Why You Have No Female Friends

no-female-friends

Maybe it’s not them. Maybe it’s you.

Some women effortlessly make friends with other women, while others struggle to find female companionship and instead find themselves at odds with the women they meet. Many of these women conclude that there is just something uniquely intolerable about women that prevents them from getting along with them. Rarely do such women analyze their own behavior in their quest to understand why they lack female friends.

Unfortunately for women who have a hard time with other women, criticizing and finding fault with other women doesn’t improve their situation and usually makes it worse. If you’re one of those women you could benefit from thinking of possible reasons why you have no female friends that has less to do with other women and more to do with yourself:

1. You’re Competitive

If you believe and behave as if women are your competition for men, attention, and resources, you’re probably putting off other women. If you make a habit of coming on to taken men or fighting for the spotlight at work or in social situations, don’t be surprised to you find yourself with few women as friends.

2. You’re Defensive

When you meet a new woman, do you assume the worst? Do you take any commentary directed to you by other women as a personal attack and think they dislike you? If so, you might be being too defensive. And your behavior may become a self-fulfilling prophecy — instead of putting up with your wild assumptions and accusations other women will simply not bother to deal with you.

female-friends-playing3. You’re Self-Righteous

When you assume that others are less morally upright than you are and are otherwise lacking in major aspects, you exude an attitude which serves as a female-repellant. Try to judge the actions of others less and realize there is more than one way to be.

4. You’re Male-Identified

If you support and defend men at the expense of women, you should expect to have few female friends. Other women can sense that you seek the approval of men and view men as the superior gender. No one wants to put up with someone who thinks so little of them.

5. You’re Inconsiderate

To be a friend to anyone, you have to take their feelings and needs into account as well as yours. Friends can help you, but friendship is a two-way street. If you consider your needs above those of others and feel no reluctance about betraying other women, you will find that you’re constantly having trouble with them.

6. You’re Unfriendly

It should go without saying that if you seek friendship you should be receptive to it. If you remain aloof of other people and their advances you send the message that you’re not concerned with having friends. Don’t always wait for women to approach you, but approach them to start a friendship.

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33 thoughts on “Why You Have No Female Friends

  1. When I hear women say this it seem so odd to me. I can’t imagine not having my girls to commune with …

  2. I currently only have one close female friend not for any of the reasons above. I use to have more but grew apart from most of them usually due to them having kids, moving, getting married etc and they didnt put in the effort to keep the friendship going. I miss female companionship so much, I actually put an ad in craigslist for platonic female friends preferably in my same position (single no kids) and got more responses than I thought I would. Already met up with one woman.

    I dont care who you are. Every woman needs another woman to confide in. Talking to a male is nowhere near the same (even a gay man isnt exactly the same)

  3. I believe many of these reasons can be applied to friendship in general. I don’t know. I don’t make friends easily and I know it’s not them, it’s me (no matter how hard I try). However, I make female friends more easily than the male ones.

    I guess I’m not competitive, especially when it comes to men and resources. lol But I am socially awkward and it’s not helpful when you want to make more friends.

  4. I can count the number of female friends I have on one hand and it’s because I differentiate between friends and acquaintances. And I’m with Jessica, I move about all the time so I’ve lost touch b/c of distance, or my friends becoming preoccupied with their husbands and children. But it’s true that we do need female friends to confide and I miss my girls terribly.

  5. @ Jessica, Mira and Udara
    Same here! I can’t imagine not having any female friends. However, I too am socially awkward and it takes me a while to make new friends. I also differentiate between friends and acquaintances. Friends I trust with certain information, acquaintances I do not. So yeah, I can count on one hand the amount of friends that I have, and of that amount, we don’t hang out as much because we’ve moved and such.

  6. Sherry,

    I hear it so often, it’s just not weird at all. In fact, I think it’s considered a “cool” thing to say.


    Jessica,

    “I miss female companionship so much, I actually put an ad in craigslist for platonic female friends preferably in my same position (single no kids) and got more responses than I thought I would. Already met up with one woman.”

    Wow, really? That’s a unique thing to do. I should suggest it to women who say they have no female friends — tell them to put a Craigslist ad for a female friend who meets their standards. :P

    I agree that having male friend(s) is different from having female friend(s).

  7. Mira,

    Yup, most of this can be applied to friendships in general. But there is a certain dynamic between women that makes some of these more of an issue for female-female relations, such as competition and being male-identified.

