Open Question: Is Cheating Inevitable?

flirting-cheatingAre all relationships destined to eventually involve infidelity? Some say yes.

While most people dislike being cheated on, some say everyone will eventually be cheated on or cheat if they are in a relationship. According to a popular evolutionary theory humans are not meant to be monogamous — for most of our existence humans haven’t been sexually exclusive. Long-term coupling is a social phenomena, not a natural one, and puts a strain on human beings’ true natures. A strain which they ultimately find too much to bear.

In contrast to this view, there are people who form exclusive bonds, even many who will remain unpartnered even in the case of the death of their partner. If humans are not naturally monogamous, could these people be the odd ones out — the rare beings who are inclined to monogamy? Or are they simply following the order which has been placed on humans, that which says that monogamy is the only socially acceptable way of mating?

What is your opinion? Is cheating inevitable and have you ever cheated or been cheated on?

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49 thoughts on “Open Question: Is Cheating Inevitable?

  1. I have never been in a relationship long enough to face this, but I imagine that you have to figure out ways to refresh your intimacy. On an emotional level, I am the type of person that really enjoys the longevity in any relationship.

  2. Sherry,

    “I have never been in a relationship long enough to face this”

    Really? Even some months is fairly long.

    “I imagine that you have to figure out ways to refresh your intimacy.”

    I agree with that. Continuity not consistency…

    There was this study done involving students and one of the questions asked was why they though most people cheated. Most said “Boredom”. I think there are several possible reasons, but it does seem people just get bored.

    “On an emotional level, I am the type of person that really enjoys the longevity in any relationship.”

    Same. Some people love the beginning, honeymoon phase. But I actually really enjoy the routine-ish, boring stuff.

  3. Cheaters are on the same level as wife beaters and such. Bring in Muslim laws and start cutting flesh and cane your cheating partner until she/he howls. I’d have no problem with that.

    Are all relationships destined to eventually involve infidelity? Some say yes.

    Some say no. Like me.

    And I don’t accept ‘It just happened’. Nothing annoys me more than people saying that.

    And while we at it. Am I the only one who can speak to my husband? if something bothers me or him? Everyone keeps complaining ‘oh we are having some troubles.. ‘ or ‘He doesn’t understand me’. Have people tried working things out and speaking about the problems with their partners? I don’t think people nowadays do that. They run around the first chance they get to another man/woman and get nasty. Lack of morals and casual sex everywhere you look. People being encouraged to open their legs and spread their seed as far as they want.

    About being bored.. Have YOU tried to spice things up?! it’s not that hard. Heck you don’t even have to take a trip to a sex shop if that’s not your thing. Jesus what kind of sex life do people have…

  4. Nkosazana,

    “Cheaters are on the same level as wife beaters and such. Bring in Muslim laws and start cutting flesh and cane your cheating partner until she/he howls. I’d have no problem with that.”

    Oh, lol.

    “Some say no. Like me.”

    I know. I understand this a hot topic for you. 🙂

    “And I don’t accept ‘It just happened’. Nothing annoys me more than people saying that.”

    That is annoying. But remember one of the lessons I learned this year — most people don’t understand why they do things. It’d be a mistake to assume that they understand how they got to the point of cheating.

    “Am I the only one who can speak to my husband? if something bothers me or him? Everyone keeps complaining ‘oh we are having some troubles.. ‘ or ‘He doesn’t understand me’. Have people tried working things out and speaking about the problems with their partners?”

    No. 🙂

    It’s easier to give up and try with someone else than it is to work things out. Apparently.

    vonnie, you too? *shakes head* 🙂

  5. I don’t believe cheating is inevitable for everyone, although I have been cheated on and have cheated on a boyfriend in the past. I do believe that more people cheat than not. Maybe this is my tainted view from growing up around a bunch of cheaters, especially growing up in New York where there is just a plethora of people. 🙂

  6. I think it takes a level of wisdom, maturity, and emotional intelligence to understand that if you have committed to someone then it means working it out even if it starts to get boring. Like Sherry said, “refresh your intimacy”. A lot of people think that when it gets boring its a sign to jump ship or to cheat. Instead of finding new ways to do things, refresh the relationship and keep it “spicy” if you will. I was younger when I cheated and my immaturity had a lot to do with it, also because he cheated first so I felt a bit entitled. Tit for tat never works though, so happy I grew out of that mentality :).

