Article Response: Kanye Isn’t Coming Back

kanye-west-styleAnd even if he were, you don’t need him to.

Journalist and blogger Janelle Harris at The Stir recently posted a letter to rapper and producer Kanye West entitled Kanye West and I Will Never Get Married. Like myself, Janelle is a devoted and longtime fan of Kanye West. And like myself, Janelle decided to write an open letter to Kanye to express her disappointment in his massive backslide.

However, Janelle’s issue with Kanye stems not from his changing musical style or erratic behavior. Janelle calls Kanye to the table for his changing choice of women. As she muses, Janelle touches upon an often-discussed topic in some circles: colorism and the apparent exodus of black men via interracial dating and marriage:

My Dearest Kanye,

Eight years, six albums and several public fiascoes ago, I was introduced to you via “Through the Wire” and I was smitten — with your flow, your word choice, your honesty, your expressiveness…As you turned verses into albums, I really connected with not just your music but with you as a person, like kindred spirits…

So it’s been hard to watch you spiral into a stereotype that bulldogs so many Black men when they ascertain a high level of success: they dump us for the once-forbidden, still-taboo allure of the world of white girls and, if they aren’t quite bold enough to do that, they brandish the good ol’ fashioned colorism card that makes trophies out of light-skinned women. The more racially ambiguous, the better.

The bigger your name — and, can we be honest, your ego — got, the more you started interjecting little quips about race and complexion into your songs… I’m gonna need you not to be sucked into the played out patterns that too many big pimpin’ black men have perpetuated.

I understand that love can come shrouded in any color. Sure as I’m sitting here writing this, some sour commenter blinded by the overarching topic of interracial relationships is going to insist that it’s your right to date whomever you darn well please. And that it is, my dear. You certainly wouldn’t be the last brother to cross that color line and never come back… But the hem of your inner self-conflict is showing, and I think you can be saved.

The other day, my friends and I debated whether you would ever link up with another black woman…I’m wondering if a regular black girl or a chocolatey “Kelly Rowland” could ever be that masterpiece of perfection you like to praise…Look at a picture of your mama and tell me that you don’t find beauty in black women anymore…

I’ll always be a fan, Kanye. But I will be disappointed if you don’t put all that mouth to use to say something that the world needs to hear expressly said about black women: we’re desirable and sexy and art-inspiring, too.

Love, Janelle

While Janelle’s letter was well-written and honest, her concerns are not new and don’t look to be resolvable anywhere in the near future. As such, I’ve written my own letter in response to Janelle:

Dear Janelle,

First of all, I love your letter. I was excited to have accidentally come across it; it could have been written by me. I relate to much of it — I’m also a diehard fan of Kanye’s and have been surprised at how quickly he changed once he became more well-known. I still have some faith, as you do, that Kanye can return to the old Kanye we once knew and loved.

But as I read past the first few paragraphs of your letter, I became less excited and more confused and a little dismayed. This sounds like something I’ve heard before, too many times before.

For the past few years (or past few decades), some black women have been urging black men to “Come back”. Back from their romances with the light and white women, to the brown-skinned black women who love them. And for the past few years (or past few decades), black men have answered with their words and actions — “No.” Janelle, I have to say that Kanye appears to be saying the same.

Kanye isn’t coming back.

kanye-west-donda-westKanye’s given his response to your pleas with his choice of significant others since his rise to fame. Why are you ignoring it? As you have noted, not only has Kanye not made any attempts to reverse his emerging dating pattern, he’s increased it. No, Kanye is no longer interested in dating anyone with the features of his mother or the majority of black American woman. No, Kanye isn’t coming back.

More importantly, you don’t need him to. Black women do not need black men to validate their beauty — it is clear. They are quite beautiful on their own and others can see that.

You see, you simply can’t guilt or force black men into loving or marrying a “regular black girl”, and trying to do so will only backfire. Who will love someone who needs their constant approval? 

And who will believe black men’s proclamations of the beauty of black women when petitions like yours litter the internet, TV, and other media outlets? Every time a Janelle Harris or a Jill Scott exhorts black men to “come back” and love black women, it’s saying that black women need to beg people to love them, because they won’t do so on their own.

If successful black men don’t see the beauty in black women who look like you, then forget about them. Someone does. Focusing your energies on people who, by every account, have shown that they aren’t focused on you, is an exercise in futility. Your time would be better spent on men who show interest in you as you are. Without you having to beg them.

Janelle, I speak from experience. You’re wasting your time worrying about someone who just isn’t interested. I understand where you’re coming from, but you have to loosen those ties — you and similar black women are not bound to black men and we can all see they are not bound to you all. For your happiness, love those who love you.

Sincerely,

alee

 

 

 

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62 thoughts on “Article Response: Kanye Isn’t Coming Back

  1. I remember years ago Kanye saying that he isnt against race mixing cause without that, there would be no video girls and he’s into “half breeds” and so is all the guys he knows around the way.

    I think the vast majority of black men prefer multiracial, latina or white and prefer that even while they are dating browner “regular” black women. Not all are in positions where they are around alot of the type of women they really want but once they are (especially if they have money) you can say goodbye to them. I dont think these days even your typical light skin black woman is gonna cut it for these celebrity black men. She’s got to be visibly ambiguous. Amber Rose for instance does not look black at all. I know she’s at least half black but I barely see that in her. A rich black man would never have a dark woman with that hair as his trophy but Amber can get away with it and never heard any complaints from black men about her being damn near bald.

    Every time a Janelle Harris or a Jill Scott exhorts black men to “come back” and love black women, it’s saying that black women need to beg people to love them, because they won’t do so on their own.

    Applause for that one. I personally think black women should just get over it. I understand why it hurts them, I realy do and it use to hurt me to an extent but since its been going on for so long now, time to just let it go. Whoevers music I like I like. I could care less if they date black women. If they do what does that mean? They arent coming to the midwest to propose to me. Seeing them date a girl like me isnt validating me. She still isnt me and frankly why should any man especially a stranger have that much power over me to where I should feel any kinda way about myself based on who they date?

    Black men are not our “brothas” anymore and havent been for a long time now. We are not bonded or united to eachother the way we use to be in the past so I dont feel like they owe anything to me and I dont owe anything to them. Why exactly does a black man have to date a woman like his mother? My dad was a very dark black man and I wasnt attracted to guys that looked like him other than the height.

  2. Jessica,

    “I remember years ago Kanye saying that he isnt against race mixing cause without that, there would be no video girls”

    Oh yes, I remember that comment in 2006 in Essence Magazine. Janelle had actually mentioned in her full letter:

    “If it wasn’t for race mixing there’d be no video girls. Me and most of my friends like mutts a lot. Yeah, in the hood they call ’em mutts.”