    Good thing you’re not competitive. Some women are, they really are. I understand why, but it can still be off-putting.

    I can be awkward when I don’t know someone well, but I become comfortable after some time. But there are a bunch of socially awkward women. You can join them in awkward companionship (if you haven’t already). :)

  8. Udara,

    You’re right that friends and acquaintances are two different things. Friends are harder to come by, but everyone should have at least a few even if you’re very introverted and like to spend most of your time alone.


    Robynne,

    You’re socially awkward? I wouldn’t have guessed that…

  9. Socially awkward people can be really endearing. Awkard is the thing to be right now. Just ask Issa Rae. Im awkward too but I play it off well. Honestly those social butterfly people can be super annoying. You know the type, always seem to know EVERYONE and when your with them every 5 min someone is coming up to them saying Hi. People like that always know the exact thing to say, never nervous and super confident in ANY situation or at least act like they are. Never been able to relate to those kinds of people.

  10. I may seem outspoken online, but in real life it takes me a while to warm up to people. I’m a little reticent. But when I get to know you, I’m not so awkward :) .

  11. Lol, Jessica, you just described me! I have very few friends, but I am that person who everyone says hi. I think it’s because I always tend to get really involved in clubs/organizations, and I have a knack for remembering names and personal details, which keeps people coming back for more.:-P

  12. I don’t have any friends PERIOD because of the last reason…worse is that even when I get to know someone I go through periods of being talkative and long periods of being aloof and not really wanting to associate with anyone. Most people can’t handle it….so I’m a loner! and I like it…LOL..

    you should do a post on loners!!!

  13. Jessica,

    I know those types. I feel like I can never really be too close of friends with a social butterfly because they don’t have time! They’re friends with everyone.

    Robynne,

    Oh, I see. It does seem lots of people who appear outgoing online are actually pretty shy in person. I guess the web gives them the medium to express all the things they’ve been holding back. ;)

  14. Jasmin,

    …What, you have a million and one friends! Unless you don’t consider all of the people you know and talk to as friends. Which I guess works with what I was saying above about the social butterflies never really having time to be true friends with anyone.

    rosewater,

    Welcome.

    Lol, I might do a post on loners… I just don’t know what it would contain. Since they’re so lonely and all, there isn’t much to expound upon. :)

  15. I have two close female friends, I’m not big on having a ton of friends minus any intimacy with these friendships. I’d rather have a small group that know me, love me, get me, support and I can do the same than a bunch of empty associations. Although I do have some associates. I’m glad for those two close female friends, one I have been friends with for over 20 years and the other over 10 years. It takes time to be friends with me, I’m suspicious of ppl and takes a lot for me to trust. I’m also I’m a fiercely loyal friend and expect the same and disloyal will get you cut as a friend to me, quickly. Another reason it takes me awhile is b/c I’m a terrible judge of character so I take everyone at face value then usually a couple of months down the road something may come up and I’m like ‘oh I thought you were cool, yea no’. But I don’t ask anything of anyone that I’m not willing to do myself that’s why I have two friends and the friendships have endured this long. I find it strange if a woman can’t maintain at least one close female friendship. Yea you’re right maybe it is them.

  16. Jasmin,

    ‘…there are lots of people who consider me their friend. A good 2/3 of them I consider “nice people I know”.’

    Exactly. :)

    Eugenia,

    “I have two close female friends, I’m not big on having a ton of friends minus any intimacy with these friendships… I’m also I’m a fiercely loyal friend and expect the same and disloyal will get you cut as a friend to me, quickly.”

    Yes… I like closer friendships and relationships and loyalty is everything to me. I don’t mind having associates though. But if you’re disloyal or betray me, the odds of having me as a friend ever again are pretty much none. Even I do become your “friend” again, it would never be the same.

    I consider myself a good judge of character, but you can’t predict things. You can know a person for years and they can still screw you over. Unfortunately, in desperate times, people can forget all about friendship and loyalty.

  17. I have a female relative who has absolutely toxic relationships with women and she fits every single criteria listed on the article, especially the “competing for men and resources” one.

    She can’t keep friendships for more than a year and gets very angry when people she knows, like her extended family, actually develop fondness for her friends. She then starts a smear campaign against the friend and we make bets on how long it will be before that unsuspecting friend is jettisoned. She openly states her preference for the company of men and how she doesn’t like women. She says it like it’s cute. We’ve decided not to warn her against saying ignorant things like this because it serves as a warning to her potential friends and aquaintances.