  7. Nikisha,

    NYC would be the last place I’d go to if I wanted a serious relationship. It seems good for dating but not so good for long-term commitments.

    “I think it takes a level of wisdom, maturity, and emotional intelligence to understand that if you have committed to someone then it means working it out even if it starts to get boring…A lot of people think that when it gets boring its a sign to jump ship or to cheat. “

    Excellent quote.

    I completely agree with that, 100 percent. But I guess because it’s so easy to form relationships, people don’t take them seriously. They don’t see relationships as something they really have to work on and be committed to. Instead of working for the relationship, they think the relationship should work for them.

  8. I dont think most people (men or women) are habitual cheaters but I do think most have done it at some point (if they are sexually active that is). I dont believe the whole “once a cheater always a cheater” though. There are some people that are inclined to habitually cheat but I dont think they represent the majority. I dont know if Ive been cheated on. I assume I probably have by someone and just didnt know about it.

    I have cheated I think but it depends on what you call cheating. I didnt have sex with the guy I cheated on my then boyfriend with but did come kind of close on several occasions (mainly just alot of kissing and fondling). In my defense, I was being neglected by my guy and this other guy wanted to spend all his free time with me. It went on for about 3 months. I never did tell my boyfriend but I felt so bad about it regardless. I dont condone it at all. The guy I was with was a good dude even if he did get neglectful. He did suspect something and flat out asked me one day if I had done anything with anyone else and I got real quiet and then said no I would never do that but I could tell by the look on his face that he was skeptical. We broke up anyway a few months later. Oh well.

  9. Jessica,

    “I have cheated I think but it depends on what you call cheating.”

    Hmmm, I’d say any sort of physical intimacy with someone other than your partner = physical cheating. That includes kissing, fondling, etc. Emotionally intimate relationship with someone other than your partner = emotional cheating.

    “In my defense, I was being neglected by my guy and this other guy wanted to spend all his free time with me.”

    Isn’t that what they all say? 🙂

    Did you at first try talking to your boyfriend about his neglecting you?

  10. Alee, I did talk to him about it before it ever got to that point but it was a unique situation. I dont think he was being neglectful on purpose. He had a son in which he shared joint custody so I couldnt always just see him when I wanted to. I do think he couldve tried harder to schedule time with me but I simply wasnt his first priority which understandably was his son but I wasnt even his 2nd priority (his career was). That was the first and last time I dated a guy with a child but we really liked eachother. It was a relationship I probably shouldve never been in so I do take full responsibility for cheating. It shouldve never gotten to that point of cheating cause I shouldntve made a committment to a dad in the first place. So thats probably one reason for cheating. Some people put themselves in situations with people that they think they are ready for but really arent.

  11. Jessica,

    “It shouldve never gotten to that point of cheating cause I shouldntve made a committment to a dad in the first place.”

    I don’t think there is anything necessarily wrong with that, but I probably would have ended the relationship rather than cheated.

    “Some people put themselves in situations with people that they think they are ready for but really arent.”

    True. It seems like you two were just at different stages in life.

  12. Alee I don’t think there is anything necessarily wrong with that, but I probably would have ended the relationship rather than cheated.

    No its definitely nothing wrong with being in a relationship with someone who has a child but for me even now at 30 I prefer not to go there at all for various reasons but thats another topic.

    Its always better to end the relationship first but thats easier said than done. You care about that person and you dont always want to break up but sometimes you let yourself give into temptation for whatever reason. Plus theres that selfish part of it too because you dont want to break up with your partner before you see for sure you can actually have a relatonship with the person that your tempted to cheat with and most of the time you dont know that til you start something with that other person. In my case, I did not want to be with the other guy though. I just liked feeling like I was number one to somebody.

  13. I don’t know. I’m not a biologist, but I always assumed monogamy depended on the way offspring was raised. With species that require only one parent to take care of the offspring, there’s no monogamy. It’s usually the female (rarely, male) who takes care of the offspring. But with the species that require both partners to be there for the offspring, there is a monogamy, at least while the offspring is young.

