Pros and Cons of Approaching Men

woman-laughing-with-manMany women live by the dating rule: always allow a man to approach you first. Some follow this rule due to tradition and culture, others because of past experience, and still others due to hearing it was a cardinal rule of dating.

I don’t follow this rule.

If I’m seriously interested in a guy, I will initiate contact with him. Sometimes a man will approach me first, but it’s seems sensible to go after what you want and take initiative. So far, for the most part, I’ve been successful with this method. However, I know there are downsides to my strategy in addition to its benefits. A short list of the pros and cons of approaching men:

Pros:

1. Getting the guy

Sometimes the man you approach doesn’t reciprocate your interest. But many times you end up getting exactly what you want — the guy, and before anyone else does. Approaching a man significantly increases the likelihood that he will notice you.

2. No waiting time or missed opportunities

Women who wait for a man to initiate romantic contact can find themselves waiting for weeks, months, or even years. Sometimes they don’t get the chance to wait that long because the man leaves or becomes involved with someone else. The best way to make sure you aren’t sitting waiting for an unknown amount of time is to take action.

3. Less pressure (on the man)

While not directly beneficial to you as the woman, approaching a man eliminates any pressure he may be feeling to be the first one to initiate contact. And it indirectly benefits you; he’ll be grateful for you approaching and you’re off to a great start.

Cons:

1. Rejection

Sometimes it happens. It’s not as bad as it’s made out to be, but it still hurts and may cause you to second-guess yourself. It’s particularly bad if the rejection is in public or done unkindly.

2. The man becomes indifferent or arrogant

In the event that approaching results in a date, some men become lazy about keeping in contact and showing interest. They think that since you approached them, it is up to you to keep up communication and interest. If this happens the result is usually bad — no relationship ever occurs or the relationship ends quickly.

3. Nothing (romantic) happens

Sometimes you approach a guy and end up with nothing to show for it. You may end up becoming friends, which isn’t terrible, but probably not what you were looking for. Other times there are no tangible results; you part ways and contact dwindles or simply put, nothing happens.

What is your take on approaching men — do the pros outweigh the cons? Do you ever make the first move with men or do you always allow them to first? If you’re a guy, what do you think of being approached?

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39 thoughts on “Pros and Cons of Approaching Men

  1. We had this discussion on the other board. 😉

    I think it all depends on how one defines approach. I have no problem with a woman being the first one to introduce herself or going over to talk to a man at a social gathering. I used to use the approach (ha ha) of trying to get to the same area as the man I was checking out, and then maybe saying something like, “Cool band, eh?” or if we were at the food area, say something about how I really loved grilled eggplant or whatever happened to be on the table at the time.

    That usually got a conversation going.

    I don’t believe in asking men on dates though… maybe the exception might be saying, “Hey, we should get together for coffee/lunch sometime,” and then, if he’s interested, he can use that intro to then set a time and date.

    I used to be the queen of not only approaching, but taking a man’s number and calling him AND asking men out. I NEVER ended up with the result I wanted using these methods. Yes, sometimes I got a date or two out of it, but the men never ended up taking the baton and running with it.

    I concluded that if they had really been interested in me, they would have asked for my number, called me, asked me out and asked me out again. Because I did all the work, they went along with it, but that didn’t indicate that they were interested in me.

    So by about age 30, I stopped asking men out and I highly recommend that women avoid doing this. I think making an introduction or doing an approach to let him know that he could make a move without fear of rejection is fine, but after that, he needs to do some work.

  2. P.S.: After dating a lot during a 10-year period but never ending up in a relationship because I was so eager to approach, ask men out, etc., I ended up with two actual relationships in a 2-year period once I sat back and started letting the man do ALL the work. For a while, I even stopped approaching because I was tired of that action bearing no fruit.

  3. Hi Bunnnnyyyy. 🙂

    “We had this discussion on the other board.”

    Really? Ohhh, yes, I remember. But it was a side conversation, and here’s a whole discussion dedicated to the topic.

    “I have no problem with a woman being the first one to introduce herself or going over to talk to a man at a social gathering.”

    Right: that’s generally my method.

    “I used to be the queen of not only approaching, but taking a man’s number and calling him AND asking men out.”

    Oh no. 😉

    I can definitely see that backfiring big time. You should probably leave him something to do.

