Open Question: Porn in Relationships

rated-x

Is the use of pornography in relationships harmful or helpful? Do you, or have you ever, watched porn with a partner?

Opinions on pornography and its effects are nearly as diverse as the industry itself. The most common beliefs, however, are opposing: some believe that the personal and widespread of use porn has hinder healthy and satisfying ideas of the opposite gender and intimacy. While others believe that porn is at worst a neutral industry and the natural outcome of human beings’ most intrinsic need, and at best a useful outlet for sexual expression.

But do these opinions still apply when the viewing of pornographic images and videos becomes not a solo act but a mutual endeavor? What are the possible effects of porn on a couple and their relationship?

Some couples who have viewed porn together say that it has been beneficial to their relationship — increasing intimacy, helping them to understand the others’ desires, and preventing monotony and boredom in their private life. Of course this is only one view on the issue; perhaps those who haven’t found it to be helpful are less vocal about their experiences.

My personal thoughts on the subject are that porn, like any other tool, can be helpful or harmful depending on who is using it, and their personality and tendencies. For some, the common use of porn can prove to be disastrous, while others may find ways to channel it in positive avenues in their intimate life.

What are your thoughts on the matter?

Advertisements

35 thoughts on “Open Question: Porn in Relationships

  1. I don’t believe I like pornography very much. The fact that there is a pornographic industry and it turns sex and the human body into products to be sold for a profit bothers me some. I would prefer the depiction of human sexuality and the body to be more of an art form than something that is mass produced for consumption in the market place.

  2. My ex and I often watched porn together and it did help as an added stimulus, especially after we had our baby, because I was not feeling in the mood at all. Porn helped. What I found interesting though was how different we were in choosing porn. He preferred watching numerous women pleasing a man, while I was the oppositie, I wanted mfm scenarios.

    I still consume porn today, albeit not those free porn sites. I feel righteous inn buying my porn. A pay-per-view site I discovered all by my loneself!. I read the actors/actresses biology to make sure they’re legal (I know this is nnot sure proof, but it makes me feel better as some of those girls look mighty young), but like 300minutes and have access to whatever my taste required at that time. I’m hooked though on I/R porn. Some of those guys are actually really reallly nice with massive schlongs. Like Mr Pete. There’s another one, think he’s European though who only does porn with black girls. He’s soooooooooo dirty(in a good way) and the girls especially seem to enjoy him, or they’re very good actresses.

    Ok, I’ll finish there as I might get carried away and offend some….

  3. @Froggie

    Yet you watch it 🙂

    Hmm.. I do believe most men watch porn sometime. *Shrug* Nothing you can do about it. It’s better than actually being out there spreading their seed.

    Well. We got our vibrators and various toys.. What do men have? Last time I was in a sex shop I saw some special lube and plastic vajajays..
    I got no problem in porn being made as long as it’s adults. Still a porn star is not getting into my family.

  4. Froggie,

    Well, porn is what happens when you mix a liberal and/or capitalistic society with human desires!

    Can we blame the Democrats for this one? 😀

  5. Foosrock,

    Yes, I think men and women may vary on the kind of porn they like. Most porn is, unfortunately, geared towards men.

    I wonder how many IR couples like IR porn the best.

    Nkosazana,

    I don’t know what percentage of men watch porn; that would be something to look into.

    We have vibrators and men have…their hand. Of course. 😉

  6. Hi Alee also congrats on your recent nuptials. 😀 Now you ask about porn in relationships? Well my question would be what type of porn are we talking about? I’m asking because not all porn is created equal. For me and my bf I had a discussion with him about mainstream pornography which I have issues with it. When it comes to it, I’m more of an anti-porn feminist. The reason being is because mainstream porn has become violent. Quite a lot of porn that’s out there shows women being choked and gagged and the last thing I want to do is watch something with my bf and have him believe enjoy being choked and gagged.

    Luckily for him he understands my position that’s why when we do watch porn it’s more of niche type and it’s not where women are passive. So I guess my answer to your question is yes there’s porn in our relationship but it’s a certain type of porn.

  7. Nkosazana,

    That’s a start. But it just talks about whether men have seen porn, ever. I wouldn’t imagine there were many men who hadn’t seen porn in their entire lives!


    Hi RenKiss!

    What nuptials? I’m not married yet and I’m not trying to jinx it!

    “Well my question would be what type of porn are we talking about?”

    Any type. I know people vary widely on their taste in porn, so I just wanted to know how looking at porn together affected people’s relationship, whatever type of porn it may be.

    “mainstream porn has become violent. Quite a lot of porn that’s out there shows women being choked and gagged”

    Oh yes; this is true. The whiff of misogyny in some porn makes it hard to think of it as healthy or positive.

