Advise Alee: Where From Here?

advice

You may have noticed I am back to my wordpress.com blog address. This is because AJ, my ex-boyfriend and the person who was hosting me at the .com address decided to pull the plug on my blog there. Hence the last post and any comments posted since last Thursday are gone.

There were much words exchanged between myself, him, and another party behind the scenes. Details of which I won’t go into here. Suffice it to say, we are not on good terms right now, and might never be again. I don’t take it lightly that he decided to cancel my blog without informing me.

So I turn it over to you, the readers and commenters of this blog. What should I do with this blog? To be honest, I am not in the right frame of mind to continue blogging at the current time. So much has happened in the last month that I wasn’t prepared for. But when I began this blog I dedicated myself to updating it regularly, and I owe that to you, the readers and commenters.

Should I take a break for a time? Or would you like me to continue blogging on a (semi-)regular schedule? It is up to you.

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54 thoughts on “Advise Alee: Where From Here?

  1. “To be honest, I am not in the right frame of mind to continue blogging at the current time.”

    This resonated more with me. I will totally support you if you decide to stop now and continue at another time when you are more clear.

    Really really really really sorry to hear about this “fight” you have with your ex. I believe strongly in leaving in good energy and hope you’d both find the thought to do so. Negative energy follows…….

  2. foosrock,

    Thanks.

    I just don’t know. I don’t want the blog to die, but at the same time I need space. On the other hand, space is the last thing I need, because all I will think about is this situation and it will drive me crazy. I had almost no sleep last night thinking about this.

    I’m just upset right now. I never thought that he would do something like this to me. He was always the one that protected me, not hurt me.

    But I know my being upset is what he wants. He wants to make me feel terrible and torture me; I am not exaggerating. He wants to bring my whole life down and is using the means he has to do that. Why does he want to do this? I don’t know. I never did much to him. We had a few arguments, words were exchanged and maybe I said a few hurtful things. But that’s how relationships and break-ups go. He’s being cold-blooded.

  3. On this:

    ‘I believe strongly in leaving in good energy and hope you’d both find the thought to do so. Negative energy follows…’

    I do too. I really do.

    I’m trying not to think negatively about him because I’m a positive person. I truly still care about him. After all we were together for years, and feelings just don’t disappear the minute you say “it’s over.” (Well, at least not mine. Apparently, his has disappeared.) But it’s becoming more and more difficult by the day. I mean, he is being an absolute jerk. He’s going to cancel my blog on a whim, really? I want him to get what he deserves. And he doesn’t deserve anything nice. The situation is escalating and in the end it might not be so great.

  4. Oh I hate to read this… I really like your blog and I check it whenever I’m at the computer, but if you need a break it’s what you have to take for your own sake.

    I will be sad to see you go but if you think that’s what’s best for you then do so. I’m with foosrock, I support you in whatever you want to do.

    Really petty of him to just “pull” the plug on your blog after setting you up with it. Thats not how a man is suppose to act.

  5. I like this blog and I’m starting to come here more regularly, as it’s become one of my faves.

    That being said, you have to take care of yourself first. I want you to do what’s best for you, and if that means taking a break from the blog, do so. You don’t owe any of us anything and I appreciate you providing a free space for us to chat.

    However, if you find that keeping the blog up helps you maintain your sanity, by all means, keep it going! 🙂

    I hate when things have to get ugly like this… I wish people could remain friends when they break up, but I find that rarely happens. Breakups certainly bring out the worst in people and you wonder what the heck happened!

    (I’m mad all my matchmaking advice disappeared too. Phooey.)

  6. Nkosazana,

    Thanks for your support.

    ‘Really petty of him to just “pull” the plug on your blog after setting you up with it. Thats not how a man is suppose to act.’

    Right. I won’t even say he’s not a man, because until recently he always was, in his own quiet way. But this is just despicable. I even apologized for what I said to him when I was angry. I was trying to make peace with him. But he decided that he was going to make war with me.

    “And it sounds like hes being a grade A jerk towards you”

    Ugh, Grade A+ !

    I won’t even think about how heartless he is being, because I’ve done enough of that. I won’t even think about how all I ever did was be kind to him, and he turns around and backhands me like he has for the past month.

