Open Question – Is It Okay to Spy on Your Partner?

Surveys indicate that in almost half of all marriages, one partner secretly checks on their partner’s phone calls, emails, or text messages. Nearly 3 out of every 4 say they would spy on their partner if they had reason to. Women are slightly more likely to snoop on their partners than men.

Clearly many people don’t think it’s crossing the line to secretly check up on their partner. I’m not so sure that I would snoop into my partner’s personal life, but I might, depending on the circumstances. For example, if I strongly suspect a partner is cheating or that they are withholding important information. But in general I respect my partner’s privacy and think snooping should be a last measure.

How about you? Do you think it’s okay to spy on your partner? Select one response in the poll above and if you would like to, answer the following questions in the comment section:

1.Which response did you choose in the poll and why?

2. Have you ever been spied on by a partner?

3. If you have, what did you think about it? If you have not been spied on, what do you think your reaction would be to it?

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27 thoughts on “Open Question – Is It Okay to Spy on Your Partner?

  1. I would NEVER do this. Perhaps because I firmly believe in: “what’s good for the geese is good for the gander”. BUT, are we talking James Bond(ey) type of spy shite?.

  2. foosrock,

    “…are we talking James Bond(ey) type of spy shite?”

    Lol, no, not necessarily. It can just be checking on their latest cell phone calls when they’re not in the room, looking at their email when you find it left open… things like that.

  3. I use Hubby’s phone all the time and he uses mine. We just grab what’s closest (when we’re home). Heck I could log into his mail account and work mail if I wanted right now because he uses this computer as well sometimes and his details are saved.

    Not so much spying as just having things open.

    Want to keep your man from cheating?
    My tip, Keep his balls empty. It’s fun for you as well lol.

  4. Nkosazana,

    So I guess that’s a “Yes”? πŸ™‚

    “Want to keep your man from cheating?
    My tip, Keep his balls empty.”

    Ha, you would say that. πŸ˜‰

    But some men/people are going to cheat regardless. And [lack of] sex isn’t always the reason for a person cheating; sometimes it’s for emotional fulfillment, companionship, or even a change of pace.

  5. I want privacy so I have to give it. Simple as that. Also, if I really feel like I need to spy on you, you are a liability and I just need to boot you and get it over.

    On a side note, I admire Ms. N. She is so confident in matters sexual.

  6. Hi Sherry,

    “I want privacy so I have to give it. Simple as that.”

    That’s a good principle. I’m pretty big about privacy as well… almost as big as I am about loyalty. πŸ˜‰

    “On a side note, I admire Ms. N. She is so confident in matters sexual.”

    Is it confidence or obliviousness? Those two can seem similar on the surface.

    πŸ˜€

  7. Okaaaaaaaaaay, Alee!.
    My take: Women who do this spy thingie ARE INSECURE AS HELLLLLLLLLLLLL!. like, gain some bloody confidence, for goodness sakes. I do know of at least 2 female colleagues who do this. Guess what?. They’re paranoid and extremely jealous of their partners. So much so, I HARDLY get to see them because of this aspect (exposing their partners to genuinely confident women). By the way, one of these female colleagues(Asian) found out her boyfriend was engaged to a (black) woman from Canada by spying on him through his cellophone………

    Still won’t/can’t advocate spying. Rather, naturally built self confidence.

  8. foosrock,

    “My take: Women who do this spy thingie ARE INSECURE AS HELLLLLLLLLLLLL!. like, gain some bloody confidence, for goodness sakes.”

    What if it’s just a one time thing and not a pattern behavior?

    No one is secure 100 percent of the time, and if your partner gives you something to be insecure about, well, there you go.

    “By the way, one of these female colleagues(Asian) found out her boyfriend was engaged to a (black) woman from Canada by spying on him through his cellophone…”

    Ouch… That’s the thing with spying — you may find out something that is not to your liking.

  9. I use my husband’s phone and he uses mine. When any of us gets a new text message, whoever is nearer takes a look at it.

    Also, my husband is not really Internet savvy (well, not as much as I am, anyway), so I’m the one creating new email and other accounts for him online, setting his passwords, etc. He often asks me to check his email for him. But I don’t read anything that he doesn’t tell me to. He doesn’t have access to my email accounts, btw, so you could say he’s not spying on me πŸ˜›

    So I guess I am “spying” on him, but with his approval. I never go through his personal stuff, though.

    I think spying (without your person knowing about it) is bad, but people do it anyway. I’d love to say I’d never never never do that, but the truth is, I’ve done it with my ex (when I suspected he might be cheating on me), and I didn’t like what I found out, so… I guess people should go with their instincts rather than resorting to spying. 9 times out of 10, you don’t like it, and it is a violation of privacy. Still, people do it fairly often.

  10. Hi Mira,

    It’s not spying if your husband asks you to do it. Then it’s more like… sharing. πŸ™‚

    So, what do you vote?

