This article was previously published. It has been slightly revised and is being republished for new thoughts and responses.
What are some warning signs that a relationship is unhealthy or doomed for failure?
Here is my personal list of red flags that a relationship is potentially harmful or is headed for disaster (in no particular order):
1. Lack of Commitment
If a person constantly avoids making solid commitments to the relationship, in a reasonable time, that’s a huge signal that they may not take the relationship seriously, now or in the future. It’s also a sign that they may be emotionally immature and not ready for a serious relationship.
2. Disinterest in Hobbies/Beliefs
If a partner regularly shows that they don’t care about the things you’re passionate about, that may be a sign that they’re not as interested in you as a person. A relationship that is mutually supportive is a lasting and fulfilling one.
3. Verbal Abuse
This point speaks for itself. If a person is repeatedly lashing out or uses abusive language, it’s a sign that the relationship, if it begins, will be harmful or escalate into physical abuse.
4. Many Failed Relationships
If a person’s past is littered with many failed relationships, it’s a sign that they are unable or unwilling to support a relationship over a longer period.
5. Failing to Protect
A person who doesn’t feel the need to protect their partner from physical or emotional harm or puts their partner in harm’s way isn’t worth the time. They don’t care enough about their partner or the relationship.
6. Manipulative Behavior
Attempting to gain the upper hand over a significant other through manipulation shows that the person is self-serving and willing to psychologically harm their partner to get what they want.
7. Disregarding Boundaries
Pressuring a significant other to do things they do not want to, or ignoring refusals is a huge red flag. Healthy relationships work with respect for each other’s needs and personal space.
8. Chronic Fault-Finding
A person who is always criticizing their partner is an emotional and psychological drain. Constant criticism will surely leave a partner unhappy. In addition, it shows a person believes their views and way of being are the only correct ones.
9. Competitiveness
Seeing your partner as competition can wear them and the relationship down. People want to celebrate their achievements with their significant other, not feel like they in are in a struggle.
10. Overly Flirtatious
Flirting with others is a sign that a person needs constant reaffirmation of their self-worth, is self-centered, and/or doesn’t care about their partner’s feelings.
11. Talking Bad About Ex-Partners
A person talking bad about their past partners and relationships is a huge red flag, yet one that is routinely overlooked. A person’s perspective on prior engagements — the amount of responsibility they take for break-ups, what went wrong in the relationship, how they dealt with it — tells you much about how they deal with relationships in general. If they belittle their exes and past relationship, you should take this is as a warning sign. After all, the chances favor you becoming the ex one day.
What are your personal red flags in dating and relationships?
See also:
aloftyexistence 
i agree with all of these points except #2. it’s good for your partner to be interested or supportive of your hobbies, because it shows they’re willing to go outside their comfort-zone and engage with you about new things — but i wouldn’t go so far as to say that sharing similar interests are the cornerstone of a relationship. books, movies, music, these things matter (to paraphrase high fidelity) but not more so than love, trust, and understanding.
Zek,
but i wouldn’t go so far as to say that sharing similar interests are the cornerstone of a relationship.”
That was a typo, sorry; wrote that while multi-tasking. Revised. 🙂
oh, haha, no worries then! =)
My experience wasn’t in a relationship but a first encounter with this really handsome guy. A couple of years ago, I was studying for my finals at Barnes & Nobles with a coffee and brownie. So this guy struck up a conversation with me; I later found out that he had assumed that I was about 19 or 20. He didn’t seem too bothered when I told him that I was 26 but….. A few minutes into our conversation, he told me how beautiful I was but that I might want to watch out for the brownie because I wasn’t as young as I used to be and my metabolism isn’t what it used to be. Before I could say anything else, he further reassured me that my weight was fine for now and that I looked good for my age. This is my first time ever meeting and speaking with this guy. Unfortunately, I hadn’t read your PUA article so I didn’t know the technical term but I was so put off by him and it was a definite hell no when he asked for my number. I’m a definite believer that if you watch out for these little signs in the beginning, you might avoid the heartache that follows because if I had gotten into a relationship with this jerk, he would have tried to “break” me. Loser.