  7. Bunny,

    Thanks so much.

    I will have to see in a few days how I’m feeling. If I feel up to blogging, I might just continue. I don’t stay down for long, but there is a knot in my stomach that hasn’t gone away since the beginning of our break-up and it’s getting tighter and tighter. We’ll see if it loosens.

    “Breakups certainly bring out the worst in people and you wonder what the heck happened!”

    Very true. Every break-up for me is terrible. Even 50 Cent’s twin that I mentioned yesterday tried to spread rumors about me after I broke up with him.

    “(I’m mad all my matchmaking advice disappeared too. Phooey.)”

    I’m quite annoyed that everyone’s content was removed. That’s the worse part about this. If he was going to pull the blog then he shouldn’t have fixed it up for me and allowed me to move; I could have just stayed here.

  8. I’m quite annoyed that everyone’s content was removed

    Oh yes :/

    Jasmin never got to see that I complimented her and how she would be a man magnet here in Sweden..

  9. Nkosazana, she might have. Or Z did, and can tell her. There is a three hour time difference between where I am and where she and Z are, but she was at work before the blog was taken down. We’ll find out when she gets here.

    And where are all the lurkers to comment? I know you are out there lurkers… feel free to comment; this is the time. I’ll be (more) hurt if you don’t.

  10. And where are all the lurkers to comment?

    Come out and give Alee some support!

    Oh you would be a man magnet here as well Alee, if you anything like I picture you 😉

    Do you get those weird facebook hits? i get like 6-8 of those each day. Weird since I don’t even use facebook…

  11. Nkosazana,

    I know I would be a man magnet in Sweden: I’m a man magnet here. LOL.

    But I’m honestly not looking for a guy. For a good while.

    I do get a lot of random guys “poking”, friending, and messaging me on Facebook. It’s turning into Myspace. (I was never on Myspace, it seemed too childish.) I only go on Facebook twice a month or so, but I always have to delete them when I get there.

    …Well, the upside of this is that I can only go up from here. It just can’t get much worse: I’ve already gotten it all from AJ. I won’t tell you all the details because I don’t want you guys to completely hate him. But it’s enough to say that he gutted me like a halibut. Nothing any guy can do in the future will hurt me like this did. So I can only get better.

  12. Hi Alee,
    As you know, I am new around here. A first off ((((hugs))) from me to you. I know very much what you are going through right now. I am going to give you some advice. Do what you will with it!
    1. Take a break from blogging if you feel like it! However, make a specific time frame like, I will take a break for one month and hold yourself to that time.
    2. It’s fine to feel miserable but give yourself a time frame. (I seem to like time frames eh? :)) Take a week, feel miserable, stay in bed, eat ice cream, curse him out, go over the relationship in your head, talk to your girlfriends,find out what lessons you learned from all of this. Write a letter to him and say everything you ever wanted to say to him and then burn it. When the week is up, get up, brush yourself off and don’t allow another human being to hold you back from living your life one minute longer. Plan some fun things to do, like go shopping, start back your blogging, go to the gym (exercise increases your serotonin levels), look in the mirror and know you are a beautiful person inside and out.
    Good Luck and know that your friends here are rutting for you!

  13. You know, I thought about this a little bit, between pretending to work: You should totally continue to blog. That’d show him! And have fun doing it too. So let’s talk about men men men, sex sex sex, shoes, perfumes, hair, skin……
    Before you come back to blogging though, I’d suggest getting good and sloshed, having a cry, read a romance by Billy London (she’s got two out so far and they’re hilarious!!!!!) and move on with good thoughts……….

    I want to send you some Swiss chocolates, so will need to know what State you’re in as they http://www.teuscher.com only delivers to certain States…..

  14. I just woke up. :-/

    Yea, I didn’t know about any of this until Z mentioned it to me (he was up late last night, so I think he saw some of it). As Alee said, we’re on the West Coast, and I work late, so there’s usually no activity by around 4 or so my time. I even stayed late and didn’t check because I figured there’d be nothing new.

    Jasmin never got to see that I complimented her and how she would be a man magnet here in Sweden..

    I missed that! Now I know where Z and I should vacation next year… 😉

    Ugh, I have a 3-hour work meeting (and it’s far too). So I won’t be back until later this afternoon.

