Your Partner is a Jerk and Why You Should Care

rude-partnerYour partner is a jerk. They yell at service people, are quick to engage in an argument or fight, and make sure to put anyone who crosses them back “in their place.” When they come around, people who are familiar with them are wary. To put it bluntly: your partner is a rude, unbearable torture.

So what do you do? If you’re like most people I’ve known: nothing. You ignore it. After all, your partner is sweet as pie to you, and is only rude sometimes. You just know deep down that they are truly a kind, humane, and civil individual. But you laugh at their jokes at the expense of others. You may even find their surly manner to be admirable and attractive and are proud of how easy they “assert” themselves.

There seems to be an epidemic of rude, outright gruff partners. Particularly these partners with people who are quite unlike them — the most polite and kind people you could ever meet. Opposites attract, right? Well, in addition to this epidemic there seems to be more break-ups of this type, and more people complaining about their unbearable ex-partners.

When I hear about a friend or acquaintance remarking how horrible their ex is now being to them or was to them during their break-up, I’m usually not surprised. What did they expect? Their partner has always been on the rude side — this is not a new development. The only thing new about the situation is that their partner’s rudeness is now directed towards them, instead of only to others. Which brings me to one reason why you should care if your current partner makes Spencer Pratt look like Mother Theresa:

1. You Are Not Immune

For reasons unknown, persons who find themselves in relationships with rude people believe they will never or rarely have to deal with their partner’s “other” side. They believe that is reserved for everyone else, those the person doesn’t love as much. This delusion remains up until the break-up, when they realize just how wrong they were.

I’ve yet to see a rude person spare former partners from their jerkiness. Try as they might, questionable comments slip out here and there. Or they might not try, especially if the break-up was a difficult one. And in either situation, their former partner, the one who would look the other way as they cursed out their favorite enemy, end ups having to clean up the mess.

spencer-pratt-heidi-montag

Spencer Pratt and gloriously oblivious victim, wife Heidi Montag

2. If You Lay Down With Dogs…

When in a close relationship with another person, you may begin to take on their traits. Subtly though this may be, one day after years together you may find yourself their opposite sex twin. Same clothes, same hair. And same insufferable attitude.

However, even if your transformation is not as obvious, your association with this person will begin to affect you socially and personally. Friends and even family members may decide to avoid dealing with either of you. By linking up with someone who people find immediately, or eventually, to be unbearable, you become unbearable. Just ask the people whose relationships with close friends and family has been ruined by their tolerating of a rude partner’s attitude.

3. Relationships Are About Growth

Ideally a relationship should bring out the best in both partners. Both should learn from each other, and become better people for being in it. But this takes active participation — it doesn’t happen by accident. You are short-changing your partner –and yourself– by disregarding their disrespectful manner and way of handling issues. Neither of you grows, neither of you learns from your mistakes and becomes a person that others enjoy dealing with.

Have you ever had a rude partner or known someone with a rude partner? How did you deal with the situation (if you dealt with it)?

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15 thoughts on “Your Partner is a Jerk and Why You Should Care

  1. I agree with this 100%. How kind a person is over all is VERY IMPORTANT to me, and I don’t see myself loving someone who is rude beyond measure to others. I watch how the person I date treats everyone, and figure that how I will be treated when “the thrill is gone”.

  2. My husband is rude sometimes, and he does that because of fear. Not to mention he’s taught to be like this by his emotionally distant father and a vengeful grandmother.

    He’s usually rude to people if he thinks they’re trying to hurt me, even with their words.

    I don’t know what to do about this. Definitely not the best thing.

  3. Sherry,

    Cosign 1000 percent. Overall kindness >>> kindness to me.

    “I watch how the person I date treats everyone, and figure that how I will be treated when “the thrill is gone”.’

    Same. And make no mistake about it — it will be how you’re treated. I’ve made the mistake of thinking I was different, just like others have. Learning how wrong you are in thinking so can be a truly difficult experience.

    Mira,

    Yeah, your hubby seems a little mean. Just a little. 😉

    “He’s usually rude to people if he thinks they’re trying to hurt me, even with their words.”

    This is a good thing, if it’s not taken too far. Unfortunately a lot of people, and essentially all generally rude people take it too far. Then it becomes not so helpful, and starts becoming very harmful.

    Remember that article Grace posted about a guy being killed after being mistaken for someone who had an argument with another guy’s girlfriend in a grocery store. That’s an extreme example, but not too far from how abusive some people can get with their words and actions.

    “I don’t know what to do about this. Definitely not the best thing.”

    Maybe you could comment when you feel he’s going too far, and explain why you don’t think it’s the best thing to treat people that way.