Hi Udara. 🙂
You said,
“A few minutes into our conversation, he told me how beautiful I was but that I might want to watch out for the brownie because I wasn’t as young as I used to be and my metabolism isn’t what it used to be.”
Neg Alert.
“Unfortunately, I hadn’t read your PUA article so I didn’t know the technical term”
Lol. Precisely.
Needless to say, negging/typecasting is a serious red flag.
…Actually, I don’t even think negging qualifies as a flag. It’s more like a red light. Or a red steel-reinforced concrete wall.
Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
“Loser.”
You’re too kind.
Overly Flirtatious
Oh hell no.
Anyway, I’m not that experienced in relationships since I really only had one. So I will back out of this one 🙂
Nkosazana,
“Oh hell no.”
Indeed.
“Anyway, I’m not that experienced in relationships since I really only had one. So I will back out of this one”
You dated before marrying, right? So you can still participate. The title should really be “Red Flags in Relationships and Dating”, but I’m a fan of simple, shorter titles.
I guess that COULD be dating but I feel now that it was so childish that it almost don’t count, like “Would you be my girlfriend/boyfriend” teenage stuff. I kinda just ignore men after that up to hubby.
I think I lucked out so well with my husband, that I did not have to deal with too much messy things before that. Heck he could have abused me and I would have thought it was normal to a adult relationship, thats how fresh I was to dating for real.
Nkosazana,
‘I guess that COULD be dating but I feel now that it was so childish that it almost don’t count, like “Would you be my girlfriend/boyfriend” teenage stuff.’
Lol. Were they written with pink
crayonpen? 🙂“I think I lucked out so well with my husband, that I did not have to deal with too much messy things before that.”
Maybe, maybe not. I’ll need a little more info on him before I co-sign that.
…Just kidding. 😉
Amen on 4 and 11. Especially if your partner blames her ex on why all of her past relationships didn’t work out. Double red flag if she says all her ex’s where assholes. Triple red flag if she has a kid with one of them. Actually I don’t think I would ever date a woman with a kid regardless, finding a quality one is a needle in a haystack.
Also add in if once you start to get serious, your partner starts kicking back and not doing any of the things that made them attractive in the first place. Whether that be working out, attitude, eating habits, starts cutting back on hygiene, etc etc etc
that guy,
“Especially if your partner blames her ex on why all of her past relationships didn’t work out.”
Yes. If they take no responsibility, or essentially no responsibility, for their break-ups, that’s a red flag. It’s a sign they can’t, or won’t, see their own faults.
I pay special attention to the way a person talks about their past relationships and how they treat their exes.
“Double red flag if she says all her ex’s where assholes. Triple red flag if she has a kid with one of them.”
Lol! What kind of drama have you been getting into? 😉
“Actually I don’t think I would ever date a woman with a kid regardless, finding a quality one is a needle in a haystack.”
Hmmm, I wouldn’t say that. I know women who have children and they seem like they would make great partners; they are good friends and mothers.
But I know it can be hard regardless of the woman’s personal qualities. With a child comes extra responsibility and you will have to share that responsibility with her if the relationship becomes more serious.
Udara
This is a TRUE story about the guy who wanders up to you at a cafe and advise you on the adverse effects of eating a brownie … before proceeding to ask you for your phone number?
Who would do this? Seriously. Has any woman anywhere in the world ever agreed to hand over her magic ten digits after a stranger suggested that she needs to think about signing up for weight watchers? It’s inconceivable to me, I mean once you talk about a woman’s weight … you are finished …. go there and you are dead in the water, saying anything else is like trying to douse a fire with gasoline in an attempt to put it out.
If a woman blows you off, in a rude way, then maybe a guy can say something snarky about her weight, but only as a sour grapes sort of “face save”, knowing full well that there is no hope of getting a date anyway. The classic “face save” line is when you ask a hot girl to dance at a night club, and she turns you down flat … like she is there by the edge of the dance floor dancing by herself looking desperate to join the fun, and you ask her to join you, and she yells “No thanks, I don’t feel like dancing right now”. So then you can use the world’s best “face save” … which is you yell right back over the blaring noise “No, you misunderstood me, I didn’t ask you to dance … what I said was you look FAT in those PANTS”. This isn’t a “neg” though, more like a nuclear warhead.