    Obviously, humans don’t fit this system because we don’t have instincts. However, we can argue that two parents are desirable for raising the kids and that human monogamy makes sense.

  14. Jessica,

    “Its always better to end the relationship first but thats easier said than done.”

    Cheating is more difficult for me! I realize I might be in the minority in that aspect.

    Mira,

    “I’m not a biologist, but I always assumed monogamy depended on the way offspring was raised…with the species that require both partners to be there for the offspring, there is a monogamy”

    Right. I guess I didn’t make it clear I’m referring to sexual monogamy (or didn’t make it clear that there were *at least* two types of monogamy). A pair could be socially monogamous (raise children together), but not sexually monogamous (be intimate with other people).

    Social monogamy did evolve for the survival of the species via offspring, but what I’m discussing here is sexual monogamy.

  15. Cheating is more difficult for me! I realize I might be in the minority in that aspect.
    You and me Alee.. Wow you did try to stay impartial 😉

    I had a friend of the family try that shit when I were down in SA for the funeral. Like I was missing some black dick in my life. Hell no, I’m a good woman and good woman don’t cheat. That’s how I roll.

    Seriously it’s not that hard is it only me in the whole world who turns into the ice queen when someone tries that? There’s no excuse for cheating. None.

  16. Nkosazana,

    “You and me Alee.. Wow you did try to stay impartial ;)”

    Lol. Yeah, that’s my job…

    But seriously, even though I’m not in favor of cheating, I do realize that people are different (yet the same…) and have different ways of thinking and acting. I’m not going to impose my ways on others; I sure do hate it when people do that to me. As long as your cheating doesn’t involve me, we’re good. 🙂

  17. Nkosazana: There’s no excuse for cheating. None.

    What if a man cheats first though or you find out after hes been habitually cheating for years? Yes I know of course if your smart your gonna get out of the relationship but before you get out,maybe he needs to see how it feels. I know being
    the bigger person is the more mature thing to do but human beings are not perfect. I think most people are capable of ALOT that they dont think they are if put in certain circumstances. Ive never been cheated on that I know of but I can imagine if I was married and took vows before God and found out he cheated how Id react. If the man cant take his vows seriously than how can the woman? Ive had friends who said f*ck it and cheated after they found out they were being cheated on. Didnt blame them at all.

    Hell no, I’m a good woman and good woman don’t cheat. That’s how I roll.

    Yeah because good women NEVER make a mistake, um sure 😉

  18. No jessica, There’s no excuse. If I want to get back i’ll take him for child support and all the money I can get.

    No sorry, good women don’t.

    Fill up your diesel car with gas? Mistake.
    Drop your favorite cup? Mistake.

    You don’t fall on a dick by mistake. Cheaters are very deceitful persons and shows a lack of moral fiber. Reasoning like this is why marriage don’t work in the west. People sympatice with cheaters and make excuses for them.

  19. Jessica,

    “I think most people are capable of ALOT that they dont think they are if put in certain circumstances.”

    Well, I’ll agree with that. About everyone else. 😛

    @Jessica and Nkosazana,

    “I’m a good woman and good woman don’t cheat. That’s how I roll.”

    “Yeah because good women NEVER make a mistake, um sure ;)”

    See, this word “good” (and it’s opposite “bad”) I’m just not terribly fond of. “Good” and “bad” (and “right” and “wrong”) are all way too subjective. Of course we all have our own personal judgments of good and bad, but when people say such and such is a “good” or “bad” person, that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. You can’t judge if a person is good or bad because what may seem bad to you can be so good to the other person, or other people.

    I’m sure I’ve done things which looked bad to other people but to me they were good and justified. A bunch of people at my work were cheering when Muammar Gaddafi was killed. They thought it was a very “good” thing because he was a “bad” evil dictator and caused the deaths of so many. But perhaps Gaddafi felt his actions were good for his people and their future welfare, and one could argue that the people cheering are “bad” for celebrating the murder of another person.

    So yeah, sorry to get off-topic but just had to add that bit.

    “You don’t fall on a dick by mistake.”

    *dead*

    I had to try really hard not to laugh out loud at this so I ended up doing one of those silent up and down shoulder-head laughs.

    You are crazy… I need to make a quote wall for this blog because you’d be all over it.