    That was another one of those “Kanye has officially lost it” moments. Of course mixed women’s prime purpose in life is to star in the latest rapper’s music video. Of course.

    “I think the vast majority of black men prefer multiracial, latina or white and prefer that even while they are dating browner “regular” black women.’

    But some of them prefer light-skinned women too! 😛

    I’m really interested in knowing the answer to this. Because black men will vehemently deny this. And the women that appear on black men’s magazines like King appear to be non-mixed light women, with some mixed women.

    “Amber Rose for instance does not look black at all. I know she’s at least half black but I barely see that in her. “

    I think Amber Rose looks mixed (with black)… I guessed she was before knowing her background. She certainly doesn’t look white to me. Just blonde, even though her hair of course is dark brown originally. Her features look more black, and that’s what I look at more than skin tone/hair color.

    “I personally think black women should just get over it. I understand why it hurts them, I realy do and it use to hurt me to an extent but since its been going on for so long now, time to just let it go.”

    Yes, well, you can’t change the unchangeable. I guess they think that if they howl loudly and often enough, across states and countries, and slather on the “what about your mother/sister/cousins” guilt, black men will feel bad enough and change their ways. Yet we haven’t seen that happen and interracial marriage is only increasing.

  3. I can see that Amber has black in her so maybe I worded that wrong and also knew she did before reading about her but imo she looks more white than black before and after the haircut. I look at features more than skin tone also and I cant say her features are totally white but to me they dont really look black either so when you combine those features with skin that light, she comes off more white to me and I bet thats how black guys see her and a big reason why they like her. I know black guys like regular light skin black girls too but I think they get off on someone being “mixed” so that trumps everything to the average black man, that and latina.

  4. Good article, Alee!

    I think articles like these leave some Black women talking out of both sides of their mouths. If only dating mixed women makes you shallow, why would you want a man like that? Will he be any less shallow? I haven’t had this experience, but I would guess that a Black man that prefers mixed/light-skinned women, yet ends up dating a dark-skinned black woman probably has other Eurocentric requirements (like long straight hair or a slim nose).

    Jessica, I’m surprised you didn’t mention Kanye is…on the other team. 🙂

  5. Jessica,

    Hmmm, Amber looks half and half to me. Her lips and facial structure are more reminiscent of black, and her skin isn’t exceedingly light for a mixed person. I guess I’m just used to black or mixed people with full features and light skin because that’s how the majority of my family in the U.S. looks.

    And I’d say the majority of mixed people are closer in color to their white parent than black parent. Some look more tan like Barack Obama or Lenny Kravitz because their black parent is really dark. This is nothing scientific but just something I’ve observed with mixed family, friends, and random people. So yes, since Amber doesn’t look like a Maya Rudolph/Malcolm Gladwell, or even a Salli Richardson, I can’t see her as more white.

    “I know black guys like regular light skin black girls too but I think they get off on someone being “mixed” so that trumps everything to the average black man, that and latina.”

    That’s how it was in my hometown. Of course I never noticed it much while I was there. But that’s who they dated — light women or Hispanic women; there weren’t many mixed women around.

  6. Jasmin

    Thanks.

    “If only dating mixed women makes you shallow, why would you want a man like that? Will he be any less shallow?”

    Indeed. And it makes you wonder why you’d want someone who prefers women who don’t look like you. Imagine that, you’re dating a guy who’d really rather have someone else. That’s bound to give someone a complex if they didn’t have one already.

    “I haven’t had this experience, but I would guess that a Black man that prefers mixed/light-skinned women, yet ends up dating a dark-skinned black woman probably has other Eurocentric requirements (like long straight hair or a slim nose).”

    I’m tempted to say that all black men have Eurocentric requirements, more or less… 🙂

    But yes. I’ve noticed that; if they’re missing some Euro features, then they have to have the others. When I look at the women who my black guy friends from high school like, it’s pretty much like that. Isn’t that what it’s like in the media too?

    “Jessica, I’m surprised you didn’t mention Kanye is…on the other team.”

    Lol. When I was writing this I thought, Jessica’s going to say, “She and Kanye West will never get married because Kanye West is gay!”

  7. Yeah im still far from convinced Kanye is straight but for the sake of the article (which obviously is a much bigger issue than just Kanye) I refrained from talking about that. Black women cant admit that its really just about feeling rejected. I think deep down they may feel “well if my own race doesnt want me than who will”. They cover it up with the black men and self hatred talk and him not wanting someone that looks like his mother but whats really hurting them is plain ol rejection cause im still trying to figure out why anyone has to be with someone that looks like their mother or has the same complexion?

    To me its totally natural for people to want someone a little different from them even within their own race. I personally would feel like im practicing incest to date a guy that looks like me or my brothers so even when I dated black guys, you can be assured they looked nothing like me or any men in my immediate family complexion and all but regardless whether black men hate themselves or in some cases just drawn to something different, who cares anymore? Black men today barely commit to anyone and the bc is so highly dysfunctional so even if they did prefer the average black woman, what is that gonna mean? Is that gonna have an effect on the incarceration rate? Is that gonna make them be fathers to their children?

    And in the case of famous black men, no matter who they marry the chick will probably get cheated on habitually anyway so she can be the trophy all she wants but is sacrificing her dignity in other ways. So she’s not really winning anything over dark black women anyway.

  8. Wait, WTF? I thought this guy was gay. Or sexually ambiguous at least? So are you saying he’s openly dating women now?

  9. Jessica,

    Lol. I appreciate your honesty. Truly. 🙂

    ‘I think deep down they may feel “well if my own race doesnt want me than who will” ‘

    Lots of other people!

    “im still trying to figure out why anyone has to be with someone that looks like their mother or has the same complexion?”

    The thought of dating someone who looks like my dad is kind of… odd.

    Mira, hah. No, Kanye isn’t actually gay or bi (i.e. he has never said he is). Jessica just suspects he is. He dates women…many of them, actually; I sometimes lose track of his girlfriends and I’m a huge fan.

  10. I agree with what was said above in regards to Black men not being our “brothas” unles they actually are our brothers. I was absolutely NOT raised that way, thank the Lord. My parents are from a vastly different generation. And they raised me (both of them) to choose the best man — who treats me well, can take care of me physically, financially and emotionally. They are old enough to have always been mistaken for my grandparents, and even they don’t care who I date. Most of the guys I’ve dated have been White and Latino and they treated them with the same respect they were shown.

