5 Signs You’re Dating a Jerk

Dating a jerk? How to know?

It may seem obvious when a guy you’re dating might be a jerk — a rude, selfish boor lacking in even the most basic of manners. However, some jerks are much more subtle, and only reveal their true selves when alone with you or in certain contexts.  It can be difficult to tell if you’re dealing with someone who is angry, honest, or just a garden variety jerk.

That said, the jerk has a few tell-tales signs which are evident in much of his behavior. Over the years of dealing with a variety of jerks, I’ve found that these signs are common to all, and are dead giveaways that you are dealing with a jerky guy:

1. He is always right

Jerks, who usually have an unrealistically positive view of themselves, tend to think they are always right as a result. Or at least mostly right. And always when it counts.

I know, I know — no one is always right. The jerk was never let in on this secret, it seems. Or he disagreed with the person who said it, and since he is always right, well, we’re back to where we started.

2. He criticizes…often

Relationships are about learning and growing but the jerk doesn’t realize that this is a gradual process and a two-way street. He will give “kind” hints that something is not to his liking, and mention it often until it the situation is altered to suit his desires. His criticism is general, extending to people, places, and things alike, and never-ending.

3. He is rude to others

PSA to all women: Any man who is rude to others, regardless of how he treats you, is a jerk. There is no use in denying it or protecting him, because his true jerkish tendencies will be directed toward you, sooner or later. If not, his jerk behavior will make your relationships with others a constant battle.

4.  He ignores your opinion

Ever get the feeling that you’re talking to the air? Are conversations a contest to see who can best the other’s statements? Does your guy ask for your opinion and then do whatever he wants anyway?

You may be dealing with a jerk.

5. He dictates

Confidence is a great trait to have. Don’t confuse a confident guy with a jerk: a confident man is assured of his abilities and does not need to control others. The jerk, on the other hand, is less confident and builds a false sense of security on overtly or covertly bending others to his will. Beware.

See also:

• Unattractive Features in Men
• 7 Types of Men I’d Never Date

Hypocrisy, Sexism, Racism…Kanye, Did I Miss Anything?

Amber Rose, Kanye West

If you keep up with celebrity news, to any extent, by now you’ve heard of the back and forth interview-Twitter wars between socialite Amber Rose, her former boyfriend and my former favorite rapper Kanye West, and the Kardashian family. Tensions have always run high between Amber Rose and the Kardashians as Amber’s relationship with Kanye West ended in part due to Kanye’s involvement with the eldest sibling, Kim Kardashian.

Most recently the situation came to a boiling point when, in a mid-February interview with NY radio station Power 105.1’s The Breakfast Club, Amber Rose made some comments about a few family members when probed by interviewers. Khloe Kardashian took to Twitter in response, asking Amber Rose to stop talking about her family in interviews, but not before mentioning Amber Rose’s past as a stripper, adding, “don’t worry about my sister who has a career.”

However, the most interesting and headlining portion of this tit-for-tat was Kanye West’s response. He appeared on the same radio show several days later, with a few choice words about Amber.

Hypocrisy

Kanye calls out Amber Rose on her alleged promiscuity, saying that because of his relationship with Amber he had to take “30 showers” before being with Kim.

The first thing that comes to mind when one hears such a statement is simply “?”

Hypocrisy is when you attempt to slut-shame a woman for her sexual activities when your wife’s wouldn’t be known to you or the world if she had not taped her sexual activities with a random famous man and been in relationships with countless others. Since, apparently, his wife is free to have been with a million men in her past, he can not make it a crime for another woman to have the same history.

Sexism

Kanye says, “It’s hard for a woman to want to be with someone that’s with Amber Rose”.

Sexism is pinning a woman’s value on how many sexual partners she has had. Has anyone asked Kanye West how many women (and/or men) he has been with? Does anyone care?

Probably not.

His sexual past is irrelevant, as is hers.

Racism

We can not forget the difference in response when black (or black-identified) women display their sexuality versus non-black women.

Kanye, a serious as can be, considers Amber simply dirty for her sexual past. Why is her past such an issue, yet he pursued a woman with a similar background, making her his wife and the mother of his child? What is the difference?

Oh right, their racial backgrounds. Because when black women are open about their sexuality, they are relegated to the pile of unworthiness, to have fun with but not take too seriously. When white women display their sexuality they are made into idols by some, worthy of imitation.

Anything Else?

Kanye sees no issues with making a spectacle of a woman he once loved. This is one of my pet peeves: ex-bashing. Why throw your former partner under the bus because the relationship ended or because you believe you’ve found someone “better”? Those who bash their exes show the world how untrustworthy they are: lover and friend one minute, crucifier the next. We can only hope that the statements he makes about Kim if their relationship ends will be much less demeaning.

Yes, this post is a little (purposely) late. And yes, who cares about what a few over-inflated celebrities spew about each other on Twitter and radio? Well, I do, when it is the perfect chance to illustrate the way sexism and racism are perpetuated in American society, while everyone has a good laugh.

To say I’m disgusted by this display would be an understatement.