    “I concluded that if they had really been interested in me, they would have asked for my number, called me, asked me out and asked me out again.”

    Possibly.

    But sometimes the guy is just really shy or you make them nervous. I like shy guys, so I try to help them out if I feel that they are interested but just don’t know how to make the first move.

    “I ended up with two actual relationships in a 2-year period once I sat back and started letting the man do ALL the work.”

    But sitting back is so… boring. 🙂

    Plus, when you let the guy choose you, you’ll end up with guys who like you, but you might not be as interested. When you approach, you get the guy that’s of your choosing.

  4. Bunny,

    You said exactly what I would say, especially this:

    I think it all depends on how one defines approach. I have no problem with a woman being the first one to introduce herself or going over to talk to a man at a social gathering.

    I don’t believe in asking men on dates though… maybe the exception might be saying, “Hey, we should get together for coffee/lunch sometime,” and then, if he’s interested, he can use that intro to then set a time and date.

    My style is to be generally friendly and introduce myself to people, male and female, but since I don’t just do it with the goal of asking them out, it’s fine by me if the interaction isn’t necessarily a flirtatious dance. (Though with guys who are interested in me, it usually is.) I like assertive personalities, especially in men, so I think a man who never makes a move is a turn-off. I feel like some men (and women) hide behind their shyness as an excuse to not get too invested and “play their cards right”, or worse, as a litmus test.

    *I write this with the caveat that I don’t consider myself to have an real dating experience, since I’ve never casually dated in the “real world” (having just graduated and such), and I’m currently in a relationship. So I think I’d be pretty bad at dating if I ever had to try it. 😛

  5. Jasmin,

    “I like assertive personalities, especially in men, so I think a man who never makes a move is a turn-off.”

    See, I’m not especially into really assertive types (neither am I like passive types…). I dated some athletes in school but they were always the sweet, intellectual kinds.

    “I feel like some men (and women) hide behind their shyness as an excuse to not get too invested and “play their cards right”, or worse, as a litmus test.”

    Some definitely do. But I think one can generally sense whether the issue is shyness or disinterest. It’s just that some tend to ignore the warning signs and attribute failure to show obvious interest to shyness.

  6. Alee,

    I dated the captain of the football team in high school, and he ended up being a bit too passive for me. He pursued me aggressively, but besides that he seemed more content with letting stuff happen to him than with making decisions.

  7. But sometimes the guy is just really shy or you make them nervous. I like shy guys, so I try to help them out if I feel that they are interested but just don’t know how to make the first move.

    Eh… I think I agree with Jasmin on this one when she said…

    But I think one can generally sense whether the issue is shyness or disinterest. It’s just that some tend to ignore the warning signs and attribute failure to show obvious interest to shyness.

    And that’s probably because I noticed that even the “shy” guys that I tried to help to make the first move LATER had no problem making the first move with a woman they really liked. Sure, they did it in a geeky, nerdy and shy way (like asking her by AIM chat or whatever), but they did it.

    I can count three situations in which I thought the man was shy and was advised by friends to approach because he was shy… and later found out that the same man had no problem asking other women out or getting into other relationships.

    In the end, he wasn’t into ME. The shyness was the excuse that others gave for why he might not be approaching me.

    That being said, I don’t like aggressive men either. I like an awkward, geeky, nerdy effort… 🙂

    But sitting back is so… boring. 🙂
    Not for me. I love being pursued and letting a man do the work. Sitting back was the most refreshing and empowering feeling. Doing all the approaching and the work made me consistently agitated and frustrated… so if sitting back is boring, then I LOVE being bored! LOL

    Plus, when you let the guy choose you, you’ll end up with guys who like you, but you might not be as interested. When you approach, you get the guy that’s of your choosing.

    See, I consider that the most empowering part. They have to work to gain my interest. With my husband, I honestly was not as interested when I first met him that I was with men that I approached.

    But I got to see how my husband pursued me — he was consistent and steady — and lo and behold, one day I woke up and realized how excited I was that he was coming to see me or that I was really looking forward to his call, and that I really thought he was cute… I LOVED the fact that I got to sit back, evaluate him (and other men at the same time) and then I had the power to choose between men that I already knew wanted me. That was WAY less stressful than hoping that someone that I liked would like me back and that my approach would be well received.

