I despise IR porn of any kind (and I am attracted to both white and non-white men). However, your usual IR porn is very racist, in addition to being sexist (which any porn usually is).

    So liking only same race porn, or only white on white porn is not a red flag, imo. It’s better to watch that than a racist IR porn.

  11. Alee,

    In AJ’s defense, I believe “ebony” is the genre-specific term and not his random choice of words. (I might be mistaken, though).

  12. Hi Mira
    Happy New Year to you and all!

    I was more making a point of the race issue where white American jealousy re other women of different races are concerned and their beauty, because in America and like Alee pointed out the English speaking world mostly, it seems like this overt jealousy is more pronounced, ie, they (white women) HATE to admit that other races of women are just as beautiful. It’s only now that Asian women are getting their due, but that’s because white American men are very vocal about their attraction to Asian women, funnily though, many of them seem to prefer the “whiter” ones, ie, East Asian as oppose to the very lovely, darker and friendlier Southern Asian. This is not so in Europe. Most of the relationships I see are with darker Asian women. My point is though that we women do compete on superficial levels irrespective of our educational/career achievements, but what I don’t find is European women saying: “this race of women are ugly” but yet want said race of women’s men!!!. White American women are certainly a case for Freud!.

  13. Mira,

    “Not sure what porn has to do with anything”

    Me either. Except as linked to the “white guy ebony perv” issue.

    “In AJ’s defense, I believe “ebony” is the genre-specific term and not his random choice of words. (I might be mistaken, though).”

    Oh, I know. AJ doesn’t have a fetish… :)

    Nkosazana,

    “So if you like dark skin your a perv. Got it.”

    LOL.

    I don’t think that’s what he meant. It’s just that in the U.S., there seems to be a subset of men who only like black women for their dark skin, not any personal attributes. Usually these men make a big deal about liking “chocolate” and how it’s “sexy” etc.

    foosrock,

    “…It’s only now that Asian women are getting their due, but that’s because white American men are very vocal about their attraction to Asian women”

    I guess you could see it that way, but I notice that people have a way of framing relationships around what men want. Thus you get much more of “white men want black women” or “black men want white women” etc, instead of the opposite “black women want white men” etc.

    In every case of prominent interracial relationships, you’ll notice there is a mutual attraction. After all, men can’t be with women who don’t want to be with them. East Asian women also like white men. (possibly more than other non-white women?)

    “what I don’t find is European women saying: “this race of women are ugly” but yet want said race of women’s men!!!”

    You’ll notice a lot of this sort of sentiment in America, if you listen closely. It’s not unusual for a group of women (or men) to revere another race of men (or women), while thinking very little of the other gender of that same race. I know a few white men who think Asian men are a laughing stock yet like Asian women. It’s quite interesting. But I think it’s human nature — they’re the competition for the people you want.

  14. i WONDER WHY WHITE MEN ARE ALWAYS COMING ON TO ME ONLINE. THEY DON’T COME ON TO ME IN PUBLIC

  15. Internalization of Eurocentric Beauty Standards

    Tbh, I feel that is a bit weak minded. Especially from black men. I don’t know if white men are really into that as people say, I think it affects black men more than any other. I never really felt ugly because I’m black. I’ve had other issues (mainly class issues when I started to date hubby since I wasn’t the best dressed women for example while I was a poor student. All my money went to rent and food) but not never felt particular ugly because of my ‘race’.

    I don’t know, I think at least white men around here are looking for more exotic women nowadays, I checked the immigration and apparently WAY ‘females’ from certain parts of Africa and Asia and even Brazil than males comes here alone. And when you really look, you see more WM here with non WW than the reverse, in all but middle eastern guys and Swedish girls.

    Black Women as Competition

    Foolishness, so black men can’t compete elsewhere in life against any other group (white, asian, latino etc..), So they have to use their ‘Mandingo’ charm and push down black women? I swear if black men get a head start they are going to find some way of screwing things up. And some how making it black women’s fault.

    The Control of Black Women

    I think every group of men does that to a more or less extent. BM takes it’s to an extreme though right now in time, they have an invested interest in having black women waiting for them in the background while they are out with Becky as you said.

  16. Hi Nkosazana :D

    “Tbh, I feel that is a bit weak minded. Especially from black men. I don’t know if white men are really into that as people say, I think it affects black men more than any other.”

    I think white men are affected by Euro beauty standards — I think more or less everyone is, whether they live in Europe, the U.S., or elsewhere. But for white men, the Euro beauty standard is just the beauty standard. They are white, everyone around them is white; that’s what they know. But with black men, living in a society where Euro beauty standards rule the day, they begin to take on those standards as well.