  20. Maybe a mistake was the wrong word. Lapse in judgment may be more accurate, hell I dont know. All I know is its very self riteous to say if someone does an immoral thing once especially in unhealthy circumstances that it automatically means they are a bad person. Ive learned that people judge based on what bothers them the most but if its something else that they do but others dont agree with, then its all good. I dont take up for cheaters but in some siuations I can understand why it happens and no not everyone that has ever cheated is a bad person. Thats honestly just ridiculous in my opinion.

    Someone like Tiger Woods is one thing but then take a man or a woman who’s been in a marriage for years and their spouse has totally lost interest, wont have sex with them or go to counseling but they have kids and they dont want to go through all the long drawn out drama and misery of a divorce. Plus somewhere inside them they still have hope that one day their spouse will come around to the way they use to be but meanwhile they are utterally miserable. They meet someone who’s attracted to them and makes them feel alive again and they’ve litterally been starved for affection for years so against their better judgment they give in. Is that still wrong? Of course but do I understand? Yeah I do and do not think they are automatically a bad person because of it. Its very hard to keep your vows when your spouse isnt. Even if your spouse hasnt cheated but has totally checked out of the relationship, then they arent keeping their vows either and to me thats just as bad and that person shares equal responsibility for the cheating that will inevitably follow.

  21. Jessica,

    “Ive learned that people judge based on what bothers them the most but if its something else that they do but others dont agree with, then its all good.”

    That’s the truth if I ever heard it. Good Lord, Jessica’s dropping diamonds of wisdom. 🙂

    I really do need to make a quote wall, too many quotes around here that need to be QFP (quoted for posterity).

    Anyway, I could understand the situation you mentioned. But even in that I’d rather explain it my spouse, thoroughly, and if things don’t change, then I’d divorce. Maybe because I know what it’s like on that other side, I just couldn’t do that to someone else and sleep soundly at night.

  22. Sorry no. I guess we grew up with different morals. Not even then it’s understandable to cheat and I don’t care how cold the other person seemed to be they are not as guilty as the person taking dick/pounding pussy. That just seems to be an excuse to run out and get some new dick. Alee said talk to your partner and I would do that. If that did not work I’ll divorce and live happy on my own. As should anyone else do.

    Maybe it’s because you ain’t married you don’t take cheating as a big deal or just ain’t from my culture and see marriage as special as I do.

    And I don’t think I’m wrong in holding people to my moral code. Bad person pile and the good person pile. Simple as that. I don’t care for grey areas in such things.

  23. Good discussion. I think both sides here are making some good points.

    Nkosazana,

    “Maybe it’s because you ain’t married you don’t take cheating as a big deal or just ain’t from my culture and see marriage as special as I do.”

    I’m not married and I’m not from your culture, but I’m pretty firmly on the side of no cheating. I can understand in situations like the one Jessica mentioned, but I still wouldn’t like for cheating to be the case in my relationship, on either side. But I’m serious about relationships all around — commitment, love, and no funny business!

    “And I don’t think I’m wrong in holding people to my moral code. Bad person pile and the good person pile. Simple as that. I don’t care for grey areas in such things.”

    Then you’ll just adore tomorrow’s post. 😀

    (I love when posts happen to relate to a discussion directly before it.)

  24. Nkosazana, Number one the condescending attitude is uncalled for. You sound like your taking it personal and taking little stabs back by saying maybe I didnt grow up with the morals you did. Please!!! I was raised in a strict religious home. Of course I strayed from that some because I have my own mind and disagreed with alot of it and dont regret that at all.

    Theres alot of things I dont like about America but personally I get tired of foreigners that dont live here making inaccurate judgments about it because for whatever reason they have some sort of animosity towards this country. You stating reason like that is why marriage doesnt work in the west. Its a multifaceted issue and it doesnt work for a number of reasons. Regardless, a big part of America is extremely conservative so I have no idea where some of these ideas come from that paint us as all immoral. I think folks are watching too much tv. Secondly why are you putting words in my mouth? Never said cheating wasnt a big deal. OF COURSE its a big deal and said I dont condone it or take up for it. I said its understandable in certain situations how it could come to that. You can understand something without agreeing with it or thinking they are bad people. People are human after all. Personally when someone admits their mistakes and are humble about it, I find that they usually have a better value system than people that are very judgmental over every little thing as if they never do anything wrong. Child molesters, domestic abusers, rapists, murderers and all other sociopaths are the only people I put in the bad pile because when they cross those boundaries I dont see them as being human but your everyday regular people that have no intention of hurting anyone but sometimes dont always get it right, I prefer to be a little bit more understanding. Now THATS an attitude I learned from growing up christian that I will always take with me and imo thats alot more morally correct than acting like you are God and putting everyone in a bad pile that you dont agree with.