    I figure I do enough already as a woman… let the men be the ones to handle the majority of that pursuit, approach and rejection stuff. 😉

  8. Eh… I think I agree with Jasmin on this one when she said…

    But I think one can generally sense whether the issue is shyness or disinterest. It’s just that some tend to ignore the warning signs and attribute failure to show obvious interest to shyness.

    That was Alee 😛

  9. Ok, let me see. I am not sure if the “women don’t approach” rule exist in my culture these days. Serbian men tend to be either pushy or lazy, so they would either approach anything human with a vagina, or sit, stare and do nothing. In these circumstances, waiting for a guy to approach you is not a good thing.

    That being said, though, a guy who is interested will always approach. But girls approach too. Now, what I mean by “approach” is what Bunny77 described: starting a casual conversation. Girls often do it here, and it works. (Well, not always, but it’s considered a good practice).

    I don’t think I ever approached a guy in a traditional sense, but I don’t even remember I was approached. I can only recall one time, and it was really sweet (but also awkward). I was in a bus, and when I got out, a guy approached me (ok, I know it doesn’t sound good so far, but it was really sweet). He was… Well, he was a kid. I was in my early 20s, and I could tell he was really, really young (16 at most). He also seemed shit scared for doing it. He asked me a casual question (something about a street) and then he introduced himself. He was really polite and all. I also remember he had red hair (which is extremely rare here). It was really, really sweet, but he was just too young (and he thought I was about his age. When he realized I was in university he was really embarrassed). But I still remember it because it was sweet and polite.

    And I did ask a guy out on a date once, only I made it look really casual. I asked him to go with me to a lecture held by my best friend (it was about asteroids and other astronomy stuff) and he said yes. And 2-3 weeks later, we started living together. lol

    Now, there ARE dangers of approaching the guys, namely, that they’d think you’re desperate or that they can do whatever they want because you’re clearly interested. Yes, it’s a serious problem. However, I can safely say the same thing can happen any time, even if he was the one who approached first. Not sure about American men, but guys here like to play it really casual. They will approach, but with “I won’t bother much” attitude. They approach either pushy, or they make it seem like they’re doing it only because they’re bored, not because they’re interested in you.

  10. I think what I’m trying to say about local men, is that they do approach, but they make sure you can’t use it against them. If you reject them, they make it seem they didn’t really want you. If you say yes, they quickly make it seem they didn’t really want you, so if anybody is going to do the chase, you will be the one (and he “wins”).

    So whether a girl approaches or not doesn’t matter: they can make it seem she’s the one who’s chasing them.

  11. (Sorry for spamming)

    Also, another possible cultural difference: a lot of girls here prefer to take a guy’s number, not the other way around. You do it to protect your privacy (so he won’t know your number and can’t bother you), as well as to be able to decide when and if you want to hear from him again. Giving your phone number is sometimes even seen as “cheap” for a girl to do, though I must admit these rules are not as clear these days, with cell phones. (It was a bit trickier when the number you give to the guy is, in fact, you parents’ number – people here live with their parents for a long time, sometimes they start their own family in the same place).

  12. I actually think girls and women approach first in more subtle ways… kinda waving the guy over. At least that’s what I think. Maybe it’s a smile, a quick glance, being really responsive to anything the guy says or does… etc. Then the guy, mistakenly or not in how he reads the signals, sees that as the green light and approaches.

    Also, the main thing with waiting for guys to approach you is…. you better like extroverts. Because they are most likely the ones approaching at any given time. If you’re a woman and you like introverted men, then think more about approaching and initiating at first… introverts won’t often chase, but when they feel confident someone likes them, and they return the interest, they are often eager to start something up romantically and return that energy.

  13. If you’re a woman and you like introverted men, then think more about approaching and initiating at first…

    I agree. I strongly prefer introverts, so I know it’s sometimes difficult for them to approach. (But being an introvert myself, it was never easy for me to approach either).

    However, even an introverted guy would show his interest if he’s really interested. But he’ll do that in a way it’s not always clear. But he will try to make his interest known. I think it’s safe to say that a guy who is interested will try to show it. There’s no use of encouraging or approaching the guy who is clearly not interested.