    I think many Black American women are obsessed with pleasing the Black community and that is why they feel the need to chase down color-struck Black men and bring them “back home”. I can’t think of any other reason for this phenomena.

    They even use the same line of logic/guilt to try to keep Black men from dating “out” that Black men have (and still do) use on us (What about your daddy/grandpa/brother? bs). If these women were blindfolded and had to choose a man based on things that actually mattered in a mate/husband, very few of these same “brotha come home” women would choose a Black man. Correction, very few of them would choose an “African American” man.

    These types of women have their own colorism thing going on, but don’t have the guts to admit it. I know someone who chose a BM (accused) child-raper/(alleged) murderer/(known) deadbeat leech over an upstanding, financially stable and deeply religious man of another “race”. To me, that is beyond stupid and just plain sick. But typical, because that is what the Black community wants Black women to do. Of course, when psycho goes psycho they will be blaming her for choosing him, and probably for his actions as well. SMH.

    I wish the African American women who felt the need to campaign for Black men to desire them, and prefer them to all other women, didn’t do it in such an embarrassingly public way. It sends the message (an incorrect one) that ALL Black women feel the same way. And that is not even almost the truth.

    I am not a Kanye fan, never was, and I could not care less who he dates or upholds as his inspiration. But I feel the same way about celebs that I do enjoy, so it’s not an anti-Kanye thing.
    Sorry for writing a novella.

  11. He dates women…many of them, actually; I sometimes lose track of his girlfriends and I’m a huge fan.

    Wha… Huh, those are news for me.

    Ok, back on topic. I think the problem arises when you consider members of a group “one of your own”, and then watch individuals from that group rejecting you. So yes, the logical answer would be to either stop seeing these people as one of your own, or stop seeking their approval.

    But in the case of race relations, it’s not that easy. I mean, black women are still not seen as beautiful (black features I mean), and it’s not fair.

    However, this is the old personal vs collective level. All of the above is collective level and it’s about racism and fighting against it. But people should never confuse that with personal level, meaning, their own, individual experience. You can still fight against racism even if you date non-black men, and even if you don’t care what black men think about you.

    I’m aware I should have no say here, since I’m not a black woman and I’m the last person here who should tell black women how to feel or what to do. But this is what I’d say to a friend who chases a guy who doesn’t want her: he’s not worth your time. There are guys waiting for you, so turn your attention to them. And yes, I know this is about identity, but identities are not set in stone: they are constructed and yes, they can change.

  12. Oh, and on unrelated note, a guy can still love his mother but not wanting to marry a girl who looks like her. I mean, just because someone chose a partner who doesn’t looks like his mother/father, doesn’t mean (s)he disrespects her parents.

    The biggest issue I see here, though, are Kanye’s crazy statements about video vixens and mixed women.

    Discussing these only through the colourism/racism lens practically encourages sexism and give it a huge pass.

  13. Hiii Andrea,

    “I think many Black American women are obsessed with pleasing the Black community and that is why they feel the need to chase down color-struck Black men and bring them “back home”. I can’t think of any other reason for this phenomena.”

    Well, that’s one of the reasons. But I think the phenomenon has several causes. I would detail here, but it would take long to write. So I might write about in the future or maybe later here in the comments when I’m feeling up to it. 🙂

    “I wish the African American women who felt the need to campaign for Black men to desire them, and prefer them to all other women, didn’t do it in such an embarrassingly public way. It sends the message (an incorrect one) that ALL Black women feel the same way. And that is not even almost the truth.”

    Agreed. There is little balance in perspectives. Except on the few BWE and BWE-ish blogs and forums. You know there’s an imbalance when other people are worried about this mass exodus of black men/lack of available men they’ve been hearing about everywhere.

    “Sorry for writing a novella.”

    Write more! I love novellas. 🙂

  14. Mira,

    “But in the case of race relations, it’s not that easy. I mean, black women are still not seen as beautiful (black features I mean), and it’s not fair.”

    I see them as beautiful. Well, I really can’t pick out individual features and say they are attractive or unattractive, across the board. But I find many people whose features would be considered black to be attractive.

    “I’m aware I should have no say here, since I’m not a black woman and I’m the last person here who should tell black women how to feel or what to do.”

    I don’t think you have to be a black woman to see a sensible, workable solution here. And you’ve found it. 😉

    “The biggest issue I see here, though, are Kanye’s crazy statements about video vixens and mixed women.

    Discussing these only through the colourism/racism lens practically encourages sexism and give it a huge pass.”

    Yes… he’s a rapper. So sexism is basically implied.

    …Just kidding. Sort of.

  15. Oh Alee! Another great post!

    Seriously. Give it up ladies. Black men don’t want you. Go else were. Treatment is better and you won’t get dumped for the first light skinned mulatto Jezebel hussie that comes along. And don’t you just love it when black men comes along dating a ‘black’ mixed woman saying ‘She be still black. You ain’t got nothing say! One drop rule muthafucka!’.

  16. I see them as beautiful. Well, I really can’t pick out individual features and say they are attractive or unattractive, across the board.

    I don’t mean you and I, or any individual man. I mean: media and such. When group you belong to is universally considered attractive, it’s different for you, even if you personally aren’t attractive. (I have no idea why this happens, but it does. I mean, seriously, there are overweight, brunette white women who still see Heidi Klum as “looking more like them” than an overweight woman of another race <- just an example of this sort of thinking).

    I'm not saying blame the media… but, why not? 😛

  17. Ok, I know this isn’t rap music & sexism thread, but seriously… Why giving it a pass, ever? Or, let me rephrase this: why seeking for an approval of a sexist man, of a man who refers to women as mutts? Why would you want for this man to “come home”. Why would he be welcomed anywhere?

  18. Mira: Wait, WTF? I thought this guy was gay. Or sexually ambiguous at least? So are you saying he’s openly dating women now?

    LMAO!!!

  19. Jessica,

    I wasn’t sarcastic there. I seriously thought Kanye’s sexual orientation is something that many people talk about.

  20. “Why is it that the Black men who talks the most ‘black’ dates only white girls?”
    ~Nkosazana

    Must be guilt. Also, these “Afrocentric” (African American) type guys are the ones most likely to harass me when they find out that my boyfriend is White… and isn’t nearby. Picking on women is really brave. *sarcasm*

    “Write more! I love novellas.”
    ~Alee

    Lol. That’s good to hear, because I have a tendency to write long, to make certain that I am not misunderstood.