  8. My husband and I watch porn sometimes before having sex. I get jealous since I know that men watch porn because they want to bang the girl on screen and they just release it on their wife.

  9. Oho sorry about that. I mean congrats on your engagement. 😀

    Oh yes; this is true. The whiff of misogyny in some porn makes it hard to think of it as healthy or positive.

    Anyways. I just feel that couples should be cautious about the type of porn they’re bringing into their relationships. There was a study that came out recently that individuals who watch porn on a regular basis get bored and thus want to up the ante. That could explain why mainstream porn has gotten more violent over the years. Also even when you’re wanting something that’s not mainstream it’s basically treated more like a fetish. 😦

  10. Hi Louise, cute kitty!

    “My husband and I watch porn sometimes before having sex. I get jealous since I know that men watch porn because they want to bang the girl on screen and they just release it on their wife.”

    Hmmm…that’s a theory. Thinking that way probably would make most women not want to involve porn in their relationships, ever. In that way it would be more harmful than helpful to the relationship.

  11. RenKiss,

    “There was a study that came out recently that individuals who watch porn on a regular basis get bored and thus want to up the ante.”

    That’s interesting, and it makes a lot of sense. Kind of like how couples want to change up things in the bedroom so things don’t grow stale…of course that could include introducing porn.

    “I just feel that couples should be cautious about the type of porn they’re bringing into their relationships.”

    That’s probably a good idea. I mean, if you start out with whips and chains, one can only imagine what you’d progress to. 🙂

  12. It’s good in theory, but only as long as you like the same kind of porn. I can’t stand most of the common stuff (hairy overweight men being harsh towards skinny women during sex) so it’s not a turn on for me at all. Lesbian porn… Well, it’s a hit or a miss, depending on how good actresses are. Look, I like breaking of the 4th wall in movies, but not in porn. I HATE when actresses look at a camera while they’re supposed to be all invested into having sex with each other. It just seems fake.

    I like a bit of man on man action but my husband is not into it at all. Oh, well.

  13. Mira,

    “I can’t stand most of the common stuff (hairy overweight men being harsh towards skinny women during sex)”

    …Lol! Now that I think about it, that does comprise a good chunk of most mainstream porn.

    “It’s good in theory, but only as long as you like the same kind of porn.”

    Very good point. Hopefully there could be some sort of compromise?

  14. It’s good in theory, but only as long as you like the same kind of porn. I can’t stand most of the common stuff (hairy overweight men being harsh towards skinny women during sex) so it’s not a turn on for me at all.

    Same here. Hence the problem with mainstream porn, it’s by men and thus aimed at men. Many women would be more open to porn if there were just more good looking men in them. 😀 Also most of it is just the man pounding the woman like her vagina is some slab of meat that needs to be tenderized. -___-

    I like a bit of man on man action but my husband is not into it at all. Oh, well.

    Haha…I’m the same way. I also like bisexual porn which seems mostly comprised of m/m/f threesomes. O__O Which I think is kind of strange.

  15. There is porn marketed to women, directed & produced by women. Rumor has it it’s really good but I’ve never watched one. Now I’m intrigued!

    There’s this bad misconception that women are not visual. It all depends on the person if you ask me, but I bet the reason women don’t like porn as much as men do is because most of it is not made for them and doesn’t take their needs and fantasies into account.

    The common alternative is erotic literature. Allegedly, women like the written word more than mere visual porn. As popularity of slash fanfiction proves, it might be true – women (especially teen girls) enjoy reading about gay sex.

    But as much as I like steamy literature, I’m all for visual stimulation. The trouble is the quality and fantasies they represent. Without going into a feminist rant, mainstream porn is so obviously NOT made with female viewers in mind so it’s obvious women wouldn’t like it.

    I am glad to hear there’s quality/respectful IR porn, but that’s another genre I think is deeply flawed/offensive. Again, the mainstream stuff is racist & sexist at the same time. It’s not surprising, since it’s made with white male viewers in mind.

    I might be over-analyzing this, but I do think underlying messages and target audience are really easy to spot with porn. It’s more difficult (thought not always) to see this with regular (non-pornographic) movies. So porn is very easy to read, in a way.

    Haha…I’m the same way. I also like bisexual porn which seems mostly comprised of m/m/f threesomes. O__O Which I think is kind of strange.

    I’m not sure I really like bisexual porn… I just like to see hot men kissing and touching. I’m not that into gay sex, more softcore stuff. Maybe oral? Oh, I don’t know. I just think two men kissing it mighty hot. 😉

  16. thanks. i love cats and kitties. well, it’s only a theory, you’re right. i think i’ll be watching this blog more. interesting posts you’ve got

  17. There is porn marketed to women, directed & produced by women. Rumor has it it’s really good but I’ve never watched one. Now I’m intrigued!