Anyway back to the topic at hand. Red flags. I have three reliable ones that have guided me through the years, with ever increasing subtlety.
1) She browses women’s online dating profiles and emails to me those profiles she thinks I would be interested in.
2) She introduces me to the guy who she has been hooking up with lately.
3) She serves me with a restraining order. Once I get the restraining order, I know the relationship is definitely in trouble and maybe it’s time that we should go see the couples counselor whom her friend recommended to us six months prior.
But all kidding aside, I think it’s always a “feeling” sort of thing …. an unmistakable sinking feeling that the relationship is in bad shape and getting worse by the day. It’s the feeling that has inspired a vast number of break up songs such as “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling”, and thousands more. If you are confused and think maybe you are getting the wrong signal, just listen to the country music channel for an hour, and if the songs actually resonate with you, then you know there really is a problem. It’s sort of like the definition of pornography … hard to really define … but we all know it when we see it. I think Relationship Red Flags are sort of like this. If your spider sense is going off like a fire alarm that something is “wrong” here … then there is something wrong, end of story.
Rob,
What? Lol @ the first half of your response. You commenters always make me laugh. 🙂
I don’t question Udara’s story at all. It is very believable — I’ve had similar things happen to me, and seen and heard of similar events. It’s not uncommon.
And you seem to have missed a very important aspect of her story:
“he told me how beautiful I was but that I might want to watch out for the brownie because I wasn’t as young as I used to be and my metabolism isn’t what it used to be. Before I could say anything else, he further reassured me that my weight was fine for now and that I looked good for my age.”
A common tactic with negging is to immediately compliment the woman after the neg. This is supposed to make the neg even more effective. After you’ve made the woman insecure, you serve as her self-esteem “safety net” to bring her back to her confident, secure state. She is relieved and grateful, and thus more open to your advances.
In theory.
So, yes, it is quite conceivable that a guy would warn a woman about eating fattening foods, if he then reassures her that she is not fat and, in fact, looks very good. Then ask for her number.
—
Your #s 1-3 are some pretty clear red flags. Yup, I’d say if a woman serves you with a restraining order, the relationship is probably not meant to be. Probably. 😉
I agree that there is a sinking feeling when you know (but don’t know you know) the relationship is heading south. A sure sign.
“listen to the country music channel for an hour, and if the songs actually resonate with you, then you know there really is a problem.”
Ha, I like country love songs and I think I agree with that sentiment. I love “Someone Else Calling You Baby” (good “red flag” song). Luke Bryan is a cutie too. 🙂
I needed this list in 2005. It would have saved me from some major heartache; however, you live and you learn.
Since that experience, I can’t lie…it took another heartache to make me say, “Damnit! You saw the signs, so why not pay attention?” After that, I was a red flag detector always.
Eliss,
‘Since that experience, I can’t lie…it took another heartache to make me say, “Damnit! You saw the signs, so why not pay attention?” ‘
That can happen. Sometimes people willing overlook the red flags that are waving in their face like crazy, simply because they really like someone or want to be in a relationship. But it’s rarely worth it to do that; you have to try to see things for what they are. Eventually you will, anyway.
@ alee
Women always seem nice on the outside. For most crazy women, the craziness only appears once you start having sex with them. So to any onlookers, they appear completely normal.
One girl at my job everyone thought she was a complete sweetheart, until we found out that she got upset at her ex boyfriend for buying her the wrong style purse, and she then through his Xbox out the window and broke it, then stomped on all his CD’s. And this was your typical Abercrombie and Fitch blonde hair country music type girl, not trailer trash by any means.
@Rob
Am so late with the response but that totally happened and the sad thing was that I was so attracted to him before he opened his mouth and started talking.
Alee took the words out of my mouth with her reply. Unfortunately, there is such a thing as PUA and it does you great credit that you can’t even imagine that guys like these exist.
that guy,
“For most crazy women, the craziness only appears once you start having sex with them. So to any onlookers, they appear completely normal.”
Lol. Is that so? 🙂
Is it that they were always crazy or something drove them crazy? It’s easy to label a person’s behavior… not so easy to figure out the root of that behavior.