    Since many women do prefer introverted men, it’s important to learn how to tell them apart from guys who are simply not interested. But it’s not as tricky as it sounds. An introverted guy would still appreciate the contact with you (the one you subtly initiated). A guy who is not interested will treat it differently. I am not sure how to explain it, but it’s usually possible to feel the difference.

  14. Jasmin,

    “I dated the captain of the football team in high school, and he ended up being a bit too passive for me.”

    I’ve noticed many athletes were much more passive than you would have thought given the aggressiveness they show on the field.


    Bunny,

    “I noticed that even the “shy” guys that I tried to help to make the first move LATER had no problem making the first move with a woman they really liked.”

    Ouch. 😦

    “That being said, I don’t like aggressive men either. I like an awkward, geeky, nerdy effort… “

    Me too. Geeks FTW. 🙂

    “Doing all the approaching and the work made me consistently agitated and frustrated… so if sitting back is boring, then I LOVE being bored! LOL”

    Ha. See, I’m never really frustrated approaching men; I think it’s fun.

    Your story about your husband gives me something to think about. That might be a pro of allowing a guy to approach you; you get more time to evaluate. Although I’d advise letting the guy pursue even if you’re the one who initiated.

  15. Mira,

    It’s so cute when younger guys approach, especially when they are nervous about it. It’s hard to say no.

    “And I did ask a guy out on a date once, only I made it look really casual. I asked him to go with me to a lecture held by my best friend (it was about asteroids and other astronomy stuff) and he said yes. And 2-3 weeks later, we started living together. lol”

    Now that’s what I call a win! 🙂

    “Now, there ARE dangers of approaching the guys, namely, that they’d think you’re desperate or that they can do whatever they want because you’re clearly interested. Yes, it’s a serious problem. However, I can safely say the same thing can happen any time, even if he was the one who approached first.”

    It definitely can happen. But it’s probably more likely to happen in the situation where a woman approaches a man because there is no guarantee he is interested. Some guys will just go along with the woman because they are flattered to be approached. If he approaches, you know for sure he was interested enough at one point.

    […]So whether a girl approaches or not doesn’t matter: they can make it seem she’s the one who’s chasing them.”

    Serbian men seem tricky. But that’s smart of them.

    “(Sorry for spamming)”

    Legitimate comments are never spam. More/longer comments only add to the conversation.

  16. AJ,

    “I actually think girls and women approach first in more subtle ways… kinda waving the guy over… Then the guy, mistakenly or not in how he reads the signals, sees that as the green light and approaches.”

    Is that how all your relationships begin? 😉

    I agree but I never considered passive actions like smiling to be approaching.

    “If you’re a woman and you like introverted men, then think more about approaching and initiating at first… introverts won’t often chase, but when they feel confident someone likes them, and they return the interest, they are often eager to start something up romantically and return that energy.”

    Indeed. I know all about that. 🙂

    Mira,

    “An introverted guy would still appreciate the contact with you (the one you subtly initiated). A guy who is not interested will treat it differently. I am not sure how to explain it, but it’s usually possible to feel the difference.”

    I know exactly what you’re talking about.

    When a woman approaches an introverted guy who is interested in them, they (the introvert) are visibly happy and appear to be thoroughly enjoying your company. Not so with guys who aren’t interested.

  17. It’s so cute when younger guys approach, especially when they are nervous about it. It’s hard to say no.

    It’s definitely hard to say no, but this guy was really young (around 15, 16?) I’m all for dating younger men, but I it was a really big age difference when you’re in your early 20s and he’s in high school (I don’t even think it’s legal in America).

    Now that’s what I call a win! 🙂

    And I married him, too. 😀

    The weirdest thing of all: my mother was the one who introduced us. He was a volunteer at the library where she worked and she invited me to come one day for a renaissance music concert that was held in there. She said there was a volunteer guy who- I quote- “looks like Johnny Depp”. I almost refused to go, but I’m glad I’ve changed my mind!

    But it’s probably more likely to happen in the situation where a woman approaches a man because there is no guarantee he is interested.

    Yes, but in my experience- or at least with the guys here- it can happen in any case.

    Serbian men seem tricky. But that’s smart of them.

    Well, in all honesty, girls are the same. There seem to be a “dating rule” that many (most?) people follow, and that is that you should be the one who cares less; that your pride is the most important thing that should be preserved at all costs. In order to do this, you should not show how much you care about the other person: he or she must be the one who chases you and shows feelings openly, but you must control yourself, “just in case”. To be blatantly open about how you feel is considered bad, because the other person can take advantage of you.