    “why seeking for an approval of a sexist man, of a man who refers to women as mutts? Why would you want for this man to “come home”. Why would he be welcomed anywhere?”
    ~Mira

    Yes! Exactly! Any guy who sees women this way should be avoided like the plague.

  21. I posted this on her article but its moderated so doubt she’ll post it: Janelle, No offense but I really wish black women like you would stop making us all look like desperate losers that have to beg black men to love us. Can I ask why are you airing out our dirty laundry on a mainstream blog? Black women already have certain stereotypes that you are just reinforcing.

    Not all of us care who black men date. Not all of us even date black men. Black men are just men like any other. Sharing skin color doesnt mean you belong to someone and they belong to you. Kanye is an extreme narcissist so it blows my mind how anyone could care who he dates whether they like his music or not.

    Black men dont change their preferances once they “make it”. They’ve always had those preferances just didnt always have the opportunity to act on them. So what though? And why do black men have to be with someone that looks like their mother? I personally dont want anyone that looks like my dad. Thats weird to me when people say that. As black people, do we have to look like we are practicing incest in order for the black police (aka the black community) to be satisfied with our dating choices?

    Some black women need to stop being so attached to black men especially ones they dont even know. Who black men date does not validate who you are or your beauty. They are just MEN not God’s. Have no idea why so many black women make them out to be when clearly they dont see black women the same way and they dont have to. Its a big world out there full of all kinds of men. Worry only about ones that want you and not ones that dont.

  22. “As black people, do we have to look like we are practicing incest in order for the black police (aka the black community) to be satisfied with our dating choices?”
    ~Jessica

    ROFLMAO. That’s another reason that whole “brotha” thing has always creeped me out. Who the heck wants to date/marry their brother or sister?

    “Its a big world out there full of all kinds of men. Worry only about ones that want you and not ones that dont.”
    ~Jessica

    Amen. I really do hope she published and responds to your comment. This “brotha come back” nonsense needs to be nipped in the bud… Pronto!

  23. This is a great post. I think this is a message more young people need to hear. One of the key parts of developing self-esteem and self security is understanding that pining after people who don’t want you is a waste of time and a false dream. If they were really right for you, they wouldn’t come out of the gate being so opposed to people with your traits. If you did manage to cajole one of those people into dating you, then you’d have a problem, LOL! Spending time trying to change your core self so someone will love you is a big mistake. Respect yourself and the people who love you by trying to focus your attention and effort on people who are open to loving you.

  24. I don’t have any brothers, but the whole “looks like your mother/father/brother/sister” bit is bull crap anyway. No guy I’ve ever dated has resembled my dad in any way, and my mom is light-skinned, so if I did have a brother dating a light-skinned woman, he’d technically meet the “requirements”, yet still face the scorn of women like the author.

    Nearly all of the women in my family are partnered with black men, but I have yet to find one who cares who other, unfamiliar black men are dating. Where do these women come from?

  25. Nkosazana,

    “Oh Alee! Another great post!”

    Thank ye. 🙂

    And don’t you just love it when black men comes along dating a ‘black’ mixed woman saying ‘She be still black. You ain’t got nothing say! One drop rule muthafucka!’.

    But she is still black!! Lol.

    Mira,

    “Ok, I know this isn’t rap music & sexism thread, but seriously… Why giving it a pass, ever? Or, let me rephrase this: why seeking for an approval of a sexist man, of a man who refers to women as mutts? Why would you want for this man to “come home”. Why would he be welcomed anywhere?”

    To be honest, this is pretty much regular speak in hip-hop circles. So people who are familiar with them and/or listen to them are used to sexism, and really don’t think much about it.

    People were mainly offended by Kanye’s comment because of the racial connotations, like they were by wannabe rapper Yung Berg’s “I don’t like dark butts” comment and Lil’ Wayne’s endless statements and songs about light skin, redbone, yellow, etc.

  26. Jessica,

    “I posted this on her article but its moderated so doubt she’ll post it:”

    I’m surprised it didn’t post.

    I know The Stir is moderated (for non-members), but I thought your comment would post. There were other comments that disagreed with her (including the mandatory “that’s racist!” comments) and they posted. But maybe she/whoever is moderating this particular article didn’t much like your comment. 🙂

    Jessica says:

    “As black people, do we have to look like we are practicing incest in order for the black police (aka the black community) to be satisfied with our dating choices?”

    Andrea says:

    ‘ROFLMAO. That’s another reason that whole “brotha” thing has always creeped me out. Who the heck wants to date/marry their brother or sister?’

    I don’t know about you all, but my brother is quite handsome. I wouldn’t mind dating a guy who looked like him.

    Lol, just joking… 😉

  27. I just joined so I could make sure it posted. Its up there now. Hopefully it wont be deleted. It was real and needed to be said. Could care less if the author doesnt like it. Im tired of articles like this being written especially on mainstream blogs where its more non black people. It makes us look like desperate women that have to beg our men to love us. A different opinion should be heard.

  28. Hi Rosco, welcome. 🙂

    “If they were really right for you, they wouldn’t come out of the gate being so opposed to people with your traits. If you did manage to cajole one of those people into dating you, then you’d have a problem, LOL!”

    Seriously. You could never be sure that they are comfortable with you, and for most people it’s only a matter of time before they start slipping back to their old preferences.

    It’s like me with a short, muscular guy. He might be able to persuade me to date him, but eventually I’d start looking at every tall, slim guy that passes by. 😛

    But re: Kanye, long ago, I also resigned myself to the fact that Kanye and I are probably not going to get married. Not because I don’t fit his complexion requirements but because he’s a celeb; I don’t have the fame and connections to land on his radar.

  29. Jasmin,

    I understand the “looks like [family member]” statement is meant in the abstract sense of has similar features, color, hair texture. But I just don’t see why people put so much emphasis on this. Why should anyone only have to like features their family members have? Sounds like the start of prejudice and so-called innocuous “preferences”… Besides, I don’t think my father will feel slighted if I marry a guy who doesn’t look like him.

    “Nearly all of the women in my family are partnered with black men, but I have yet to find one who cares who other, unfamiliar black men are dating. Where do these women come from?”

    Everywhere… They’re more vocal on the internet and black-only spaces, but they lurk in smaller numbers in other places. I run into them, now and then. But I’d say the majority of black women have more important things to worry about than who black men are dating.

    Jessica,

    “I just joined so I could make sure it posted.”

    LOL. You are too funny.

    It will probably stay up, now.