    She had a hell of a time getting anyone to be a bridesmaid at her weddings and has very drama-filled, soul sucking relationships with every woman in her life, inclduing her sisters, in-laws, step daughters, nieces, etc. My family and I have had to distance ourselves and keep her at arm’s length but can’t avoid all social situations with her in them. The mentality in my culture of family-first prevents the women who are most affected by her from cutting her off completely although a few of her in-laws, step-daughters and nieces have wisened up already.

    Women like this are poison and any woman who states that she doesn’t have female friends is one I run away from..

  18. Welcome Sophia,

    Wow, your relative sounds terrible. She takes the “no female friends” mentality to the maximum. When you can’t even be friends with any of your own family members, you’ve taken it a bit far…

    “Women like this are poison and any woman who states that she doesn’t have female friends is one I run away from..”

    Basically. It’s like a warning sign to me when a woman says this because it tells me she holds some pretty strong biases about women and the way women are supposed to be. Not to mention it says she thinks she is special or different in some way.

  19. I have only male friends, with the exception of my brother’s wife. It’s been that way since my Mom passed away when I was fourteen. Don’t get along AT ALL with my Stepmother. I have every intention of keeping it that way. Never felt the need to live like Charlotte from Sex in the City. Even as a school kid, those who I always felt the MOST comfortable around were my BROTHER’S buddies.
    I’m average looking- thin, petite- although the men I know call me the “earthly” type and say I’m level-headed, non-emotional.
    Men aren’t catty, bytchy, petty, gossipy, or back-stabby – guess that’s why I like my male friends (especially those at my workplace) very much. I’ll keep them ANY day of the century, TYVM.

  20. Carmen,

    “Men aren’t catty, bytchy, petty, gossipy, or back-stabby – guess that’s why I like my male friends (especially those at my workplace) very much. I’ll keep them ANY day of the century, TYVM.”

    Ahem. See numbers 2, 3, especially 4…

    Actually, just see them all.

  21. I don’t have friends, male or female, and I’m perfectly happy without them. I’m a loner but ‘loner’ isn’t the same as ‘lonely’ – you can be the most sociable, friendly person in the world and still be lonely. I enjoy my own company and it’s my own choice to spend much of my time alone. I certainly don’t feel lonely. I’m independent and I hate the maintainence and care that real friendship requires as it makes my feel stifled and unable to be myself. I enjoy having the freedom to pursue my hobbies, studies and just to think for myself. It’s not as if I’m not used to female company as I grew up in a female-dominated household with two sisters. I just prefer my own company or that of my husband. If I need emotional support I turn to my husband or work things out for myself. To be honest, I have never been happier and that’s why I wanted to leave my comments. It is possible for a woman to be perfectly happy without female friends. Not all women are the same. If friendship makes you happy, that’s fine, but please don’t judge those of us who don’t quite fit your idea of what ‘should be’. I consider myself to be a confident, socially adept, ambitious, happy person and I’m living my life in the way that I choose.

  22. Hi Belinda,

    Of course one does not need many female friends (I think a few is good), especially if they’re more introverted and like to keep to themselves. I’m also quite introverted and I completely understand where you’re coming. This article is more directed towards those who would like female friends yet do not have any and/or tend to find themselves at odds with the women they meet.

    “I just prefer my own company or that of my husband. If I need emotional support I turn to my husband or work things out for myself.”

    I’m like this as well, but I worry that it’s putting all your eggs in one basket — if you and your husband are no longer together or you can’t reach him for some reason, who would you turn to?

  23. Hi Alee,
    I would turn to myself, the way I always have in the past in situations where my husband is not available for some reason. He travels frequently and is a very sociable person himself, so sometimes I have to be completely self-reliant. Things haven’t always been easy for me as I have had a lot of health problems and disappointments in life, the same as many of us have, I’m sure. Over the years I have built up an ability to comfort myself and befriend myself in a way that seems natural to me, and it doesn’t seem necessary to turn to another person in these situations.

    I do appreciate what you are trying to say and I’m sure that there are a lot of women who do need friendship and can’t find it for whatever reason. But I wonder also whether there are some that feel that they need lots of friends because that’s what is considered ‘normal’ and that they are abnormal or weird if they are unable to maintain close kinship with another woman. I wonder whether there’s too much stress placed on the importance of needing others and not enough on relying on oneself, especially for women in this culture? Yes, of course, it is good to be able to work together and give each other support, but it’s good also to be able to stand alone when necessary. After all, you can only ever be sure of yourself in this world, and the ability to befriend yourself is priceless. Now that’s what I call not putting all of your eggs in one basket.