    Since you hold others to your own personal moral code, do you pray to yourself? Should the rest of us pray to you? Maybe you should start a religion called the church of Nkosazana.

  25. Uh oh, no fighting. 😦

    We’re all friends here. We might not agree on everything but let’s try to be civil.

  26. I apologize Alee but that little self riteous superior attitude “I guess we grew up with different morals” was condescending, uncalled for, and got under my skin. I dont get taking personal shots like that when this is a topic that doesnt even apply to either of us since im single and I assume she’s in a faithful relationship.

    Talking to your partner before you do anything is a given. Alot of times the person has already done that numerous times. Its not that easy just to divorce when you still love that person and hoping things will change especially after you’ve invested years but its also not easy continuing to go without the love from your partner that they took vows that they will give you til death do us part. Love isnt just a feeling, its an action. You can not blame it ALL on the person that cheats if you arent putting in anything into the relationship that you once were. Sometimes you meet someone else while your going through that emotional and physical starvation and when this new person is trying to give you what you need as a human being when you havent had that in so long or even been recognized or acknowledged by your partner, its hard not to give in. I dont agree with it cause cheating is always wrong but Im just saying I understand it just like I can understand the bitterness that can drive someone to do it after they found out they were cheated on. Were talking about fallible human beings here not some non human robotic stepford wife or husband that is always perfect.

  27. Hi Alee… love your site! I’ve been reading for a while, but I’m a bit internet shy. It must be cheaters day today because I was just reading an article on Jezebel about people who cheat because their spouse is no longer attractive to them… (http://jezebel.com/5855235/is-your-wife-fat-try-adultery) Anywhoo, I guess I have to add to the discussion right.? I honestly think cheating is for cowards! simple as that… Seriously, man?woman up to any issues you may have with your spouse. You may hurt the other party by admitting that you want to break up, but in the long run think about the heartache you may save them… heartache in the form of sexually transmitted diseases… and also risking the fact that someone may hate your guts for life!
    Funny enough I didn’t grow up in the U.S… I grew up around highly moralistic (not sure that is a word but it works right now) folks…and in my experience they were the most shady people!

  28. I don’t think cheating “just happens” out of nowhere, but I do think people often don’t understand why they do what they do.

  29. Jessica,

    I don’t think she meant to be condescending. Anyway, let’s kiss and make up. : * (That’s a kiss, in case it isn’t apparent.)

    “Talking to your partner before you do anything is a given.”

    You would think so! But I’ve had guys not tell me a thing before taking drastic measures. Some people think you’re supposed to just know or decode their cryptic language which suggests they might be gravitating to others/someone else.

    “Alot of times the person has already done that numerous times.”

    …That’s what they claim. But are they really talking about their relationship and how to make it better or are they giving a “you suck” speech? I’ve seen lots of situations where it’s the latter — people just rant and tell their partner all the things they dislike about them and the relationship. And then they’re surprised when their partner doesn’t accommodate them.

    You can not blame it ALL on the person that cheats if you arent putting in anything into the relationship that you once were.”

    Well, I believe everyone is responsible for their own actions. Of course other factors can come into play but it seems people generally want to blame the other person when they do things that aren’t looked upon favorably. The other person carries some fault for the relationship, as a separate unit, dissolving but they are in no way responsible for their partner straying.

    I guess for me it all comes down to understanding you’ve made a commitment and knowing that their are high stakes. When you commit to a person there is the unwritten guideline that you’ll work with them to keep the commitment stable. The other person trusts that you’ll consider their well-being and the well-being of the relationship. When you work on your own terms or work without them, you’re hurting the other person and your relationship.