See also:

• Kanye – How Could You Be So Heartless?
• Open Letter to Kanye West: It’s Over

Dog Frustration

Cute, but frustrating

 

Since I last updated over a year ago, several things have changed. One major change is that I now have a dog, technically a 9 month old puppy. She is a Golden Retriever and one of the most lovable dogs in the world. Except to me.

I think I hate my puppy.

I know, I know: how can you hate a harmless, cute little puppy who loves you unconditionally?

Let me explain.

My puppy and I, let’s call her Mandy, have a tense relationship, which started from the day I got her in late July of 2014. She was the most adorable thing in the world and I was so excited to have my very own puppy. She squirmed and tried to run away as my boyfriend and I gave her her first bath, and shivered the whole ride home but I was so happy to have her.

Then we got home. Mandy peed on my kitchen floor, then pooped on it a few minutes later, a watery mix of diarrhea. I brought her outside immediately and waited for 30 minutes while she sniffed grass, looked around, and tried to eat bugs. Okay, so she didn’t need to use the bathroom, right? Except she did, and as soon as I brought her back in, she released another sticky brown puddle.

And this was the start of a long journey littered with brown piles: Mandy has big issues with potty training. Mainly, if she feels the urge, she will release her bowels anywhere (including indoors). Waiting until we get to the appropriate spot is not something she does. I have tried tons of training techniques and she does understand the association between outdoors and relieving herself. The problem is that she just doesn’t seem to care.

Now, if her only issue were with potty training then I may not be pushed to the brink of sanity the majority of the time I deal with her. However, I simply don’t like Mandy very much. It is not her fault, and she is a very friendly, playful dog, but I think our personalities are mismatched. In particular, a few things give me the most trouble:

A Lofty Existence Returns

You knew I couldn’t stay away: beginning next week, A Lofty Existence will be regularly updated at least twice a month.

I can’t believe over a year has passed. So much has changed, both personally and in the intricate web that is the Internet. I’ve always meant to get back to blogging, but never had the time.

However, a few things have pushed me out into the blogosphere, again. Events that have compelled me to add my voice into the sea of many, events that I will address in future posts.

So, if anyone is still out there, I’m back! But even if no one is: I’ll continue to post my thoughts about events in the world, social issues, personal issues and anything else that comes to mind.

 

A Lofty Existence Closing…For Now

I have come to a decision: as much as I would like to, I will no longer be adding new posts to this blog on a regular basis. In other words, A Lofty Existence is closed. However, not completely. I will likely be adding new posts on an infrequent basis, so if you are a new reader or an old one and really enjoy the blog, you may want to keep your subscription or subscribe if you have not. The blog will stay up, complete with all posts and comments, and I will be approving new comments.

After three years of blogging on a regular basis, this was not an easy decision. I learned a lot in that time, and enjoyed sharing and interacting with commenters. I would like to say thanks to everyone who contributed to the blog, in one form or another. I truly do appreciate it and I’ll keep in touch!

Nope, Not Buying It Lululemon

Okay, okay, Lululemon — you win! I will never even think of buying one piece of your overpriced clothing.

Athletic apparel brand Lululemon has, once again, turned off their consumer base by making insensitive, belittling comments about women’s bodies. Not too long ago the brand was forced to recall some of its yoga pants after customers complained that the pants became see-through when worn. In response, Lululemon founder Chip Wilson blamed women for the recall, claiming that “Quite frankly, some women’s bodies just actually don’t work” with the pants; it’s because of “rubbing through the thighs, how much pressure is there over time.” In other words, “Hey, you big-thighed/overweight/bottom-heavy women, please stop wearing our pants. You’re killing them! They’re meant for slim women.”

As if it couldn’t get worse, their latest “Huh?” commentary comes from their location in Bethesda, Maryland. For the holidays the store decided to play on Wilson’s comments about women’s thighs with a lovely poem in their front window: “Cups of Chai/Apple Pies/Rubbing Thighs” This, on top of comments by former employees that the company discriminates against bigger sizes and wants to be the go-to brand for the “fit” and stylish.”

Lulu is clearly suffering from an incurable case of foot (thigh?)-in-mouth syndrome. As anyone could have predicted, Chip Wilson took back his comments after a petition was circulated, demanding that he apologize for his words, and the Maryland store promptly removed their window rhyme, adding that they were “deeply sorry”. But what are they really sorry about? Making hurtful, disparaging comments about women or the dollars that they see slipping from their hands? Moreover, the damage has been done and their shares continue to fall.

Now, some ask, what’s the big deal about their comments? Why should those who have extra weight or bigger bottoms wear stretchy, tight pants material? Why can’t a brand be particular about its customers?

This issue is bigger than the right of women with big thighs to wear trendy yoga pants. The issue is one of a culture which green-lights a negative, shaming attitude toward women and their bodies which don’t fit its idea of beautiful. When comments like this are made, all women are affected by the perpetuation of thinking which values (and devalues) women based solely on their outward appearance. Even the slimmest of women are made to wonder what flaws of theirs people are secretly laughing at, as they have another plain salad for lunch. Women who are attempting to work out and be healthy should be encouraged, not shamed.