    “so black men can’t compete elsewhere in life against any other group (white, asian, latino etc..), So they have to use their ‘Mandingo’ charm and push down black women?”

    It’s all about the racial/gender hierarchy. Everyone’s always trying to keep their place and/or keep others from moving up.

    “I think every group of men does that to a more or less extent.”

    They do. But you’re right that its more extreme in highly sexist and/or misogynist communities like most black communities.

  17. Love this blog! It is so informal without being racist and having racist trolls all over the place unlike the [X] blog. And this blog is really interesting as well. Yeah, I am 16 and I don’t really feel White guys like Black girls because I have never been approached by one. Some White guys have liked me and I am attracted to them but too scared to actually date them. The last White guy I liked didn’t like me back and the only time White guys approach me it is on the internet. I didn’t know this White dude in my class liked me until he called me a cutie on the internet! Strange. It is like they are afraid of being with Black girls on the streets etc. The European White guys are different. They, a lot if not most like Black women, or seem to. They are so different from the White American guys and I love it!
    And [X] said that White men don’t like Black women because he feels White men don’t find Black women attractive in his quote, ”Not enough good looks in Black women”. And that they don’t want Black children. But that doesn’t make sense because if you have a Black parent and a non Black parent, the child is mixed not Black! He banned me off of his website. Anyways, I like this article and we, as people should realize beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

  18. Hi Adeen, welcome.

    I had to edit your comment a bit because I don’t want other blogs being mentioned here, especially in a negative manner.

    But I appreciate your comment and I’ll say there is less pressure in interacting with people on the internet, so your comment makes sense; people who are shy or apprehensive offline can be more open online. My advice if you want 3D interaction: approach the guys! Say hello, introduce yourself, make a friendly comment about a class you have together. Just don’t chase them…

    “they don’t want Black children. But that doesn’t make sense because if you have a Black parent and a non Black parent, the child is mixed not Black!”

    Technically, yes. But a good amount of these children will both be seen and see themselves as black. Most of them, currently. Barack Obama is first black president of the U.S., Halle Berry is the first black woman to win an Oscar for Best Actress. Etc. So in that socio-political sense, yes, the man will have “black” children.

  19. I thin the sisters should start beating the hell out of white females; they are the worst ones, in my experiences, for popularizing the idea that black women are less desirable. Most white men have no problem at all with dating an attractive black woman – but white females hate it, and immediately call it a predatory or colonial relationship, because they instinctively realize that most white men are sickened by the antics of self-indulgent, psychotic, misandrist white females and want better options. Black women frequently are those “better options,” and that infuriates the white female because she has been told all her life that she is better than all other women – all other people – on this earth. Sure, she may use the alleged plight of minority women as a cudgel to bash her own men, and she may call white male sex tourists predators (though, when she does it, it’s a “romantic” vacation), but, at the end of the day, she is contemptuous of non-white women and it manifests itself in the ugly things they say about black women when their backs are turned (see it all the time in the professional realm). Sisters, don’t fall for jewish white females and their malarkey when they claim to speak on your behalf; they only ever think of themselves in the end.

  20. faulknerschild,

    I can see where you’re coming from with your analysis, but I can’t completely agree. Some in the black community have their own negative ideas about black women that they cultivated on their own, without the influence of individual white women. Other people may have their own issues with black women, but black people are solely responsible for creating this mindset within their own groups — I’m not passing the blame on to anyone else.

  21. Well it is true according to statistics.
    White men choice:
    White women: 50000000, Asian women 529000, Other 488000, Black women 168000
    Stats show black women are least chosen

  22. the numbers reflect truth.
    white wives 50mill /black wives 168000
    thats 250 t0 1
    n a percentage of 0.5%

    thats not plenty love

  23. I think if you check out the stat’s you might find that black-man/white-woman couples are twice as likely to divorce as white-man/white-woman couples while white man/black-woman couples are but half as likely as white-man/white-woman couples to divorce. What does this mean? You guess. But if your a single black woman and a white guy smiles at you with a rather sexy look you might find that returning that smile turns out to be your lifes happiest decision.

  24. faulknerschild I want to add something to that Sometimes White Women will get mad if they see a Black Woman With a White man ESPECIALLY if the have a *CRUSH* on them.

  25. I like your post. Black women are the most stunning women on this planet. There are no ugly Black women, you know? I mean, Black women are full and sexy. OK, some White guys admitted that Black ladies are strong in bed. What else do you need from a girl? Yes, they are goody. So, there are many interracial marriages between Black ladies with white men, which is common.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s