  15. Hi Sandy. Welcome (again, I had to clear your comment since your first one was on the now defunct .com blog).

    Thanks for your support: I truly appreciate it.

    I like your time frames. I will definitely look into that. I have felt miserable though — for the past four weeks, in my downtime. My bed is saying, “Stop crying on me, already! Sheesh!” And no one knows how hard and long I’ve thought about what went wrong in the relationship.

    I have life obligations though, and life stops for no one. Not even broken-hearted biologist bloggers like me. I haven’t been very productive in my work and I don’t want it to come back to bite me. I might look into your time frame though, with a modifier — I’ll do all of that for a month, after I’ve finished my tasks for the day. 🙂

  16. foosrock,

    “You know, I thought about this a little bit, between pretending to work: You should totally continue to blog. That’d show him!”

    That’s what I was thinking. But I can’t concentrate while thinking about this situation. I probably won’t have anything new for a day or two, at the very least.

    “Before you come back to blogging though, I’d suggest getting good and sloshed, having a cry, read a romance by Billy London (she’s got two out so far and they’re hilarious!!!!!) and move on with good thoughts”

    Romance? Sounds good, but it’s probably not what I need. I mean, happy couples? Gross. 😉

    Crying? Been there, done that, got the t-shirt in S, M, L, XL, XXL…

    Truly, crying makes me feel even more miserable. But you’re right that I’m due for one long good one, then it’s onward.

    “I want to send you some Swiss chocolates, so will need to know what State you’re in as they http://www.teuscher.com only delivers to certain States…”

    Oh, you don’t have to… anyway, they don’t have my state there, if those are the only states they deliver to.

  17. I missed that! Now I know where Z and I should vacation next year… 😉

    Oh you don’t know the half of it. I read a lot of different blogs and one of the girls on them says she like to go to the most upper scale clubs in Stockholm just to boost her ego by being the center of attention of men by being often the only black girl there lol. .

  18. Hi ladies,

    So before I rush off to work (I’m the designated closer already) I’ll leave my take on the recent developments.

    1st, I think it’s obvious to everyone — including AJ — that Alee is not being treated right in this break-up. I mean, you don’t just dump someone like a sack of cold potatoes after a years+ long relationship. You might think you can, but it’s never that simple. If nothing else, unless the person cheated, or did Something Really Bad, you owe them the courtesy of advanced notice. It’s called, “how not to be a total douchebag.”

    2nd, I saw that the blog had been taken down, and honestly it surprised me that he’d do something so public and embarrassing… and childish. It’s my feeling that someone is helping him to feel okay about doing these things…

    3rd, if your ex is making it apparent that he wants nothing to do with you, then the only course of action for you is to get you some ribs, some ice cream, and just forget about his ass because you can’t stop someone once they’ve gotten themselves set to do something. And frankly speaking, why should you (or anyone) need to convince their SO that they SHOULD apologize, come back, etc etc?? It’s not your job to be your own personal saleswoman and somehow “trick” him back to being your boyfriend. (I’ve been there. Done that.)

    4th, I personally know of only two ways to get someone back: a bunch of hot sex OR, waiting around for them to realize they made a REALLY big mistake. (Usually because their other options didn’t pan out.) The former isn’t an option because you’re too good for that Alee, and if the latter happens, it only means the break-up was a good thing because now you’ve seen his True Colors. People always try to reel their exes back in after rebounds fall off, and it bothers me a lot because I’ve been on BOTH ends of that equation.

    5th… Well, let me stop with the numbers, haha.

    Seriously, AJ IS being a d-bag, and obviously you deserve(d) better treatment than this. Even if he has legitimate grievances for terminating the relationship. That said, wasting your time trying to rationalize, or equivocate, or somehow put a smiley face on the situation isn’t going to help, especially if you’re thinking that he might come back. That’s a dangerous line of thought, and always torturous. (Trust me. I know.)

    What you should do, in my opinion, is take some time to think objectively (or as objectively as you can) about the relationship. Get some pros and cons. Think about the last times you were intimate. Dig deep and ask yourself, “was I happy or was I just getting by?” “Was this a good relationship, or was it just okay?” And even more importantly, think about if you’d be happy, if you could live with it if ya’ll got back together after all the ish that’s been said and done. Could you? Most of the time we want to say yes, but the reality is no. Some things are irrevocable.