  4. Sometimes he’s like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I think it’s not about him being mean, it’s more about being socially awkward. It’s like not knowing what to say and when. He’ll let people use him and is often scared to react the right way even if someone’s action requires you to say something. And then he’d go in the opposite direction and get mean at people for some reason.

    It’s like you’ve never properly learned how to socialize. I know I haven’t but he’s different in a way that he seems like one of those people who grew up as orphans and never learned some things, nor did they learn that people don’t always have the worst motives.

    It’s complicated, I guess. He’s better than he was when he met. But he still doesn’t have a problem to insult people who try to insult me, like that neighbor I talked you about, who basically came to him fishing for compliments for her daughter, trying to make my husband say he daughter is hot and prettier than me and that he’s with me just because I had a sick grandmother and was to get the flat when she dies. Yes, the neighbor actually said it, maybe not in those words, but that was the point. And he just looked at her and told her something like: “I think your daughter is ugly, she has horrible teeth just like you, I don’t care if she’s skinny, I like curvy women”. So the neighbor ran away.

  5. Mira,

    “Sometimes he’s like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.”

    Aren’t they all… But I say, when you can’t tell which a person is, assume the worst. Lol.

    “I think it’s not about him being mean, it’s more about being socially awkward.”

    Or his meanness is a result of social awkwardness.

    I would say that, even the most charismatic of rude partners (e.g. Spencer Pratt), have issues with accommodating themselves to social dynamics, especially when these dynamics aren’t running the smoothest. They’re often quite sensitive or easily offended and don’t understand where to draw the line.

    The situation you described with the neighbor is different though because she was rude first. It’s probably not the best response (think of the innocent here — the daughter who didn’t directly have anything to do with this conversation). But it doesn’t make a person generally rude if they match another’s rudeness. But again, most/all rude partner’s don’t match rudeness, they amp it up 5x or 10x, or more.

  6. I personally, always choose my friends/partners wisely.

    @Sherry ” I watch how the person I date treats everyone, and figure that how I will be treated when “the thrill is gone”.”….I agree with 100%

    I observe how someone treats his friends/mom/dad etc…and if his rude to them, his destiny with has been DECIDED. He’ll see me now and never again….

    I cannot understand people who are rude to others and there’s no excuse for it, especially to make themselves to look good or feel good or otherwise…..

  7. mkhululie,

    “I cannot understand people who are rude to others and there’s no excuse for it”

    I can understand it. Well, I can and can’t. I can’t understand why someone would take pleasure in hurting someone else, as in: Why? What’s the point? But I do understand the motives behind it.

    Grace,

    “Rudeness has it’s time and place.”

    Oh, does it? 🙂

  8. lol 🙂 @ Grace, I’d rather not comment about the makwere-kwere statement.

    @ Alee, the motives….terrifies the living life out of me.

    If I would be give a choice to run away from a hurry lion or from a hungry man for power……I’d rather be the Lion’s dinner(LOL)

    That’s a bit dramatic but not less true. Humans are dark, and dangerous…..

    I’d rather someone beat me up, because the external scars can be healed over time, with bio-oil or lotions(etc) or surgery, than to be to be internally bruised by the words of someone, because the internal scars are for keeps and they can change you, and you’ll never be the same……and “You’ll be wearing those scars for evryone to see”

  9. People don’t understand(they underestimate) the damage that words can do more than a fist…..my opinion……

  10. Well, I’ve lived in Hillbrow so I I’m allowed to say kwerekwere. I do not miss Hillbrow. I do not miss them at all.

    Anyhoo, Yes indeed Alee. Pick your moments in being rude. And being rude is subjective. There, just making a fuss is being rude.

  11. mkhululie,

    “If I would be give a choice to run away from a hurry lion or from a hungry man for power……I’d rather be the Lion’s dinner”

    Lol.

    “I’d rather someone beat me up, because the external scars can be healed over time…than to be to be internally bruised by the words of someone”

    I’d rather not either, but I agree that people underestimate the power their words have to harm. Words are rarely just words, and you’re right, a misplaced sentence here or there can haunt a person for a lifetime.

    Grace,

    I’m not talking about subjective misbehaving here, but clear, unmistakable, undeniable rudeness. Things that the majority of people across cultures will agree is rude.

  12. @ Alee,

    “I’m not talking about subjective misbehaving here, but clear, unmistakable, undeniable rudeness. Things that the majority of people across cultures will agree is rude.”

    I agree with you, some people know when someone is rude to them but rarely admit that they are/were rude. Even though some people may have no conscience, but when you are alone and do some introspection about a situation, you know when you were rude towards someone and you feel guilty about it. Rudeness may vary from culture to culture but I think most cultures, share some basics (similar) and standards or morals….

    and funny enough when you were rude to someone, you can’t(or I can’t) shake it off my mind until I apologise….

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