    That’s true. There’s even feminist porn out there. Erika Lust is a primary example. My bf and I watched a couple of her films and we both enjoyed it. My bf even went on about how it shows both men and women enjoying each other equally.

    The common alternative is erotic literature. Allegedly, women like the written word more than mere visual porn. As popularity of slash fanfiction proves, it might be true – women (especially teen girls) enjoy reading about gay sex.

    As a yaoi (google that if you don’t know what it means :D) fangirl there’s quite a lot of truth to this. There are still quite a lot of theories out there as to why some women like reading about gay sex, but for some odd reason those theories never include that women just like guy on guy action. *shrugs*

    I am glad to hear there’s quality/respectful IR porn, but that’s another genre I think is deeply flawed/offensive. Again, the mainstream stuff is racist & sexist at the same time. It’s not surprising, since it’s made with white male viewers in mind.

    There certainly is. Though if you want it you really gotta go out and look for it. At least that’s been my experience.

  18. There may be many reasons why some women like gay porn or man to man action, but to me it’s pretty simple. I like men, I like male body, so… the more, the merrier?

  19. I’m with Mira (perhaps we should get together and watch it?). I love man on man. So hot. But please, no feminine looking guys. Ironically, can’t stand female on female or even FMF porn, as, it’s my fantasy, so therefore the visual should be of only one female(moi) being done.

  20. RenKiss,

    “Also most of it is just the man pounding the woman like her vagina is some slab of meat that needs to be tenderized. -___-“

    That sounds almost as terrible as it looks!

    “There’s even feminist porn out there. Erika Lust is a primary example.”

    Intriguing! I’m definitely going to look into this…might be great for a post. Does she do online stuff or is it all offline video?

    Mira,

    “I might be over-analyzing this, but I do think underlying messages and target audience are really easy to spot with porn.”

    I think so too.

    Nkosazana,

    “Ok this is taking a turn into the nasty..Gay porn? Lesbian porn?.. eish. Whatever floats you peoples boat :)”

    Yes. 🙂

    I don’t find M-M intriguing, but that’s fine. I’m sure not everyone shares my particular tastes either.

  21. I came to your site after a google search on avoidant attachment style, which describes my husband.

    Porn’s been a problem in our marriage. Since day 1 of our relationship, he’s strongly preferred porn, phone sex, online sex chats, to intimacy with me. (You can probably guess I put up with this because i’m an anxious type).

    I used to blame the porn and sex culture. Now I see it is, unfortunately, a medium ripe for leverage by those who see sex as functional and will avoid intimacy at all costs.

    I’ve also read some speculation that for avoidants, porn appears to provide what they subconsciously seek: immediate acceptance and security. Porn feels “safe.” The women are always predictably there, “wanting” you, asking nothing in return. It allows an avoidant an intimate, though arguably artificial, experience with no risk. It may also allow them to continue to avoid pain. They will justify the use by stating that sex is just functional for them, and a partner shouldn’t take it personally.

    For those female partners facing this pain, I want to share that your body, looks, etc are really not in play here. This is an issue for avoidants that would exist if you looked like Cindy Crawford.

  22. Intriguing! I’m definitely going to look into this…might be great for a post. Does she do online stuff or is it all offline video?

    She mostly does offline stuff. Though you can probably find her movies and download them.

    Does anyone else like MFA porn?

    What’s M FA porn?

  23. I’m glad you asked this. I always love to introduce people to the world of MFA porn. It stands for Male-Female-Alien. It actually is shot in such locations as Area 51.

  24. What sex would the Alien be, Froggie?. Would the Alien look like, ET?. If so, not my taste. But if it looks like, say, Ryan Gossling, would be tempted to watch….

    Nko, didn’t you once write a post about having anal sex with your hubby?. Why then would you find M/M or F/F sex nasty?.

  25. Kwakwakwa. It’s not like I care about what porn y’all watch, I’m not watching it with you. I just said my opinion. Alee did not find it intriguing as well.

  26. Foosrock!, the Alien has the ability to change its gender as well as morph its sexual organs at will. It can go from having a male organ to female organ. The best part is it can have a male and female organ simultaneously.

  27. Yes, but does she/he looks like Ryan Gossling? I think that’s the most important information we need to know. (Though I can name at least 5 male celebs I find hotter than him).

  28. Thanks, RenKiss!

    Hi Aniston, welcome.

    You’ve touched on an important issue: if porn is already an issue for an individual, it probably wouldn’t be best to introduce it into the relationship.

    “I’ve also read some speculation that for avoidants, porn appears to provide what they subconsciously seek: immediate acceptance and security.”

    Yes, it can definitely be away to avoid true intimacy.

    @others,

    Ryan Gosling is not the hottest!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s