  24. Hey Belinda,

    “I wonder also whether there are some that feel that they need lots of friends because that’s what is considered ‘normal’ and that they are abnormal or weird if they are unable to maintain close kinship with another woman.”

    Yes, some might think that. I don’t though; I’m not interested in being “normal”; I doubt I could ever be anyway. :)

    “I wonder whether there’s too much stress placed on the importance of needing others and not enough on relying on oneself, especially for women in this culture?”

    Hmmm, yes and no. I think there is a lot of emphasis on self-reliance in our culture (i.e. American culture). People are not encouraged to need others and are encouraged to stand on their own two feet and make their own way. At the same time, there is a social expectation that people should be willing and able to enjoy and make friends with other people.

    It’s good to be self-sufficient but no (wo)man is an island!

  25. I have no female friends,lonely, 42 years, I try to be friendly but nothing, its been this way for awhile.

  26. “I don’t have friends, male or female, and I’m perfectly happy without them. I’m a loner but ‘loner’ isn’t the same as ‘lonely’ – you can be the most sociable, friendly person in the world and still be lonely. I enjoy my own company and it’s my own choice to spend much of my time alone. I certainly don’t feel lonely. I’m independent and I hate the maintainence and care that real friendship requires as it makes my feel stifled and unable to be myself. I enjoy having the freedom to pursue my hobbies, studies and just to think for myself. It’s not as if I’m not used to female company as I grew up in a female-dominated household with two sisters. I just prefer my own company or that of my husband. If I need emotional support I turn to my husband or work things out for myself. To be honest, I have never been happier and that’s why I wanted to leave my comments. It is possible for a woman to be perfectly happy without female friends. Not all women are the same. If friendship makes you happy, that’s fine, but please don’t judge those of us who don’t quite fit your idea of what ‘should be’. I consider myself to be a confident, socially adept, ambitious, happy person and I’m living my life in the way that I choose.”

    You are so lucky to be this CONTENT with yourself and those around you. I, too, am a content loner as you defined. I have a rich life where I see my long-time girlfriends (only two of them) via vacations where we can bring nothing but enrichment to our lives. Of course, the internet has helped us maintain and enhance those valuable long distance relationships. I think loners unknowingly send out a vibe that intimidates others, which is probably why loners only have a few close friends. I feel fortunate that I was given a strong sense of feeling loved and being known from my parents, maybe my contentment comes from not wanting or needing more, or understanding humans are limited in what they can offer when you need/want so much. Peace my friends of limited acquaintance…lol.

  27. Some women are simply solitary personality types. We don’t have that calming hormone that is supposedly released when we get together to socialize with female friends. Having a ton of female BFFs is exhausting. Despite being basically solitary, I am very happily married. I do have a couple of good female friends whom I’ve been close to for decades, but we do not talk daily or even weekly. I just do not have a real need for female confidants. I am not a phone person and I have no wish to bash men as my relationships with them have primarily been good. I find that no matter how kind and good a person you may be, most women insist on the following: You must share intimate tidbits of your life so that they can figure out where you fit in the food chain/pecking order. Once you are pegged and tentatively befriended, you must consistently confide your faults, flaws and limitations. You must never be happier, more beautiful, richer or better educated. If you are any of these things, you must play it down. I find the whole female bonding thing tiresome. I am friendly, polite, happy to converse and responsive, but I don’t pursue close friendships because I just don’t want or need to. I made the mistake of allowing a relative to talk me into joining two all female social clubs. I absolutely hate it!

  28. I can really relate to Ari’s comments. It’s wonderful to accept ourselves and to be content in our need to be alone. My husband understands my need for solitude and is a great match for my personality type. I find that it is much easier for men to accept than women. Women tend to take it personally. I believe that women tend to copy the behavior of other women in their social group or workplace. They tend to toe the line, while men seem to allow more individualism among their male friends and colleagues.

  29. Most woman also have a strong need for approval and affirmation from other women–no matter how insincere. Hence, all of those “you’re so gorgeous!!!”, “Hot mama!!!!” Facebook comments when their BFF of the week posts her 999th tired selfie.

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