  11. I voted for the “unsure”. Unsure, because I know people do it, but I am not sure if it’s ok. I mean, people do a lot of things, and it doesn’t make them ok. And as much as I HATE spying and stalking, I must be honest with myself here and admit I’ve done it. I’m not proud of it, though.

  12. Is it confidence or obliviousness? Those two can seem similar on the surface.

    OK everyone who have been married (almost) five years raise your hand! (And is still married)

    Ha! did not think so!

    I must be doing something right to keep him interested. I do know how to please ONE man and that’s all that I need.

  13. LOL, Nkosazana, I was just joking. And I wasn’t even joking about your advice (I liked that one ;)).

    In any case, I don’t think you aren’t the only reader who has been married for five or more years!

  14. *raises hand*

    It’s more than five years, though.

    And while I do think sex is important in a relationship (and marriage), I wouldn’t like to think it’s what keeps him interested.

  15. I’m joking as well. Should have included a smiley or wink lol.

    Yes well talking regular commenters! But I don’t know how long mira have been married.

  16. Nkosazana, oh, I thought you were serious.

    Well, Mira is right above you, so now you know it’s more than five years. πŸ˜›

  17. I married in september 2005. But we usually celebrate more the day we started dating, which was in 2004.

  18. I voted No, and I have. It was one time and it didn’t feel right. I checked a text on my bf’s phone. There was a girl he hung out with before we dated and he said they were just friends and never dated. When he received the text from her I could tell it wasn’t someone who usually texts him by the way he acted. So I checked it when he was in the shower. It was innocent but it felt wrong like I said. I’ve never done it before and would never do it again, it’s just not me. I wasn’t insecure as helllllllllll like foosrock so eloquently put it ( πŸ™‚ ) but I felt as though his reaction was odd so I had to know.

    Anyways, like Sherry said I like my privacy so I give it. Which is probably why it felt so wrong looking at the text but I had a compelling reason (in my head) to do so. Had it been something different maybe I would have felt differently about it? This was about 2 months into the relationship.

    I think if you are constantly doing this why are you in a relationship with someone you can’t trust etc etc, leave etc etc but it’s never so cut and dry is it.

  19. I answered “No, and I haven’t”. I’m not at all religious, but I feel that “do unto other as you would have them so unto you” definitely applies here.

    To my knowledge, no I have not been spied on and I’d likely be a bit hurt if my partner felt he had to spy on me. If he asked me flat out, I would be completely honest.

  20. wanderlust,

    Interesting, so did you find out anything from the text? πŸ™‚

    It’s noteworthy how some of you all feel so bad/wrong about even the idea of spying on your partner.

    schnecke,

    Yes, it does apply. I don’t know how I would feel if my partner was snooping around in my business, though. Probably some weird combination of feeling invaded (“Ugh, mind your business!”) at the same time feeling loved (“Awww, you care so much.”) πŸ˜€

  21. Was married for 16yrs and was in a relationship with my ex for 21yrs, Nkosazana. So raising hand HIGH!.
    I also can’t condone the one time spying either, Alee. Have voted NO and never have and never will!

  22. I am guilty of spying in my past relationships and thats because my gut was telling me not to trust them and I always ended up finding something. And instead of leaving them I would beat them up and destroy some of their belongings…smh… that was the old me, don’t judge me ;). I finally realized where I was going wrong and left those cheating men alone. But I don’t spy with my current Beau because I trust him and he never gave me a reason to suspect fowl play…lol. Its a much better life to live when your not insecure and worried that the person is gonna betray you. If I have to snoop through your stuff and spy then I don’t want to be with you. I need that trust. πŸ™‚

  23. Ladies, I say, if you have to spy on your partner, then get out of the relationship. It’s like cheating once. You’ve done it before, you will do it again. Something isn’t right if you must spy. Leave and find someone who gives you that security enough that you don’t have to get all 007 on him.

    Nikisha, so proud you evolved and learned from your past insecurities and mistakes. Such relationships actually destroy one’s self confidence.

  24. Alee – the text said something along the lines of her asking him how he was doing as it had been a while since they last caught up. He claimed that he hadn’t spoken to her in a while so that was good enough for me.

  25. Nikisha,

    “I am guilty of spying in my past relationships and thats because my gut was telling me not to trust them… instead of leaving them I would beat them up and destroy some of their belongings… that was the old me, don’t judge me.”

    LOL.

    I don’t judge you, Nikisha, not at all. Your reaction was completely normal. πŸ˜‰

    “Its a much better life to live when your not insecure and worried that the person is gonna betray you.”

    That is quite true.

    “I was so dysfunctional back in the day…geezzzzee!”

    No, let me repeat: your reaction was completely normal. πŸ˜€

    wanderlust,

    Okay, that sounds innocent enough. I guess we can let that one slide. πŸ˜‰

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