The secure partner in relationship attachment science is a partner who is comfortable with closeness and intimacy in relationships and is usually consistent in their feelings and actions concerning their relationship. A person with a secure attachment style may not be the most “exciting”, but their straightforward and open manner creates a comfortable atmosphere and is an asset to the health and stability of a relationship.
Secure partner are luckily fairly common in the population — one out of every two people has a secure relationship style. The bad news is that people with a secure style tend to find a partner early on and stay with them for a long time. So if you’re dating it may not be easy to find them. There are some out there though, and you may even be in a relationship with one. Here are some signs of a potential secure partner that you may want to look out for:
1. Discusses plans and makes decisions with you
The partner with a secure attachment style will rarely make important decisions about the relationship by themselves. Instead they wait and ask for your input, and make decisions that take your views into account.
2. Doesn’t believe relationships are hard work
Secure partners tend to be satisfied with their relationships, even during rough times. They don’t dwell on small problems or talk about how difficult relationships are. They are open to starting a relationship even when their life circumstances or potential partner aren’t “perfect”.
3. Trustworthy and reliable
When a person with a secure relationship style says they will do something for you, the chances are that they will. If they can’t follow through on a promise or plan they made, they will explain why, usually in advance.
In disagreements secure partners like to reach compromise. They are less concerned with proving themselves right (and you wrong) than they are with understanding your point of view and coming to a mutually satisfying agreement.
5. Comfortable with commitment and intimacy
Secure partners don’t mind the closeness created by a long-term relationship. They don’t worry that you’re cutting down on their freedom or trying to trap them (as an avoidant partner might) or that you might find them inadequate or reject them (as an anxious partner might).
6. Effectively communicates
Partners with a secure relationship style share their feelings and opinion in a clear and straightforward way. They don’t expect you to guess what they are feeling or create a scene to get your attention. They are also clear about where the relationship is headed.
7. Flexible and open to adjustment
Secure partners aren’t looking for a certain kind of partner or relationship. They have a few basic requirements but they are open to various people and arrangements. In addition, they aren’t threatened by criticism and are willing to reconsider their actions.
The secure partner is not perfect — they have their flaws like everyone does. But a secure partner not only helps to create a healthy relationship but works to keep it that way for the long term.
Do you or your partner have a secure attachment style?