    I just wished she’d respond to comments. I’d really like to know her response to the replies. I’m thinking of contacting her via her website so she can respond to the comments here… What do you think? I don’t want a showdown around here or anything. 🙂

  30. I understand the mindset since I use to be like one of these women to an extent but I never tried to guilt black men either by bringing the mother, sister comments into it but I wanted a black family and wanted our race to be healed of the past and to heal our relationships and the reason I was so attached to that and no other alternative was because I didnt think there was an alternative. Black girls/women are brought up to think only black men could ever find us attractive. What broke me out of that was the first white guy I dated as well as seeing how black men as a whole truly just dont give a damn about black relationships or the black community cause for whatever reason they arent tied to their black identity the way black women are but black men are men. They think with their you know what so if a different type of woman feels good to his you know what, thats all that matters to him haha and good for him.

    I honestly believe a big portion of black american women feel they are black more than they are just women and when they start to see themselves as just women who happen to be black, maybe their mindsets will change also. When your whole world is tied to “blackness” then your not gonna be able to see anything else so its no suprise a good portion dont want to open themselves to non black men and also get so mad at black men who clearly are not tied to his blackness the same way.

  31. ” When your whole world is tied to “blackness” then your not gonna be able to see anything else so its no suprise a good portion dont want to open themselves to non black men and also get so mad at black men who clearly are not tied to his blackness the same way.”
    ~Jessica

    If you feel obligated to “hold up the race” so to speak, and the men of your “race” do not, it’s going to lead to these types of feelings. You can’t help but feel resentful. The only women on earth who are brainwashed to believe they are supposed to uphold and “protect” their race (and grown men) is African American women. Which is why I don’t get mad at such women, except in cases like this, when they are embarrassing and stigmatizing all of us with their public whining. I feel very fortunate that I was not raised that way, and have always seen myself as a woman first. A man either appeals to me or he doesn’t. Ethnicity and religion doesn’t mean much.

  32. Jessica,

    “I understand the mindset since I use to be like one of these women to an extent… I wanted a black family and wanted our race to be healed of the past and to heal our relationships and the reason I was so attached to that”

    Uh oh, what do they call these types? “Sister soldiers”. 😉

    “I honestly believe a big portion of black american women feel they are black more than they are just women”

    I don’t think they put much emphasis on the “woman” label either way. It simply doesn’t occur to them.

  33. Before I even read the comments, I knew what I wanted to say about this… and Jessica said it.

    I REALLY don’t like this blogger. Long before this Kanye article. The Stir is part of Cafe Mom, a “mom blog” that attracts mostly married white women. Or maybe it’s not Janelle I have the issue with… but it bothers me that this site has ONE black mom blogger (that I can tell) and she blogs about she hates being called a baby mama, how her boyfriend of X years won’t marry her, how she’s hooked on bad boys, etc. on this site. So while she’s spilling her guts on The Stir, I get the impression that her rantings are nothing but entertainment and voyeurism for this upper-class white female audience.

    Janelle also writes for Essence, and at least there, you can say she’s speaking to the intended audience. But I really wish more black women would have a better sense of awareness about their audience and how they are being perceived before they engage in written diarrhea on various websites…

    As for what she wrote, ho hum. I don’t care who the audience is… Essence/The Stir/whomever… but black women really sound quite pathetic with all of this, “Why won’t you black men love us? Pleeeeease love us!!!!”

  34. Alee, but that’s the thing: your family members can be white people/people with “white” features, yet you would still get the “date people who look like [black] family members” criticism. That’s why that argument doesn’t fly with me–all of the stereotypical white woman features (thin nose/lips, light skin, flat ass, non-visible cheekbones etc.) can be found on black women in my family, so it’s not like that logic makes a black man any more likely to date a “black-looking” woman.

    I’ve never experienced a dearth of attention from black men (and neither have any of the women in my family), plus I’m not single, so I have no dog in this fight, but the variety of experiences does make me wonder. What makes some women internalize rejection from black men and take it as a blow to their self-esteem, while others are oblivious/don’t care?

  35. Bunny,

    “I REALLY don’t like this blogger.”

    Another uh oh…

    “Or maybe it’s not Janelle I have the issue with… but it bothers me that this site has ONE black mom blogger (that I can tell) and she blogs about she hates being called a baby mama, how her boyfriend of X years won’t marry her… get the impression that her rantings are nothing but entertainment and voyeurism for this upper-class white female audience.”

    Interesting. I didn’t see those articles; I liked the ones I saw of hers…

    I did think her writings were a bit different from the other bloggers, and out of place. However, it seems like that whenever a strongly black-identified person decides to write for a “mainstream” magazine/e-zine. I guess they think they’re opening up these issues to a larger audience. But certain articles are really just for certain audience(s). Like hers… and mine, for that matter.

    “Janelle also writes for Essence”

    I learned of that right after I wrote this article. It makes sense. 😯

    “As for what she wrote, ho hum.”

    Same stuff, different day. I just liked the Kanye aspect of it.

  36. Jasmin,

    ‘Alee, but that’s the thing: your family members can be white people/people with “white” features, yet you would still get the “date people who look like [black] family members” criticism.’

    This is true. Oddly enough.

    “What makes some women internalize rejection from black men and take it as a blow to their self-esteem, while others are oblivious/don’t care?”

    I think a lot of it has to do with your experiences, the way you were brought up, and what you were taught to value, implicitly or explicitly.

    In the average black community, from what I can glean, the approval of men (i.e. black men) is very important. Both because these communities are very sexist and because many of the families in them are composed of single mother households. There’s also the situation where a person has learned to (overly) value black “togetherness” via their family, friends, etc.

    And of course, personality and inherent self-concept. I don’t see you or Bunny or several other women on this blog crying about any man not wanting you. You would just go, “Oh well, he doesn’t know what he’s missing! I’m fabulous.”

  37. Interesting. I didn’t see those articles; I liked the ones I saw of hers…

    I did think her writings were a bit different from the other bloggers, and out of place. However, it seems like that whenever a strongly black-identified person decides to write for a “mainstream” magazine/e-zine. I guess they think they’re opening up these issues to a larger audience. But certain articles are really just for certain audience(s). Like hers… and mine, for that matter.

    Do a search under “baby mama” and “I give up on giving married” and you’ll see them.

    Let me just say that I’m glad to have “diverse” voices speaking on motherhood on so-called mainstream sites. And that doesn’t just mean racially diverse either… I’d like to hear from women from different parts of the country, different class levels, women from other countries raising their kids in the USA, etc. The mom-blog world can feel very WASPY, and we all know that WASP women aren’t the only ones having kids! Far from it!

