“I Have No Female Friends”, Part 2

woman-envyTo round up this month’s attempts by women to set back the Women’s Movement and themselves, this is an article response to another blogger’s thoughts on the original post “I Have No Female Friends”.

The response is entitled, Women Who Don’t Have Female Friends, and begins:

Earlier this week I found these blog posts about women who say they don’t have female friends. It reminded me of a discussion forum I found online some time ago with a similar discussion about women who say they don’t get along with women. In both cases, the discussion about these women was negative and full of assumptions about women who say these things.

After which the author proceeds to make countless negative statements and assumptions about women as a group, and numerous other amazing statements.

-“The majority of women don’t feel good about themselves.”

Besides that this is an overreaching statement, it is contradicting the entire post — to make a post deriding assumptions, then proceed to make your own.

It doesn’t seem to occur to the author, or she fails to mention, that her superior and belittling attitude towards women might be noticed by them, and disliked by them. If all people would believe that women don’t feel good about themselves, the author would find herself in a bad position.

-“I think saying men and women are not that different is PC bullschitt. Men and women are different, whether it’s because of society or biology or a mix. It’s fine to admit that.”

I think saying men and women are totally different is conservative and closed-minded. I would never say men and women do not have their differences but painting them as two sub-species is not something I’d ever do, and not something I’d expect from any intelligent and open-minded person. Experience and research tells me they aren’t nearly as different in their basic motivations as our brains would like to make them out to be.

To use the author’s own example, there are logical women and emotional men. A person’s outward behavior does not always or even usually reflect who inwardly are. Yes men and women are socialized differently, but those differences may affect only the social. Men lean toward the rational because that’s what’s accepted and expected of them, but their core personality may be quite different.

-“I feel good about who I am because I know I’m intelligent, talented, a good person and so on…the biggest thing with women, I’d say, is more than half of heterosexual ones strike me as not thinking they’re complete or good enough if they don’t have a man or a husband.”

The problem with this statement is that it is a judgment against women who have a strong desire for love, as if that is wrong. Everyone has something they wouldn’t feel complete without, and the love of a man doesn’t seem any worse than others. But whether it is wrong or not is not so important. What is glaring is that in a post about how judging other women is wrong, there is so much judging.

-“Personally, I’d love to find even just one woman who can talk football all day–I really would. Sure, there are women out there who like football. It’s not even unusual to find women who love football. I just simply have never known another woman who lives and breathes football”

The author needs an award because she loves football. Unlike every other woman on earth, she likes football, and that makes her truly unique.

It’s ironic that the author is in fact, feeding right into the original hypothesis that women who claim to have female friends feel that they are “special” and different from other women, and these differences make them better.

-“I understand that some of the women over at the blog link try to make a distinction between women who seem proud of not having female friends and other women who don’t have female friends, but it seems like a half-hearted attempt… As far as I read, they also failed to state or point out that saying you don’t have female friends sometimes is…well…simply a statement of fact.”

“As far as I read” would be the key statement here.

That “I have no female friends” is a statement of fact for a woman saying it was never in question, the question was why. Why do they make these statements and what sort of mindset do they have?

Judging from this response and the author’s own words, the author didn’t actually read the article or the comments following. This might have come in handy, in making stronger arguments against the original article; arguments that didn’t prove the point.

Note: All snark in this post was intentionally kept to a bare minimum

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13 thoughts on ““I Have No Female Friends”, Part 2

  1. Miss Alee,
    I value my fellow women and seek their company and guidance often. I can’t imagine my life without them.

  2. In my experience, women who claim not to have female friends think they are “speshul” for liking stereotypically male things (sports, SF/fantasy, computers, video games, etc.) In reality, there are many women who share the same interests, so it’s a) nothing special about a woman who likes football and b) not impossible to find females with same interests.

    What’s particularly troubling about many women who are proud of the lack of female friends is that they often use this as a “catch” to impress men. “Look at me, I’m not like those nagging, girly girls who don’t understand your interests! I am different! Pay attention to ME”. So in short, this whole “I’m not like other women” attitude is often used in very un-feminist way – to catch a man.

