Note: This post is more personal than others
Last night I had a dream that I was in an airport (or bus station, I can’t remember which). I gathered my bags as I prepared to leave, but as I turned to walk out the doors, I saw an ex-boyfriend of mine, with some friends and his brother. He exclaimed as he walked over to kiss me on the cheek. We embraced and began to chat about old times. As we were walking out of the doors together, arm in arm, I woke up from my dream.
This dream isn’t so eventful in and of itself. But I’ve had some form of this same dream, involving the same guy, a few times every year since I cut ties with him several years ago.
Now, I know this sounds bad. Really bad. I have a boyfriend, who I love, and wouldn’t give up for anything (or anyone). I am anxious about pressing “Publish” on this post and having him read this. He deserves someone who is wholly dedicated to him, and I promise that I am. But I just can’t seem to get my subconscious in line with my conscious feelings. You see, the guy in the dream was one of my first true loves. And I don’t know if I can simply erase the past from my mind and forget all the good times we had together.
It was back in my first year of college that I met him. I first ignored him, thinking he was fickle and conceited. But we eventually became best friends and started dating. It seemed we would be together forever, but it didn’t work out that way. He wanted to focus on other things, and I had my own plans. We separated on bad terms and although my thoughts of him have subsided, now and then, I’m reminded of what once was.
Perhaps it isn’t about the love, maybe it’s because, like a guy friend told me, the break-up was unexpected and premature — I’m holding on to what I think the relationship could have been. Perhaps these kinds of thoughts only plague romantics and idealists like me. Either way, I try not to hold it against myself. But it’s been years since the break-up and these subliminal thoughts of him have yet to go away. Sometimes I do wonder, am I the only one who can’t get over my past love?