    But… my ongoing problem with such “diversity” is that these sites include one black blogger (or Hispanic, etc.)… so whatever her story is, that’s what’s representative of black motherhood. And there’s no balance of her perspective with that of a currently married black mother, a single black mother by divorce, etc.

    So… we get a story about being offended about being called a “baby mama” and the white women making comments go, “Oh, I totally hate when my husband jokingly calls me his baby mama.” Oh yes, let’s laugh at the never-married black mother of a 12-year old!

    Since Janelle writes for a number of different audiences (Essence, Clutch, etc.,) I wish she’d have a better understanding in terms of tailoring her message to the intended group instead of allowing herself to play the dysfunctional black single mother role for a WASPy audience.

  38. Bunny,

    “But… my ongoing problem with such “diversity” is that these sites include one black blogger (or Hispanic, etc.)…”

    Well, that’s all you need right? One “PoC” blogger to speak for them all… 😉

    “So… we get a story about being offended about being called a “baby mama” and the white women making comments go, “Oh, I totally hate when my husband jokingly calls me his baby mama.” ‘

    This would be funny if it weren’t sad. Because many are probably thinking her experiences are reflective of the average black American mother.

    “Since Janelle writes for a number of different audiences…I wish she’d have a better understanding in terms of tailoring her message to the intended group”

    She’s thinking like a blogger: all press is good press, any audience is a good audience.

    Kidding… She’s probably just being herself and speaking her mind. I assume she knows what the audience of the Stir is like but she wants to reach out to a broader group, plus speak for those who are in the minority on the site.

    If Janelle weren’t so outnumbered, I’d also include the fact that the blogger and their writings determine the audience.

    For example, according to my blog stats, the average reader of this blog is a middle to upper-middle class black or mixed woman from the U.S. in her 20s or 30s (or in the case of men, a white man of similar background), who holds a bachelor’s or advanced degree and currently has no kids.

    Everyone who reads this blog doesn’t fit into those demographics but the majority do; I can confirm that by who interacts with me via comments, emails, links, etc. And it’s not very surprising, considering. Perhaps Janelle should come over here… *looks at comments*. Actually, never mind. 🙂

  39. Jessica,

    I understand the mindset since I use to be like one of these women to an extent but I never tried to guilt black men either by bringing the mother, sister comments into it but I wanted a black family and wanted our race to be healed of the past and to heal our relationships and the reason I was so attached to that and no other alternative was because I didnt think there was an alternative. Black girls/women are brought up to think only black men could ever find us attractive.

    Yeah, I do think this is an issue a lot of black women face… but once black women and girls know they have options, then that sense of betrayal/loss/wincing about black men dating interracially seems to go away… I truly think that emotional reaction is more about feeling that there’s a lack of options available versus really really really wanting a black man soooo badly.

    The other thing I’ve noticed that’s interesting is that black women are the only ones who are so vocal about wanting a “black family” or about “healing” relationships. This is not to say that black men who marry black women never have those thoughts, but I never hear black men talking about how they’re trying to make a “statement” with their choice of a black mate and non-mixed kids.

    I’ve always thought it interesting too that a lot of single black women who only date black men want to do all of this “healing” work regarding black relationships. Never heard a single black man express that desire… Sorry, but single black women “begging” for black men to “come home” ain’t healing crap… and no, your efforts at “healing” relationships while you yourself are single is NOT what’s going to get you a man!

    My response to those women was that, if this was really important to them, they needed to get their own relationship in place first, and THEN, with their black husband, the two of them could work together to promote healthy black relationships/marriages. An example of a healthy marriage involving two black partners does a ton more to promote “black love” than single black women begging for a particular black man to want them.

    (Jessica, I know you aren’t thinking this now, but this was my message to single black women I encountered who expressed this sentiment.)

  40. or example, according to my blog stats, the average reader of this blog is a middle to upper-middle class black or mixed woman from the U.S. in her 20s or 30s (or in the case of men, a white man of similar background), who holds a bachelor’s or advanced degree and currently has no kids.

    Alees dating service? 🙂

  41. Alee,

    Yep, looks like I fit right in your blog demographic! 🙂

    She’s probably just being herself and speaking her mind. I assume she knows what the audience of the Stir is like but she wants to reach out to a broader group, plus speak for those who are in the minority on the site.

    Yeah, I guess I can see that… maybe for me, having been a writer for a while, I’m less awed about the whole idea of “ooh, I’m published, yay!” and really think more about what messages I want to send and who I want to reach. Plus, I no longer feel the need to provide a so-called authentic black “slice of life” for the good white folk who might not have any exposure to black people. And although I’m not yet a mom, I probably relate a lot more to the other white bloggers than to Janelle just because of the family structure I’ll have for my kid.

    I did notice that one person who commented on the Kanye article basically expressed my thoughts… that she really should stop writing things that make black women look desperate, unloved and needy on a “mainstream” blog filled with married white women.

    And I have to agree. Good writers need to learn the art of knowing “when” to speak their minds. You can say whatever you want on your own personal blog, but if you’re blogging on someone else’s platform, “speaking your mind” isn’t always the best thing to do.

  42. Nkosazana,

    “Alees dating service?”

    Hah! I would be so delighted if anyone found love through this blog. But the male to female ratio is 40:60 or two men for every three women, and lots of the men would rather send emails than comment. Still, it could happen. 🙂

    Bunny,

    ‘… maybe for me, having been a writer for a while, I’m less awed about the whole idea of “ooh, I’m published, yay!” and really think more about what messages I want to send and who I want to reach.’

    That’s a good way of looking at. Here I don’t really look for a certain audience and everyone is welcome. But you can’t target everyone and the blog does have a demographic. Which is okay because that demographic has proved worthwhile.

    Speaking of writing, you should start a blog. I know you’re busy but so am I. If you did start one, I would be a loyal reader and commenter. 🙂

    “I did notice that one person who commented on the Kanye article basically expressed my thoughts… that she really should stop writing things that make black women look desperate, unloved and needy on a “mainstream” blog filled with married white women.”

    That was Jessica! Our Jessica. LOL.

  43. Bunny,

    “once black women and girls know they have options, then that sense of betrayal/loss/wincing about black men dating interracially seems to go away… “

    With so many black women in the public eye dating non-black men, you wouldn’t think this was an issue. From Alfre Woodard to Joy Bryant to Zoe Saldana to Oluchi Onweagba, there are black women of all backgrounds, personalities, and looks dating or married to men who are not black.

    As much as people consume media you’d think they’d know this, but I guess the “No one wants you” so-called black community is always a bug in their ear.