But no comment on the story about the X-box… 😕
—
Udara,
“Unfortunately, there is such a thing as PUA and it does you great credit that you can’t even imagine that guys like these exist.”
Rob knows these men exist. But for some reason he wants to believe they are more well-meaning than they appear to be.
Late to the party again, but here are my thoughts. These are things that personally happened to me, and once I learned my lessons, I cut these types of guys off very quickly.
1. Lack of Commitment
This is a huge one. I was a bit naive in my younger days and didn’t realize how many guys were out here dating just to be dating… and that they could date you regularly for a few months and then say they weren’t interested in a relationship. I was like, what’s the point? I’ve always been relationship oriented and didn’t understand why someone would spend a good amount of time with a woman with no long-term intentions. Oh well, I learned from that!
2. Disinterest in Hobbies/Beliefs
Only had this happen when a guy would want me to get involved in things he liked, but didn’t extend the same when it came to me. He always found a way to do other things or cancel or whatever when it was my turn to suggest something I’d like.
3. Verbal Abuse
Heh, I have a sharp tongue, so this didn’t happen to me. I’m sure the fact that I was always ready to bark back when I encountered foolishness chased away the potential verbal abusers. So I give myself a pat on the back for this one… even as a young girl, I never took crap from a dude.
6. Manipulative Behavior
See above!
8. Chronic Fault-Finding
See above, again! Whenever I got a hint of fault-finding that I felt was inappropriate, I would say something rather nasty in return. That ended that. Tee hee.
9. Competitiveness
Ha, I knew a guy like this. He thought he was an IBM and liked to parade around his accomplishments… until he got angry that his paled in comparison to mine. I wouldn’t have cared one way or the other really, but dude, you start bragging about stuff that is NOT. ALL. THAT. IMPRESSIVE. and I will put you in your place. Another guy later on was like this as well, but it was because he had pretty low self-esteem and hated that I was much farther along in my educational and career goals than he was, and he was eight years older. I was like, well, that’s your problem, isn’t it?
11. Talking Bad About Ex-Partners
Recently-divorced men are VERY good for this. That’s why I started leaving them alone if I found out on the first date that they were divorced less than a year ago. Sometimes even longer than that.
As for my personal red flags… well, recently divorced is a big one! Sit your behind on the couch for a while homie… I ain’t the one!
Bunny,
“Late to the party again, but here are my thoughts.”
Why, hello. I thought you would never arrive. 😀
I’m with you on Lack of Commitment. It’s hard to understand, but people will indeed date with no purpose other than dating. Or “having fun”.
Lol at you beating the men to the punch with Verbal Abuse and Fault-Finding. Get ’em. 🙂
“Ha, I knew a guy like this. He thought he was an IBM and liked to parade around his accomplishments…”
Same… the so-called IBM was one of the most competitive men I’d ever dated. It was one of the main reasons we broke up.
“As for my personal red flags… well, recently divorced is a big one! Sit your behind on the couch for a while homie… I ain’t the one!”
Lol. Why is that? And what do you consider “recently divorced” — less than a year? I’m interested to know; I can’t say I have too much experience with recently divorced men.
LOL, Alee, not to say that I haven’t had my moments of feeling not-so-great about myself and all, but I think that for the most part, I felt relatively good about myself growing up and felt I was reasonably cute, so if a guy tried to put me down in any way, it just was laughable to me because I knew he was soooo far off. People can say what they want, but I think that giving a girl or young woman a bit of inner cockiness might actually be a good thing, because it guards them against the type of guys they might meet later on who want to “knock them down a peg.” It’s actually good, in a way, to feel that you’re a bit better than the (lousy) men that are approaching and behave accordingly.
Okay, so the recently divorced guys… yeah, I think I’ve had too much experience with them considering my age. I didn’t think I’d have to deal with those kinds of guys unless I was 35 and single. Then it would have made sense.
But I think living in Florida put me in the orbit of a number of men who married young (like early 20s, even late teens) and divorced after 4-5 years, making them 28-33 and divorced. So when I was 25, I could be dating a 28-year-old (no big deal), but he had already been married and divorced! That’s not as common up North.