    Not all people are like this, of course, but many are. I am not one of those people and I never knew how to play that game. Needles to say, it caused me a great pain and many disappointments. But I’ve decided early on that the game is not for me and that I didn’t want to be with someone who wouldn’t appreciate feelings I have for him or who would (like most of Serbian men) think less of me if I don’t play hard to get.

    I have no idea if this is just in my culture (or neighborhood cultures), but that’s how it is here. That’s why I find it not just laughable, but absurd, to hear about “submissive Eastern European women”. I mean… Guys who think that are in for a not so pleasant surprise.

    Now, of course there are plenty of people who are not interested in the game, but they are usually not easy to be found.

  18. But this thing with “getting away with approaching” ( = approach, but quickly make it look like the other person is chasing) can definitely work better for men than for women. A man can say that he approached because he was interested in sex only and that he doesn’t really care about you. A woman can’t say that, or she’ll be labeled a slut. (Which is one of the worst insults a woman can have in my culture… Maybe THE worst. It can virtually ruin your social, and sometimes professional and family life).

  19. Mira,

    “this guy was really young (around 15, 16?)…it was a really big age difference when you’re in your early 20s and he’s in high school (I don’t even think it’s legal in America).”

    It’s not. 😉

    “And I married him, too.”

    Oh, you were talking about your husband? Definitely a win. 🙂

    “The weirdest thing of all: my mother was the one who introduced us…She said there was a volunteer guy who- I quote- “looks like Johnny Depp”. I almost refused to go, but I’m glad I’ve changed my mind! “

    I couldn’t see you refusing after she said that! 😛

    ” There seem to be a “dating rule” that many (most?) people follow, and that is that you should be the one who cares less; that your pride is the most important thing that should be preserved at all costs.”

    Huh, interesting. That relates somewhat to an upcoming post.

    “That’s why I find it not just laughable, but absurd, to hear about “submissive Eastern European women”. I mean… Guys who think that are in for a not so pleasant surprise.”

    Lol. Some American men think that most women from so-called third world countries are submissive and traditional. But even if they find out that the women aren’t as docile as they first thought, they still think “Well, they’re still better than American women!”

  20. Ha. See, I’m never really frustrated approaching men; I think it’s fun.

    I think for me, the frustration set in after about a decade of approaching men. I probably felt more enjoyment from it in my 20s, but by age 30, I was like, enough of this already! Men need to start “sacking up!” 😉

    Gawd, I’m talking like I’m so old… I just turned 33! Seriously though, in my 20s, I had a fun time dating and trying dating methods that were new and unusual at the time — things like online dating and speed dating — or joining groups that were like MeetUps and all of that. That’s why I laugh when I hear how people are so scared to try dating online because I was doing it for about 10 years — when it was REALLY new.

    But yeah, all that being said, when I hit 30 and started doing some evaluation of my dating and relationship life and knew that I wanted something more serious than what I’d been getting, I realized that I wasn’t really enjoying the “approach men” thing at all. I was doing it because everyone was saying that it was empowering and that I should help shy men along, etc… but the majority of the time, doing more than just saying “hello” and starting up a casual conversation was really not all that fun for me.

    It was very refreshing in my early 30s to see it all happen the other way around, and surprisingly, a lot more fun! I felt like one of those women you see in fantasy TV and movie sequences with hot shirtless men feeding her grapes and stuff like that! Tee hee.

  21. Bunny,

    “I think for me, the frustration set in after about a decade of approaching men.”

    I guess I have been approaching men for a decade or more. But I don’t always approach guys; many times guys approach me first (Especially if the guy is black…). So that’s probably another reason why I don’t mind it.

    “…in my 20s, I had a fun time dating and trying dating methods that were new and unusual at the time — things like online dating and speed dating”

    That brings up another thing: Online dating makes approaching much easier. I’m not even sure it could be considered approaching if you just send a message to a guy — “Hi, how r u?” 😛

    “I felt like one of those women you see in fantasy TV and movie sequences with hot shirtless men feeding her grapes and stuff like that! Tee hee.”