    “My response to those women was that, if this was really important to them, they needed to get their own relationship in place first, and THEN, with their black husband, the two of them could work together to promote healthy black relationships/marriages.”

    You always make me laugh with these (should be) common sensical viewpoints. I can just picture you saying them and it’s quietly forceful and to-the-point.

    Good advice. 😀

  44. “Alee, but that’s the thing: your family members can be white people/people with “white” features, yet you would still get the “date people who look like [black] family members” criticism. That’s why that argument doesn’t fly with me–all of the stereotypical white woman features (thin nose/lips, light skin, flat ass, non-visible cheekbones etc.) can be found on black women in my family, so it’s not like that logic makes a black man any more likely to date a “black-looking” woman.”
    ~Jasmin

    I know so many African Americans who are negatively affected by this type of idiotic thinking. They feel rejected because they don’t look stereotypically “Black”. More often men than women, of course. Though women feel picked on and blamed by other AA women for having been born lighter; like they could have prevented it somehow! It’s a bit ironic that African Americans, who are among the most ethnically mixed people on the planet, are so divided over skin-tone and bone structure. It’s very sad.

    “Since Janelle writes for a number of different audiences (Essence, Clutch, etc.,) I wish she’d have a better understanding in terms of tailoring her message to the intended group instead of allowing herself to play the dysfunctional black single mother role for a WASPy audience.”
    ~Bunny77

    Some people, no matter how intelligent or talented they may be, have no sense of propriety. That is why I tend to keep my own counsel, in regard to my personal business.

    “I’ve always thought it interesting too that a lot of single black women who only date black men want to do all of this “healing” work regarding black relationships. Never heard a single black man express that desire… Sorry, but single black women “begging” for black men to “come home” ain’t healing crap… and no, your efforts at “healing” relationships while you yourself are single is NOT what’s going to get you a man!”
    ~Bunny77

    I have noticed that while BM will pat such women on the head and say, “Good girl!” they don’t actually WANT women who are like that. They will let such women buy them dinner, cars, clothes, pay their bills, do their laundry and have sex with them, but they don’t actually WANT them the way a man wants a woman.

    In fact, in my experience, the least interested you are in BM the more interested they are in you. But the same holds true for other groups of men. Men, in general, do NOT want women who are willing to chase them down, no matter what they may claim publicly. They don’t respect, honor or desire women who are easily attained/ won. It’s primal, I think. Men like hunting and capturing their prey / woman. These women are ruining their own chances of finding love.

  45. Your response was perfection Alee! You can’t change anyone, you can only change yourself. And yes, begging is putting your focus and energy in the wrong places, it distracts you from being in a place where you can truly be loved and accepted as you are.

    I enjoy reading the feedback on this. That’s all :).

  46. . You would just go, “Oh well, he doesn’t know what he’s missing! I’m fabulous.”

    Well, yeah. 🙂 And why didn’t you include yourself?

  47. Hi Nikisha! Happy Belated Birthday, again. 🙂

    …begging is putting your focus and energy in the wrong places, it distracts you from being in a place where you can truly be loved and accepted as you are.”

    Yes. And this place is so much better, but you wouldn’t know if you’re always focused on things that don’t get results.

    Jasmin,

    I guess because I always try to figure things out first; everything is not so cut and dried to me as it may be to other people. I’d probably spend some time trying to figure out why he/certain group doesn’t like me and whether that will ever change.

    But in the end of course I’d move on. One thing I don’t like is wasting time and thinking about the situation after I’ve figured out why is wasting a colossal amount of time I’ll never get back.

  48. Why focus on someone who doesn’t want you?? That’s insanity. Anyone with any real self-esteem would not do that–it’s a flat waste of time. I also agree that BW do not own BM,nor vice versa. People have preferences and for some BM, they prefer non-BW or racially ambiguous women. I don’t see that as an insult, nor has it ever bothered me. If a BM has a chip on his shoulder about BW or does not see them as a suitable mate, those are his issues, not mine. I think that we focus on the wrong things instead of establishing healthy, loving relationships with men regardless of color. These women who are so disturbed by this may need to examine their reasons as to why it’s so hurtful. Some of us have “Daddy Issues” which directly affect the types of men we get involved with. But with Kanye and a few others in the entertainment business, they seem pretty unhinged. Especially Kanye, who hasn’t been wrapped too tightly since his mother passed away. He’s no big loss to BW at all as far as I’m concerned.

  49. Hi NatrlGal,

    “If a BM has a chip on his shoulder about BW or does not see them as a suitable mate, those are his issues, not mine.”

    Right… let’s allow people to deal with their own issues instead of making them our issues as well.

    “with Kanye and a few others in the entertainment business, they seem pretty unhinged. Especially Kanye, who hasn’t been wrapped too tightly since his mother passed away. He’s no big loss to BW at all as far as I’m concerned.”

    *sniff* I actually like Kanye. 😦

    But I agree that he hasn’t been the same since his mother passed. I wish he would return to the old Kanye, this new one is like every.other.rapper and thus not appealing to me at all.

  50. If successful black men don’t see the beauty in black women who look like you, then forget about them. Someone does. Focusing your energies on people who, by every account, have shown that they aren’t focused on you, is an exercise in futility. Your time would be better spent on men who show interest in you as you are. Without you having to beg them.

    First I have to say I love this part, I don’t have to beg anyone to love me b/c if do they don’t love anyway. Love is voluntary, not subject to ultimatums, desperate pleas, and blackmail. I’ve never cared much about bm dating ww or any other woman. Particularly because I wasn’t interested in black men, so why would I care if they went else where looking for whatever they were looking for. Also I never really had an issue with bm trying to hit on me, they pretty much hit on anything that looks possibly available like most men. I think what used to surprise them is that I had no interest in them b/c up in these parts a lot bw are like starving for a crust of bread for bm’s attention. I made a choice, they made a choice. Who cares who Kanye dates, that’s his life. I cannot in all good conscience say I can have a choice then somehow take your choice from you. My brother is married a white woman, that does not reflect on me as his sister. She’s a nice woman, they’re happily married, they have given me a beautiful niece, my brother loves me and I love him. End of story. I’m not trying to be judge of who’s interracial love is legitimate and who’s is not. I haven’t time for that b/c I’m busy loving somebody. Although Matt doesn’t look anything like my dad besides his height, he reminds me in his way he acts of my father immensely which is a good thing. Janelle maybe needs to get some self-interest and self-love like many bm have done.

  51. Eugenia,

    “I cannot in all good conscience say I can have a choice then somehow take your choice from you.”

    QFP.

    I think the key part everyone here keeps going back to is choice. The “come home” women don’t think, or don’t realize, that they have a choice just like everyone else.