Anyway, by recently divorced, I mean less than a year out from signing the papers. Don’t listen to the mess they say about how they really have been unattached longer than that (they count the separation period as well and say they knew the marriage was dead long before the papers they sign).
What happens though is that they don’t realize how much healing and processing they really need to do after the marriage ends, even if it was a bad marriage and even if they no longer feel an attachment to the ex-wife. Divorce is a very painful experience, and divorce counselors ALWAYS tell men to not jump into anything new really quickly, and men ALWAYS ignore that advice.
I think there’s a need to feel that they “still have it,” or if not that, they just miss the constant companionship they had from a woman when they were married, so they fall hard for one of the first new women that cross their paths.
Problem is, these guys often don’t realize until a few months in that they are not ready for that level of commitment so soon, and usually, they end up dropping that woman. I really try to warn younger women who might be a little green about dating (like I was at 25) to not get serious with these types of guys if they want a serious relationship. If they just want a fling, well hey, have at it. But it’s the worst feeling and such a time-waster to be pursued by a man who hasn’t fully processed all of the emotions that come with a divorce and instead throws himself into the dating pool and makes a mess of his new relationships.
I’ll end with showing how their relationship cycles usually progress. I’ve seen this so many times, it’s almost routine.
1. Separation (and sometimes dating while separated)
2. Official divorce
3. Date like crazy (and try to find the youngest women possible)
4. Fall head over heels for a new woman about 3-6 months after the divorce, maybe call her a girlfriend.
5. Call it off 3-6 months later because he realizes he’s not ready.
6. Lather, rinse, repeat a few times.
7. About a year or two after the official divorce, he finally gets tired of getting stalked, getting cars keyed by angry women (LOL), having pregnancy scares and STD scares and puts a moratorium on dating. (Note: None of these women were me!!!)
8. Man throws himself into a big project or lifelong dream, like joining the FBI.
9. Man devotes 2-4 years to that dream, and NOW is finally ready for a serious relationship.
10. Remarriage.
The end. 😀
Bunny,
‘People can say what they want, but I think that giving a girl or young woman a bit of inner cockiness might actually be a good thing, because it guards them against the type of guys they might meet later on who want to “knock them down a peg.” ‘
Absolutely… Or even women who want to knock them down a peg.
“Don’t listen to the mess they say about how they really have been unattached longer than that”
Yes. Even outside of marriage, people/men like to pretend they are over things faster than they really are. Some even convince themselves that they are completely over it, when everything says otherwise.
“What happens though is that they don’t realize how much healing and processing they really need to do after the marriage ends, even if it was a bad marriage and even if they no longer feel an attachment to the ex-wife.”
This is so true even in the case of a non-married relationship, you have no idea.
I think you missed your calling — you should have been a relationship counselor. *nods head*
“The end. :D”
*stands and applauds*
Nice breakdown of the relationship cycle. LMAO at #7. Really useful comment, Bunny. 🙂
Alee,
Absolutely… Or even women who want to knock them down a peg.
Good point. There are indeed women who want to do this. Middle school and high school can be ridiculous.
I know people worry about women feeling so high and mighty that they look past completely nice guys, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. There can be a balance that allows a girl or young woman to feel confident enough in herself to be able to shake off male and female “haters” and avoid some of those red flags you mentioned, but still leaves her open enough to appreciate the right types of guys.
This is so true even in the case of a non-married relationship, you have no idea.
Good point. It definitely is. I’ve always thought that women usually wait too long to start dating after a breakup/divorce, while men don’t wait long enough. The other thing I see is when a woman has a breakup, her girlfriends want to take her out for martinis and girlfriend fun (although that could include flirting with a few guys), while men usually take their divorced/broken-up friend out to a bar to pick up new women. So even if the man is a bit reluctant, he has friends usually egging him on.
I think you missed your calling — you should have been a relationship counselor. *nods head*
Why thank you! I am thinking of doing dating coaching on the side in the future. I don’t think I really thought about any of this though until after a decade of my own dating experiences and then watching my male co-workers from afar as they navigated the dating landscape. Trial and error and observation (and lots of reading and discussion) have honed my relationship/dating evaluation skills!