    Lol. I see you like to be catered to. 😉

  22. I couldn’t see you refusing after she said that! 😛

    I was intrigued, yes, but it was so embarrassing and humiliating (as if I’m not able to find a date myself and need my mother’s help). But I’m glad I did go to the concert after all.

    Lol. Some American men think that most women from so-called third world countries are submissive and traditional.

    Eastern European women tend to be traditional, but it doesn’t mean the same thing as these men think. First of all, globalization has hit hard, so whatever culture you may find, it’s an amalgam of US culture and a local one (I’m not kidding). Second of all, “being traditional” for Eastern Europeans means respecting ones history and culture (something that many EE believe Americans don’t have), NOT being submissive to your husband. And third, and probably most important of all, Eastern Europe might still be patriarchal, but the man that has the most power and influence on a woman is her FATHER, not husband (this might not be true in previous centuries, but it is sure true for today’s girls). Your father is the principal male in your life: the one you listen, but also the one who protects you and cares about you at all costs. You are his little girl forever, and he’s the only man you’ll listen- not your husband. The moment he (husband) starts treating you badly, you go back to your family (and your father might even consider taking extreme measures against the guy).

    Ok, it’s not always like this. There are submissive women here, but they can be found anywhere. All I’m saying is, “traditional” has a different meaning than Westerners seem to think.

    PS-And I had no idea Eastern Europe is considered a third world these days…

  23. Mira,

    “I was intrigued, yes, but it was so embarrassing and humiliating (as if I’m not able to find a date myself and need my mother’s help).”

    In a way, it might have helped to approach him. Since your mother already knew him, there is less of a “who are you and why are you bothering me?” element.

    …“being traditional” for Eastern Europeans means respecting ones history and culture (something that many EE believe Americans don’t have), NOT being submissive to your husband.”

    I think many interpret “traditional woman” to mean “submissive” because the vast majority of cultures were traditionally very patriarchal and placed an emphasis on women being submissive to all men, including their husbands.

    “PS-And I had no idea Eastern Europe is considered a third world these days…”

    Didn’t you know? Any country outside of Western Europe is the third world. Yup… I’ve heard pretty much all countries referred to as third world or “slum”, including Eastern European countries.

  24. because the vast majority of cultures were traditionally very patriarchal and placed an emphasis on women being submissive to all men, including their husbands.

    All I can say there was always a female agency in Eastern Europe- less (much less) than optimal, but more than what people think. And it’s sure true for post-WW II. Women worked as much as men (socialism values both male and female work force), and today, if you’re submissive to anybody, it’s your father, not your husband, brother, and certainly not random men around you. Tradition here relates more to history and culture, not being submissive to men. In fact, most of the young women are quite the opposite of that. Add the recent, enormous popularity of “Sex and the City” in my region, and you get a mess.

    I know Eastern Europe is considered a slum, lol. I just had no idea it’s not considered “second world” anymore (second world were communist countries, as far as I know, so I guess I assumed what has left of communist countries was also considered second world). So, what, there’s no second world anymore?

  25. Dear Miss Alee,

    Can you bottle your cool, elegant confidence and sell it to me? This topic just makes me cry because I am so hopelessly inept.

  26. Mira,

    …Add the recent, enormous popularity of “Sex and the City” in my region, and you get a mess.”

    Lol, Sex and the City. Well, at least the women on the show approached men.

    “So, what, there’s no second world anymore?”

    Pretty much. 1st world = developed, rich countries; 3rd world = everybody else. Get with it or get lost. 😛

    Sherry,

    Why yes actually, I have been planning to create my own perfume labeled simply, Alee. I’ll be sure to give you a heads up as soon as it’s out. 🙂

    On a serious note, it’s not at all hard. Once you get used to casually beginning conversation and flirting, it comes like second nature. And rejection is not as bad as it seems, particularly if you keep things light-hearted in the beginning when you are testing the waters.

  27. Talking to folks first is not the problem for me as I am outgoing with a capital O. I think the problem is I don’t know how to flirt. Also, I have that warm, big sister vibe which is appealing, but not sexy. I suspect you’ve got it goin’ on, and so when you start conversations with men, they are T-H-R-I-L-L-E-D because they already were feeling you.

  28. Sherry,

    Funny, I wouldn’t have thought you were outgoing.