    And your nieces are too cute.

  52. “I’m not trying to be judge of who’s interracial love is legitimate and who’s is not. I haven’t time for that b/c I’m busy loving somebody.”
    ~eugeniamb

    I have heard the whole “Just wanting to make sure you (or someone else) is dating someone who’s not Black for the right reasons”, BS so many times it’s ridiculous. Who are they to play judge of a relationship they’re not in? And what are the “right reasons”? They probably have the time to worry about this stuff because they are usually single and not dating, or single and clinging to a dead-end relationship, so that they don’t have to accept that they’re single.

    “Janelle maybe needs to get some self-interest and self-love like many bm have done.”
    ~eugeniamb

    I could not agree more. I feel bad for women like Janelle who hang on to a delusion that does not benefit them. But that is a choice they are making. And everyone has the right to make their own good and bad choices, including her dream negro — Kanye. You would think someone with a kid would be too busy to care what a celeb was doing and who with. Being a parent must not be as difficult and time-consuming as I thought. Lol.

  53. Andrea: I have heard the whole “Just wanting to make sure you (or someone else) is dating someone who’s not Black for the right reasons”, BS so many times it’s ridiculous. Who are they to play judge of a relationship they’re not in? And what are the “right reasons”?

    Exactly and even if its for the wrong reasons, my thing is so what? Alot of people are with people for the wrong reasons, thats them. The subject is so tired now. Black women have been talking about this in the media for damn near twenty years. I remember watching numerous Jenny Jones and Ricki Lake shows about this topic in the 90’s. They should give it a rest already. People are gonna date who they want to date period.

    lmao @dream negro….lolz!!!

  54. Andrea,

    “…everyone has the right to make their own good and bad choices, including her dream negro — Kanye.

    LMAO.

    I swear, this blog has the funniest commenters.

    “Being a parent must not be as difficult and time-consuming as I thought. Lol.”

    Lol, Andrea… I just have no words. 🙂

    Jessica,

    “The subject is so tired now. Black women have been talking about this in the media for damn near twenty years. I remember watching numerous Jenny Jones and Ricki Lake shows about this topic in the 90′s.”

    They were talking about this prior to the ’90s.

    I’ve read articles on this subject from the early ’80s. Black women might have been talking about this since Loving v. Virginia, or even before that.

  55. I’m always shocked as kind of sad when I hear any bw say she likes Kanye West after the dig he takes at bw in his song gold digger, especially when we know there are more white/light gold diggers than black ones. Could a bw get away with inaccurately stereotyping bm in a #1 radio hit? BTW, Kola Buff wrote a nice piece on that song (“The Rap about Gold Diggers”).

  56. Me, Yeah I hated that line in Gold Digger also. While I still found some things about Kanye amusing, thats when I started to dislike him and he even said that was the greatest line ever (or something like that). “leave yo ass for a white girl” (yawn). How many times do we have to hear that nonsense? The only rap I listen to is Pac and Bone. I never really moved into the 2000’s when it comes to music especially when it comes to black music cause its really went downhill on the rap and r&b front. Rap mightve been more violent in the 90’s but at least they were talking about something. Modern rap is just too superficially based for me to listen to now.

  57. Me (and who is “Me”? 🙂 ),

    I guess I just disregarded Gold Digger. Like “Workout Plan”, it just seemed to me like one of those joke songs that were made for the mainstream and really shouldn’t be taken seriously. But I get what you’re saying.

    Jessica,

    Couldn’t that “but when he get on he leave yo’ ass for a white girl” line have been taken as a dig at black men? Since he’s talking about this black woman sticking by a black man’s side, then when he becomes successful, he leaves her for a white woman? Which is so stereotypical…

    “he even said that was the greatest line ever (or something like that).”

    Kanye thinks every line of his is the hottest line ever. Lol.

  58. “When he get old, he’ll leave yo ass for a White girl” has always been nothing but hilarity to me. That song came on the radio when Z and I were in the car a few weeks ago, and I said it to him and laughed my ass off. I always took it as a tongue-in-cheek poke at Black men (tbh, the whole song seems like it’s getting on Black men for choosing gold diggers, then being surprised when they dig for gold). And I don’t think Kanye exempts himself from that criticism–he’s like a kid in a candy store lapping that sh*t up, knowing full well that it’s no good for him in the long run.

  59. Jasmin,

    “I always took it as a tongue-in-cheek poke at Black men”

    I saw it that way too.

    “I don’t think Kanye exempts himself from that criticism–he’s like a kid in a candy store lapping that sh*t up, knowing full well that it’s no good for him in the long run.”

    Yes, lol. I truly think he knows that he’s digging himself a hole but he doesn’t know how to stop, nor does he want to stop.

  60. I agree with what you wrote Alee. I cringed as I read her letter because I wondered why she needed Kanye to validate her beauty as a woman and more importantly as a Black Woman. In 2011, why does she and the Jill Scott’s out there need a these black men who have shown with their words (songs) and actions (who they date) that they do not care for nor want to extol the beauty of brown skinned black women? It seems so obvious yet its really not to those who continue to ego stroke these men into thinking that they are the only option for black women. Its like the girl who keeps chasing after the guy who doesn’t want her. The more she chases the better he feels about treating her like dirt because her blind desire and lack of self respect shows how she sees herself while simultaneously boosting his ego and his desirablilty factor in the eyes of the women he really wants. She is like his own PR woman without being on the payroll and she doesn’t even know it. Black women have so many options in the pool of men outside the black male pool. A lot of women say they want black love. I believe “black” love is the love you have with the man who loves and respects you, provides and protects you and your family above all else. Thats love. Black men are providing this love to other women while scoffing at the “Black” in black love that many black women are holding onto while pleasing for black men to come back. Everytime I hear it, or read it it makes me shake my head because the obvious is so not obvious to these women wasting their time while simultaneously reinforcing the stereotype that black women are nothing but a brotha type women.

  61. Hey bronzegoddess,

    “I cringed as I read her letter because I wondered why she needed Kanye to validate her beauty as a woman and more importantly as a Black Woman.”

    I mean, I get it. I really do understand the mentality that provokes the kind of letter Janelle wrote. But we’re at the point where we know where this discussion is going: nowhere. So putting yourself out there, time and time again, is just masochistic. I can want someone to do something, but if they’ve refused me over and over again, there is no use in continuously asking, begging.

    “A lot of women say they want black love. I believe “black” love is the love you have with the man who loves and respects you, provides and protects you and your family above all else.”

    QFT.

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