    In the meanwhile, YES keep blogging! Writing has been my personal savior on more than a million occasions. It’s not all publishable, but it was all helpful. It allowed me to vent, to take myself outside of my pain, look at it, understand it, and finally accept it. Writing is catharsis, and that’s the truth.

    Plus, I enjoy your posts! =)

    But also, I think it’d be a form of giving in to the wrong that AJ’s done to you to give up writing, to stop doing things you enjoyed before just because he’s decided to up and go without so much as a “thanks for all the memories”.

    Sorry, I guess I’m starting to rant a little bit, but I’ve been in situations similar to yours and I feel very strongly that people deserve to be treated with respect, even in the worst times, even while breaking up, even when everything’s going to hell.

    Anyhoo, keep your head up, eat a lot, sleep a lot, write EVERY DAY! And little by little you’ll pull the pieces of yourself back together into a much stronger, and much more beautiful whole. This I know =)

  19. Hi Alee,

    Sorry to hear about your break-up and I truly wish you the best going forward. As for the blog, I think you should do what’s best for you right now, even if that means taking some time off of posting less frequently. I frequent a particular interracial blog where the posts are infrequent perhaps one a month or so, often it’s less than that. But I keep checking for updated posts because she (the other blogger) like you are level headed people and you all write posts that come from a rational point of view. My point is that if you decide to take a break or write less frequently I think you will have a waiting audience to cheer you on upon your return. All the best Alee!

  20. Hey Z. Welcome. 😀

    *hugs*

    Okay, I’m going to split this into two comments.

    Part 1

    “1st, I think it’s obvious to everyone — including AJ — that Alee is not being treated right in this break-up.”

    Since you know a little more about this situation than others here, I’d like to say: I hope so. But I just don’t know if he does see that. He somehow thinks I deserve this, because I’m “manipulative, uber self-centered, uptight” — and those are the relatively calmer things. Now you all know.

    “I mean, you don’t just dump someone like a sack of cold potatoes after a years+ long relationship… you owe them the courtesy of advanced notice. It’s called, “how not to be a total douchebag.”

    I think you already know that he said that he did give me advance warning. But I think you also already know that he is never really direct with his points, and basically skirts around issues. He apparently thinks I’m the relationship expert and should be able to just get things, even when he’s acting like everything’s fine. Okay.

    “2nd, I saw that the blog had been taken down, and honestly it surprised me that he’d do something so public and embarrassing… and childish.”

    Indeed, indeed. But like I said, he’s trying to make me feel low.

    “It’s my feeling that someone is helping him to feel okay about doing these things…”

    Your feeling is right. Very right.

    “3rd, if your ex is making it apparent that he wants nothing to do with you, then the only course of action for you is to get you some ribs, some ice cream, and just forget about his ass because you can’t stop someone once they’ve gotten themselves set to do something.”

    You’re right. And really, my contacts with him were spurred by just wanting to know why (or about business we were working on together before the break, like my blog). I didn’t understand what happened. But I will not be contacting him again anytime soon, if ever.

  21. Part 2

    “4th, I personally know of only two ways to get someone back: a bunch of hot sex OR, waiting around for them to realize they made a REALLY big mistake.”

    Lol at the former. Yeah… not going to happen. 🙂

    The latter will come in time. In fact, I think it will take a couple of weeks at best for him to realize. He’ll know deep inside that the past few days’ treatment, especially, were so unnecessary. But he’ll never admit to me that he was wrong.

    “if the latter happens, it only means the break-up was a good thing because now you’ve seen his True Colors.”

    Yes. But maybe someone should slap me because if he were truly sorry and asked to be back on good terms with me, I would oblige.

    “wasting your time trying to rationalize, or equivocate, or somehow put a smiley face on the situation isn’t going to help”

    Oh, now you’re just going in on me. 🙂

    I do a lot of rationalizing and smiley faces, but no equivocating. And I only do that because I’m a private person and like to keep most of my personal info to myself. This is one of those rare times I will let others in on how I feel about things, and I’m already uncomfortable doing it.