  30. Hi Penny! Glad you’ve de-lurked. Have a seat, get comfortable. Don’t be shy to comment — it’s a lofty existence in here. 🙂

    Wow at the Jezebel article. They couldn’t be more obvious with that one.

    “Anywhoo, I guess I have to add to the discussion right.?”

    You don’t have to, but it’d be nice to have your input.

    “I honestly think cheating is for cowards! simple as that… Seriously, man?woman up to any issues you may have with your spouse.”

    I do think that passive people (also people with a “one life to live” attitude) may be more prone to cheating but I have no research to back that up. (Or do I…I might, actually! I’ll need to check in the research archives some day and maybe post about it.)

    “Funny enough I didn’t grow up in the U.S… I grew up around highly moralistic (not sure that is a word but it works right now) folks…and in my experience they were the most shady people!”

    Were they church folk? Oh, the stories I could tell…

    Where did you grow up, Penny?

    @Mira, yes and yes.

  31. “Then you’ll just adore tomorrow’s post.”

    Actually, make that Friday’s post. I’m not going to be around all tomorrow so I’ll leave this discussion at the top in case people want to discuss further.

  32. Lol like you, I like to keep my Internet anonymity but I’ll clue you in. I’m from English speaking west Africa! And yes i grew up around highly religious people who only see things in black and white or good and bad, but when they “think”no one is watching, do some unjesuslike stuff! Lol but that’s another topic.
    On the topic at hand, I haven’t cheated before and my one boyfriend who was tempted to actually told me so! We broke up, I cried! Not in front of him of course! But I up until this day, I’m so glad he told me before acting out on his feelings.
    In fact before we started dating we promised to tell each other when we were tempted to stray! Unfortunately and fortunately he followed through on the promise! I know it’s easier said than done. I think a lot of people take the cowardly way out because they can’t deal with the emotional aftermath! Its a very human way of dealing with problems. Instead of facing it head on – hide/cheat and hope the problem goes away.

  33. Pennalita (lol),

    “Lol like you, I like to keep my Internet anonymity but I’ll clue you in.”

    Hah, do you have e-stalkers? Because I do…that’s one reason why I keep my anonymity (more than I normally would). That and because mixing online life with offline life is so not the business.

    But based on my knowledge of W. Africa and the various countries’ numbers in America, I can narrow it down to 2 or maybe 3 countries. Good enough…

    “On the topic at hand, I haven’t cheated before and my one boyfriend who was tempted to actually told me so! We broke up, I cried! Not in front of him of course! But I up until this day, I’m so glad he told me before acting out on his feelings.”

    Hmmm, now that’s interesting. I’m not sure how I’d feel about this. Whether he told me or not, it’d be pretty heartbreaking.

    “Its a very human way of dealing with problems. Instead of facing it head on – hide/cheat and hope the problem goes away.”

    I.e. passivity and passive-aggressiveness. Now you know why I loathe those so much…

    Dealing with issues directly is so much more productive, but I guess it’s scary for some people.

  34. I’ve been sick, but I’ll add my two sense before the conversation gets old.

    Basically, cheating is about having your cake and eating it too. So if you do it, 1) own that shit and 2) accept the consequences. I think many cheaters (especially men) do it because they’ve weighed the risks and know ol’ girl’s not going anywhere, even if they do get caught. If you won’t tolerate it (and you say you won’t), then at least he knows the deal. Most women don’t leave, so it’s in the man’s favor to cheat, 9 times out of 10.

  35. Jasmin,

    “I’ve been sick”

    Feel better!

    Basically, cheating is about having your cake and eating it too.”

    I tend to agree with this.

    I mean, in every case of cheating, the person is trying to avoid losing something (their partner, their family, etc), but they also want something else. So they try to have both.

    “I think many cheaters (especially men) do it because they’ve weighed the risks and know ol’ girl’s not going anywhere, even if they do get caught.”

    Interesting. I definitely think this might be the case for men who cheat. Others just don’t think they’ll get caught at all and in the million and one chance that they do, they think they can cry and say they’re sorry and be forgiven.

  36. You know Alee, I used to believe that men mostly cheats. Most of them does it in my home country. Women usually are to busy working or taking care of their families. But even since I moved here to the west I’ve seen and read about so many sneaky women all around. Seriously they are like a sociopath, women who cheats. Men who cheats are like dumb animals just grunting and pumping without a care in the world, often not doing a good job at hiding it. While women are very deceptive, often having the lovers babies and such. I even read a story about a woman wanting ‘Good genes’ for her kids so two of her kids were not her husbands.