    A person who is truly devoted to her interests will always find people of all genders sharing her interests. I am a tomboy; most of my interests are not “girly” at all. I am your average geek (of the fantasy and science kind) and yet, most of my friends are women – women who share my interests. Seriously, now. It’s not difficult to find females who share interests that are not typically feminine. Their lack of female friends can’t be explained this way. Some other things are at play. Superior and misogynistic attitude might have something to do with it.

  3. Sherry,

    That’s always good to know. I would hope most people wouldn’t be biased against half of the world’s population…

    Mira,

    Yes, we mentioned this phenomenon in the original post and it seems to have escaped the author that she fits this description perfectly.

    ‘What’s particularly troubling about many women who are proud of the lack of female friends is that they often use this as a “catch” to impress men.’

    Oh, the author mentioned that she is a lesbian, so this does not apply to her.

    But I don’t see what being a lesbian has to do with anything…I’ve known many lesbians who look up to men/think of them as the superior gender because of ___ or ___ reason.

    “A person who is truly devoted to her interests will always find people of all genders sharing her interests.”

    Agreed. I like basketball, and though lots of women don’t, I have found women who also like it.

  4. I didn’t speak of the commenter specifically – I don’t even have idea who that was. I’m just saying that it happens more often than one might think. Not all women do it, of course, but it happens. Just like it happens that men make friends only with women they are attracted to. Not all men do it, but it definitely happens (at least in my culture).

    In any case, there’s nothing great about being proud of not having female friends. With these things, it’s not about them, it’s about you. You are the one who are not making that possible with your attitude, and often, this “no female friends” attitude is misogynistic.

    Hey, if I can find like-minded friend in a country with narrow gender norms, in which there are pretty strict standards on what makes a “true” feminine woman, I bet other people can do it, too!

    Nothing wrong with having male friends, nothing wrong with having more male friends – heck, nothing wrong about having only male friends. Hey, it happens. Maybe you were the only 5 kinds in your street so you grew up together. But it sure doesn’t make you “speshul”.

    I mean, seriously, playing video games or liking Star Trek or football or maths is not that rare for a girl.

  5. Mira,

    “I didn’t speak of the commenter specifically – I don’t even have idea who that was. I’m just saying that it happens more often than one might think.”

    Oh, I know. Just wanted to add that was the author’s “rebuttal” to that notion.

    “In any case, there’s nothing great about being proud of not having female friends.”

    It is interesting that the kind of people who write blog posts or comments about not having female friends usually seem either proud or have a “who cares” attitude. If the situation was so lamentable, as to write about it, you’d think the approach would be different.

  6. Well, in whole honesty, sometimes it’s ok to go “who cares” when you don’t know what else to do. I don’t have many male friends – or many friends, period, and yes, I’ve been trying so hard to get them. But I am just socially awkward. So I do sometimes go “ok, whatever, this is me” when it comes to this. But it’s not something to be proud of, or something to feel superior about. (Not having friends of a certain gender, I mean). And if this gender is yours, it’s even more troubling, for some reason. It’s like internalized misogyny. I know these words are harsh but I don’t know how else to put it.

  7. very interesting post, I am always hearing women say that. That they only hang around men, and they wear it like a badge of honor. Just like you talked about its almost as if they feel like they are better than other women because of it. Maybe its because by hanging out with men they feel like they have been exposed to information about male behavior that women who only hang with other women have no clue about. you know how people get when they learn info that others don’t know, they feel as if they are a part of an elite group. pure speculation here on my part

  8. One should not seek out a friend based upon said person’s sex or even gender, but rather they should approach others based on how compatible they are together as two human beings and whether not they have personalities that mesh well together.

  9. Alee, of course not. People just don’t put any effort into being human. A persons effort typically goes into being special, which typically means standing out from other people by fitting into a certain sub-group. So when people search for friends they usually look for people who they identify with on the surface rather than people they are truly compatible with. To find a person who meshes well with you, whether for friends or a relationship you have to look beyond the surface. Race, sex or gender shouldn’t be a factor the decision process. People don’t look beyond these surface qualities because they never think to even try.

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