    But when I’m alone, there are no smiley faces and (less) rationalizing. You have to understand though that we’re both extremely protective of the other, and don’t want to hurt each other, even unintentionally. At least, I do. He used to, but not anymore.

    I mean, Zek, it’s AJ. That’s my baby (or used to be…). I’m not going to be all, “F*ck you, a**hole”…Actually, I think I said just that during an argument — oops. But I understand your point.

    “What you should do, in my opinion, is take some time to think objectively (or as objectively as you can) about the relationship. Get some pros and cons.”

    Good idea.

    “think about if you’d be happy, if you could live with it if ya’ll got back together after all the ish that’s been said and done. Could you? Most of the time we want to say yes, but the reality is no. Some things are irrevocable.”

    Our time together was good. Bumpy and a little intense. But good.

    But I don’t know the answer to that question. I always forgive, but I have a long memory. Depending on how he behaves going forward though, I could try to live with it if we were back together. I’m unsure about that, however, since I haven’t been in this situation before.

    …Okay, don’t slap me. I told you I’m not thinking clearly. 🙂

    ‘But also, I think it’d be a form of giving in to the wrong that AJ’s done to you to give up writing, to stop doing things you enjoyed before just because he’s decided to up and go without so much as a “thanks for all the memories”.’

    Oh, I got the “thanks for the memories”, in different terms. But that’s it.

    And you’re right that I should continue writing, even if not posting. I’m glad you like my posts. I didn’t know that, since you’ve been MIA.

    “I feel very strongly that people deserve to be treated with respect, even in the worst times, even while breaking up, even when everything’s going to hell.”

    Absolutely. And I felt that I didn’t treat him with respect in the beginning of the situation, so I apologized. But what do you know, once I did, he got worse…

    “keep your head up, eat a lot, sleep a lot, write EVERY DAY!”

    Eating and sleeping… haven’t been doing a lot of that. But I’ll try. And writing every day, yes.

    Back to this:

    “Seriously, AJ IS being a d-bag, and obviously you deserve(d) better treatment than this.”

    I wonder how he feels about that. His two favorite people, Jasmin and Zek, thinking he’s a douchebag. He will probably read this, eventually. It’s going to be a bitter pill.

    Thanks for all your support, Z. 🙂

  22. Hello, Sorelle. I’m glad to see you. 🙂

    “I frequent a particular interracial blog where the posts are infrequent perhaps one a month or so, often it’s less than that.”

    Once a month posting? No, I couldn’t do that. Maybe if my posts were very long and involved.

    “But I keep checking for updated posts because she (the other blogger) like you are level headed people and you all write posts that come from a rational point of view.”

    Why, thank you. Although I’m not being very level-headed at the moment, I don’t think.

    “My point is that if you decide to take a break or write less frequently I think you will have a waiting audience to cheer you on upon your return.”

    That would be really nice, and mean a lot to me. But I don’t think I’m that popular; my blog hasn’t been around as long. However, even if just a few of my friends were here, that would mean a lot to me.

    “All the best Alee!”

    Thanks so much, Sorelle, your comment was uplifting. 🙂

    *high fives*

  23. Aw, my boo is the best pick-me-up ever. (And I had no idea he was really going to break it down in the comments :-P)

    *Jasmin Reality Moment* (Thanks, Alee)
    Yes AJ (I know your reading when OG doesn’t have your balls in a vise), you are officially on Jasmin and Z’s no-list, right next to his crazy ex-military friend and the ho in the orange sweater who tried to flirt with him once when I was sitting right there. That means you automatically warrant a side-eye if we see you in the street, and we have to make a little “humph” noise after you walk by. I hope you choke on that bitter pill (OK, not really, but if you get a little water caught in your windpipe and start sputtering, I won’t be upset).

  24. Hi Alee,
    I am a first time reader of your blog but I have noticed your comments on other blogs. I am reallly sorry about the end of your relationship. I know the pain can be really intense (speaking from my own experience) but you will pull through it. Do whatever you feel necessary to make yourself feel better and healthier. I know this may sound trite but, time heals all wounds. Time also allow you to get some perspective.
    I wish you a speedy recovery.