  37. Alee,

    I took off today so I could go to the doctor. My kids will be all right. 🙂

    Nkosazana,

    That’s sick. Though a year ago I did read this really good fiction book about a polygamous Nigerian family where (spoiler alert) none of the kids ended up being the father’s.

  38. Nkosazana,

    Yes, some women do cheat, although I’ve read that it’s usually for quite different reasons, on average.

    What sort of Good Genes did she want? One for intelligence or a lovely smile? 🙂

    Jasmin,

    At first I thought, “Kids??”… then I remembered. 🙂

  39. I’ve been cheated on but never cheated, if I ever thought I needed to be with someone else I’d just rid myself of the person I’m with. Cheating is too much work, I think ppl may think about hooking up others but numbers wise most ppl don’t do it unless it’s something that is acceptable. Cheating still has a social stigma to it, that may be why so many married ppl just get divorced it’s easier than cheating. But like the explanation that yes, you will eventually cheat b/c we’re not biologically prone to monogamous unlike some animals humans have the choice, we can actually critically think and make a choice, we just don’t operate on impulse. But this makes me wonder about the new trend of open relationships and polyamory, which I wouldn’t say was cheating b/c to me cheating requires deception but in those there is none. Hmm, there’s another complexity to relationships. I wonder, if ppl could, if you could cheat and not get caught would you do it? I really think ppl don’t do it b/c they think they wouldn’t get away with it so maybe we can prone to cheat we’re just smart enough to not want to face the consequences b/c we believe we may get caught.

  40. Eugenia,

    “I’ve been cheated on but never cheated, if I ever thought I needed to be with someone else I’d just rid myself of the person I’m with.’

    I guess you’d say something like that. You’re very “cut to the chase.” 🙂

    “But like the explanation that yes, you will eventually cheat b/c we’re not biologically prone to monogamous unlike some animals humans have the choice, we can actually critically think and make a choice, we just don’t operate on impulse.”

    …Yes. In theory. 😉

    Just kidding, but I’d say some people are more impulsive than others. And while everyone has the capacity of critical thinking, not everyone uses it, especially when it won’t work in their favor.

    Open relationships and polyamory seem like more “have your cake and eat it too” scenarios.

    “I wonder, if ppl could, if you could cheat and not get caught would you do it?”

    I wouldn’t. Not for anything.

    Getting caught has nothing to do with it. Hurting and violating the trust of my partner does.

  41. @Alee and Mira, I wouldn’t cheat even if I could get away with it, I’m too guilt ridden. The guilt would kill me. I remember an interview with President Clinton after he was out of the White House, 60 Minutes I think and he was asked ‘why did he cheat?’ he said very succinctly ‘Because I could’. I thought well that was honest, a little harsh but honest. I think many times ppl just do what they can get away with. He’s a powerful man so probably in his mind, the normal mortal rules just didn’t apply.

  42. Eugenia,

    “he said very succinctly ‘Because I could’. I thought well that was honest, a little harsh but honest. I think many times ppl just do what they can get away with.’

    Agreed; that does seem to be a common reason.

  43. Someone explain this to me, but why would a married woman want to go on a singles vacations with her divorced friends and the married woman’s husband let her?

    And then get surprised that she slept with half of Greece when she was down there?

    Seriously these Swedish women have their men so gaslighted.. try to pull that one on a African man.

  44. Some people just expect their mates to honor their commitment to them, no matter where they are. That might be wishful thinking depending on who your partner is, but it’s not always.

  45. I think it can be fun to hang out with my single friends. But I wouldn’t go to single bars and go on *fuck trips* to other countries with them. That is just not proper behaviour. The only time I’ve been away from on a trip alone was when I went down this summer to SA.

    I don’t know what people are thinking.. It’s my generation then marriage is going to die out completely.

    I blame the *Eat, Pray, love* generation. Seriously you black women seems to been infected by that as well in America going by some comments. All I saw when watching that film was a silly spoiled white woman who had a good thing going and decided to go out and get her slut on in various other countries.

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