    I am so not outgoing, but I think I know how to flirt in my own quiet, introverted way. I’m very sincere and open about my (positive) feelings about other people so I compliment, laugh, etc.

    “I suspect you’ve got it goin’ on, and so when you start conversations with men, they are T-H-R-I-L-L-E-D because they already were feeling you.”

    Lol.

    It’s true that the guys were probably already interested before I approached them. But that’s because I mainly approach guys that appear to be my type and seem like they would be interested in someone like me. For example, I probably wouldn’t approach someone who seems to like sporty or tomboy-ish girls because I’m not like that. I always watch my prey before pouncing. “Boy, I’ve been watching you. Like a hawk in the sky…” 🙂

    P.S. I have no idea why your comment got caught in my spam filter.

  29. Hey Miss Alee,
    I think you got that impression I was not outgoing when I said this topic makes me cry. I am one of the friendliest colored girls you know, but that skill with general socializing does NOT translate to dating. Dating has always been sort of dizzying and depressing for me, and now the topic is downright painful.

  30. Sherry,

    You just don’t give off an “outgoing” vibe. But this is the internet, so things can be easily confused.

    “Dating has always been sort of dizzying and depressing for me, and now the topic is downright painful.”

    Dating should never be painful. 😦

    Perhaps you might be able to learn some ways to make it more fun and easier if you stick around? I hope so!

  31. In my experience I’ve found those surveys done on men liking women to approach them were all hog-wash!. Nope, don’t believe it ladies(gents?). You’re immediately placed in a category(easy/uninteresting) so you better be able to knock that guy off his feet, meaning to engage his interest so as to deflect from the fact he’s the hunted. It kills me to do it, but I refuse to approach guys now, and believe me, Swiss men take ages (you’d be retired in Florida) before they even give you an inkling that they’re interested and they never approach you directly unless they’re inebriated!!. Darn blasted cowards. I just found out (after 11yrs!!!!!) that some guy I worked on the same floor with wanted to get to know me (he finally started a convo with me which led to him admitting this). Unfortunately he didn’t age well and to be frank, I refuse to settle. Been out to lunch with him and it was MEH, so I didn’t respond to his latest email asking to meet for drinks…

    Simply put, there are always exceptions to the males who do appreciate a women approaching them and in my experience they’re either rather young (20-25yrs) or older (40+). I prefer the eye contact, slight smile and have him do the rest that way I know for sure he wants me too!. Many men are able and capable and willing to take what we women offer them, even if it’s sloppy seconds, thirds or fourths, meaning, if you approach them, they more than likely won’t reject you. So I say, they’re born the hunters, I’m the prize, let the games begin…….

    PS: Sorry Alee, I’m always missing your interesting blogs!

  32. foosrock,

    I think there are definitely some guys that don’t like to be approached and/or will think lesser of you for approaching. But that’s why I advocate a subtle approach. With my method, sometimes they won’t even realize they’ve just been approached.

    “I just found out (after 11yrs!!!!!) that some guy I worked on the same floor with wanted to get to know me”

    Thanks for providing an example of Pro #2 of Approaching Men — No Waiting Time. 🙂

    “Many men are able and capable and willing to take what we women offer them”

    Very true. That’s when you get #2 of the Cons.

    “they’re born the hunters, I’m the prize, let the games begin.”

    Lol. Indeed!

  33. I generally agree, but not with the hunter/prize part. I certainly don’t want to see myself as some sort of a prize. It seems so… Passive. Or maybe I’m so bad at the whole “game” that I don’t even understand the rules.

  34. What I meant by “I don’t know how much I’ll learn” is that I feel like a lost cause on this topic.

  35. Mira,

    I am a prize, but not a passive one. 🙂

    Sherry,

    Don’t worry: I fixed your comments.

    Also, you’re not lost! You’ve given me some good advice in the dating/love arena. But we’ll have some fun learning here, so just sit back and relax. 😉

  36. The women seem to agree… men are NOT the prize, and as such, are on the bottom of the coin and have to approach. Gee, that sounds so wonderful!

  37. That means men are not objects and they hate being objectified by women. It makes them feel less manly and therefore they act like bitches and become violent when women approach them and pursue them. Men always want to be in control of everything and therefore, they hate being taken advantage of by women. In other words, women have to be less assertive and confident than men. And if women are to sexually harass men or try to rape them, men will fight back real easily.

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