  25. Jasmin,

    “Aw, my boo is the best pick-me-up ever. (And I had no idea he was really going to break it down in the comments 😛 )”

    Yeah… we’re going to have to talk about that. *looks at Z*

    “*Jasmin Reality Moment* (Thanks, Alee)”

    But it doesn’t rhyme! I like rhyming things. I’ll think of a good one for you.

    “Yes AJ (I know your reading when OG doesn’t have your balls in a vise)”

    Yikes!

    But seriously, you just might see him around — he’s in your neck of the woods at the moment.

  26. Nkosazana,

    No, actually, we’re not. He just likes them a lot. For reasons I’m yet to figure out.

    foosrock,

    IRL = In Real Life.

  27. Hi SS,

    Thanks for your understanding and support.

    “I know this may sound trite but, time heals all wounds.”

    It’s true… sort of. At the very least, the wound won’t be fresh.

    “Time also allow you to get some perspective.”

    Definitely. That’s what I’m hoping for. Some perspective. Things are becoming clearer to me, and I’m feeling slightly better already.

    “I wish you a speedy recovery.”

    Thanks so much, SS.

    Stop by any time in the future. 🙂

  28. Alee,

    I wouldn’t know him if I tripped over him in the street, but that would be…interesting to say the least. It’s possible, but not probable.

  29. Oh, my. I was offline for a day (the company pulled the plug because of the bills… crap), and I was unaware of the whole hassle. I did try to visit the domain yesterday (while the Internet was still working) and I got bombarded with bunch of ads. I knew it wasn’t a good sign.

    As far as I know, only one of my messages was lost: the one where I admit physical attraction is very important for a partner and that my husband is generally considered more attractive than I am. That was the whole content of the post, so I wasn’t personally affected as much. But I’m sorry I missed the matchmaking comments! 😉

    As for the present situation, I don’t know what to say, Alee. Personally, blog would be the last thing on my mind. After all, we (online readers and acquaintances) are important :D, but not as important. On the other hand, blogging might help you feel better, or maybe it can take your thoughts for so you don’t have to think about the unpleasant things (at least for a moment). So I guess it’s up to you.

    I sure like your blog, but it shouldn’t feel like a chore to you. But if it helps you, go for it.

    I don’t know what else to say (at least publicly).

  30. Hi Mira. I was wondering where you ran off to.

    I didn’t see that comment from you. Your husband is attractive, but so are you. I think it might be different if you two lived in another country.

    “I sure like your blog, but it shouldn’t feel like a chore to you. But if it helps you, go for it.”

    It’s not really a chore; I like writing and I like posting. But not when I’m not feeling entirely well.

    But I’ve been feeling better, so I might be back later this week or early next week. Probably the latter.

    “I don’t know what else to say (at least publicly).”

    If you have anything else to say, but don’t want to say it in public, you can send me an email: aloftyexistence at gmail dot com. That goes for everyone, and anything.

  31. Hi Mira. I was wondering where you ran off to.

    And they did it without any notice! It just… zip. No Internet! So I just had to accept the fact that I am, sadly, addicted to Net. It’s not that I can’t function without it, but it’s also true I didn’t want to wait till next month to get the Internet back. Oh well.

    I didn’t see that comment from you. Your husband is attractive, but so are you. I think it might be different if you two lived in another country.

    By all means, yes. I think I wrote something “he is considered to be more attractive”. He doesn’t think he is, though.

    It’s not really a chore; I like writing and I like posting. But not when I’m not feeling entirely well.

    I know the feeling. Just take your time. 🙂

    If you have anything else to say, but don’t want to say it in public, you can send me an email: aloftyexistence at gmail dot com. That goes for everyone, and anything.

    Yes, I was thinking of sending an email. 🙂

  32. Alee,

    Yeah I’ve been running around like a little chicken with my head cut off, got two jobs plus school plus side-projects plus The Girlfriend, plus… sleep. Oy vey. But I’m not MIA, just lurking and reading.

    I’ll try commenting more though =)

  33. Z,

    “I’ve been running around like a little chicken with my head cut off”

    Lol! Great visual. You know, you do have skinny little legs (not that there is anything wrong with that). 🙂

    I look forward to your comments.