Nice breakdown of the relationship cycle. LMAO at #7. Really useful comment, Bunny. 🙂
And thank you again! That comment No. 7 was largely based on the foils of a co-worker… and you guessed it, other male co-workers tried to egg him on to pursue me! UGH! I said to all of them really quickly to not even try it because Dude was a hot mess who would just waste my time and he needed to keep his butt on the dating sidelines!
Funny though, the co-worker told me a year later that I was absolutely right and he knew it! He’s now in Step 8… he’s thrown himself into volunteer work and doesn’t date seriously. Maybe takes a woman out for coffee every once in a while, but that’s it.
I realized too that I didn’t have any experience with a guy who was more than a year out of his marriage, but then I realized why. Stages 1-7 rarely last more than a year, so the guy who’s 2-3 years past divorce day often isn’t doing much pursuing. So I either met divorced-in-the-last-year guy, or divorced-four-years-ago guy. RARELY in-between.
Okay, enough of my ranting! Hope that was some valuable information! 🙂
Bunny,
“Good point. There are indeed women who want to do this. Middle school and high school can be ridiculous.”
Yes. And not only in middle and high school! Women (and men) can be like this no matter their chronological age.
“Okay, enough of my ranting! Hope that was some valuable information!”
Rant all you want. I learn a lot from comments. And it was valuable, thanks. 🙂
I agree. But I also think that in order to have a healthy committed relationship, the individual has to be mentally healthy as well. Some relationships are complicated by various things. Personally, I know that I have done some of those things in the list based on my own selfish desires and what I thought would me complete. I have found peace in accepting my spouse for who he is and not “flirting” with guys on the Internet. At some point, I had to grow up and realize that the grass isn’t always greener, and if I have a problem with him, I need to talk to him, not other people.I’m still fighting to win his trust back, I’m still trying to forgive myself, but I’ve gotten better with both. It’s been a long hard road, but I finally “got it”.
funkystarkitty/madamesiamese,
“I also think that in order to have a healthy committed relationship, the individual has to be mentally healthy as well.”
Oh, definitely. I didn’t mention mental health because this is a list of red flags. But mental health is essential to a healthy long-term relationship.
“Personally, I know that I have done some of those things in the list”
Well, I’m probably guilty of #4 (Many Failed Relationships). But most of them took place in high school (so they don’t count, sort-of-kind-of… I hope :)), when I dated any guy who (a) asked me out and (b) I thought was cute. I’ve grown since then.
“At some point, I had to grow up and realize that the grass isn’t always greener, and if I have a problem with him, I need to talk to him, not other people.”
The grass is definitely not greener!
Again, kudos to you for being proactive.
I ignored a lot of red flags from my recent ex. He did the blame game and made all his exes out to be monsters and he was the victim. He even blames his faults on his mother. He doesn’t have a healthy relationship with his mom. My ex was with me for 4 years, we lived together for 3. I never felt I had him, the real him. He was a bit of a shell and he would mirror other people’s emotions. Well he cheated on me, dumped me, kicked me out, yet he chased me all while seeing one of the many girls he cheated on me with. I read his Facebook exchanges between all the other girls, he blamed me told them I was controlling, lazy, crazy, immature, yet never stated any concerns to me.
He made me out to be a horrible person. I laugh at it now because he wasn’t being truthful he just wanted to be a victim and justify his actions for cheating and ending the relationship. I kept trying to make it work and tell him I am aware I made mistakes, but he would brush it off and say “oh its okay”. Looking back I thought his exes were crazy and horrible, but now I am added to that list and he had a backup girl who he is currently dating and calling me names saying the exact same lines to her, she basically told me when I confronted them for cheating behind my back.
She will see one day that HE has the problem and she is not the cure to fix his inner issues. He doesn’t like to be alone, he relationship hops. I learned a lot from this situation. He is not ready to date and if I was so crazy and horrible then why did he chase me and try hard to keep me on the side, have his cake & eat too? He was mad because I didn’t want to be apart of his situation and play dumb being an option so he writes I am a “creeping pathetic cunt bitch”. He’s 30 and has yet to face himself, his mom, and his exes.