  34. Woooooohoooooooooooooo!. Way to go, lady!!!!!!!!!!!!.
    Am off to The Clouds though. You’ve got me confused…….

  35. foosrock,

    “Am off to The Clouds though. You’ve got me confused…”

    I hope I explained it thoroughly enough for you. 🙂

  36. And thanks to everyone, for your support and understanding. To all who wrote comments here, offered support via other venues, and even those who offered their silent support (I “feel” your love 🙂 ), thanks so much.

    I guess some might be wondering how the whole process went. Well, it was surprisingly much easier than I thought it would be. What helped me the most was realizing one fact: I never actually loved AJ.

    I was sure that I wasn’t in love with him anymore, but when I realized that love was never there in the first place, all unhappy feelings just left. And, really, I feel better than I ever have.

    I realized it wasn’t love that I felt for him, but attachment and comfort. And as a person with an anxious attachment style, I wasn’t ready to have the object of my attachment taken away, even though I thought I was. But I wasn’t in love at all.

    I had to think: Is he irreplaceable? No. He’s an average guy, in every way. There are plenty of average guys for the picking. And plenty of guys that wouldn’t do the things he did. Would I like to be involved with him in the future? Objectively, no. (Thanks for that, zek.) Is he worth much of anything to me? No. So I’d rather keep the trash than have him in my life in any way.

    Of course, I also felt hurt by the way he had treated me and allowed me to be treated, because I simply don’t understand such cruelty. I’d never treat a person in such a way, especially not one that I used to care for. That he is trying to make this into something I did wrong is quite sad. But no matter. I’m not at all concerned with him, in any fashion. He could fly to Venus and back, and I wouldn’t know or care. I will work out my own self-hosting, in time.

    I tested myself, by trying to feel bad about this situation, and it didn’t work. I just felt like dancing when I got home (and I did). Because, truly, it’s a lot of weight off my shoulders. I’m so happy, there’s a permanent smile on my face.

    So thanks again to all that offered your advice.

    Now, where’s the number of that cute guy I spoke to the other day…

    Just kidding. 🙂

  37. Thanks, Nkosazana.

    You’re going to have to show me some pictures of your Paul Walker-ish brother-in-law. Depending on how things go, I might have to find a way to leave the country. 😉

  38. Mira, he’s been in a few movies. But I think he’s more relevant for his looks; that’s how I first found out about him. His eye area is exquisite. And his body… I usually wouldn’t go for the whole “abs/buff” guy, but his is nice.

  39. You’re going to have to show me some pictures of your Paul Walker-ish brother-in-law.

    Just as soon as hes of the market and willing to let me set him up with someone. Then I’ll take some picture of him without a shirt on.

    Btw, he is well equipped down stairs lol. Nothing naughty but I’ve seen it once in the Sauna (something you better get used to if you ever were to move here) 😉

  40. Nkosazana,

    “I’ll take some picture of him without a shirt on.”

    Ha. You know me too well!

    …He’s got a Paul Walker-ish body too? 😉

    “Btw, he is well equipped down stairs lol. Nothing naughty but I’ve seen it once in the Sauna”

    I just blushed and smiled to myself at that one. Because you’re mentioning this about your own brother-in-law. Lol.

    I could definitely get used to the sauna (read: really used to). Your family seems like it has lots of fun.

    And what does it say that, no matter the post or how serious the subject matter, we nearly always end it by talking about hot men? I think I encourage this — I’m such a terrible blogger. 🙂

  41. …He’s got a Paul Walker-ish body too? 😉

    He is fine, but he’s not as buff as hubby. He’s more on the slim side than buff side.

    I just blushed and smiled to myself at that one. Because you’re mentioning this about your own brother-in-law. Lol

    Ah knowing him he would just laugh. My in laws are really not that prudish or shy.

    I could definitely get used to the sauna (read: really used to). Your family seems like it has lots of fun

    You would have to try the mandatory dip into the snow/ice cold sea then 😉
    We are a closed knit family no doubt about that. Dinner every Sunday at hubby’s parents house and just get together a lot!

    we nearly always end it by talking about hot men? I think I encourage this — I’m such a terrible blogger.

    Not complaining at all lol.

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