So, nope, not buying it Lululemon. Not buying your numerous apologies after making hurtful, sexist comments about the women who made you into a multi-million dollar company. And definitely not buying your poor quality, $90+ Spandex.

A Lofty Existence is Three Years Old

This week the blog reached its third year in existence. A long time coming, for a tiny blog at the corner of the Internet.

Now that A Lofty Existence has reached true blog seniority, it is time to make a decision. Should the blog remain active and reach its fourth year and beyond, or has it served its purpose?

When I began this blog I had few plans as to how long it would remain open, I just knew that I wanted to write and have a place to share my thoughts, as well as connect with online acquaintances. And when I began this blog I was at a totally different point in my life than I am now. Currently, although I still love blogging, I don’t have much time to dedicate to writing posts. And as is obvious, a blog is nothing without its posts.

At the moment I’m weighing the pros and cons of two very different options — end my blogging by the beginning of the new year or make my new year’s resolution to stick to a strict schedule for posting and move my blog to a dedicated server. It will be a tough decision, but whichever option I choose, the blog will remain open.

As the new year is still several weeks away, I still have time to come to a decision, which I will post at that time. Right now, I’ll wish A Lofty Existence a Happy Birthday and all readers Happy Holidays!

Attractive Personality Traits in Men

A previous post, Attractive Features in Men covered the physical features I find most attractive in men. But what about a man’s mental and emotional traits? Which personality characteristics increase a man’s appeal? Here is my personal list of the most attractive personality traits in men.

1. Intellectually Curious

Intellectual curiosity adds tremendously to a man’s attractiveness. The eagerness and willingness to learn new things and increase one’s knowledge makes a person that much more interesting. There is more to discuss, share, and do.

2. Open

Related to intellectual curiosity, a man who shows an openness of mind is receptive to new ways of being and is able to adapt and accommodate the unfamiliar or unknown. Such a trait makes it easier to deal with all the changes life brings.

3. Independent

While independence of body is great, independence of mind is most attractive. Independence of mind means being able to absorb and analyze information and come to decisions without needing the input of others. An independent man knows his own values, wants, and needs, and doesn’t mind if others may disagree with them.

4. Committed

It might seem obvious but being able to stay committed to what they start is a trait which distinguishes certain men from others. Too many become distracted, lose focus, or can’t muster the will to stick to see something all the way through. A man who can stay the course has wide appeal.

5. Quirky

Just a pinch of peculiar makes a person more exciting to be around. I enjoy a man who is a bit offbeat, one whose behavior and way of being isn’t quite expected. A man who is different from the crowd catches my eye and holds my interest.

6. Emotionally Intelligent

A man with emotional intelligence understands his own emotions and how they affect him and those around him. He is able to foster positive relationships and minimize conflict with others. It goes without saying that this is a very valuable trait to have in an intimate relationship.

7. Loving

A man who is truly loving has depth of feeling for those close to him and isn’t afraid to express these feelings from time to time, in the way he knows how. He considers it important to make sure that those significant in his life are reminded of his love for them. Whether that be through words or actions, a loving man is attractive to women and in general.

Which characteristics are on your list? What make a man attractive to you?

See also:

• For the Love of Shy Men
• Why Women Love Geeks

Sugar Nation

Sugar Nation, a 2011 book by fitness writer Jeffrey O’Connell, is an honest, fresh look at the nutritional roots of insulin resistance and diabetes. Combining extensive research and personal experience, the author offers a compelling intimate account of his own battle with run-away blood sugar and its many effects. At the same time Jeff O’Connell takes on the advice of the medical establishment and drug industry which call for treatments which not only don’t help the condition but can make it worse.

Whether you have issues with insulin and diabetes or a genetic predisposition to it, this book is an informative and entertaining look at preventing a range of health issues and improving your well-being, simply by cleaning up your diet and increasing your fitness.

So Much More Than Sugar

Although the book is titled Sugar Nation, the author’s main point encompasses more than that: he uses a wealth of research to demonstrate that empty, refined carbohydrates and their prevalence in the modern food industry have caused an epidemic of insulin resistance, diabetes, and the accompanying conditions of high blood pressure and heart conditions.

This is both the book’s strongest and weakest point: while recognizing that other carbohydrates beyond sugar, such as potatoes, rice, and wheat products wreak havoc with the blood sugar, the author seems to overreach by condemning a whole food group. While everyone could benefit by introducing more whole foods and eliminating nutritionally deficient carbohydrates, the fervor with which the author advocates for avoidance of all carbs is reminiscent of the anti-fat and meat advice of those which he opposes.

Thin and Healthy, So What?

This book proves insightful because it presents an atypical case. Outwardly, Jeff O’Connell was the epitome of health: fit, slim, and active. As a fitness writer and head of a large fitness website, he prided himself on being informed about nutrition and health. Most would not expect, including the author himself, that his body was constantly in flux.

His condition also presented an atypical case of insulin resistance where a person’s blood sugar dips to extremely low levels. What do you do when, by all appearances you are healthy, but you can’t help feeling something is not right?

Pass the Meat

O’Connell struggled with blood sugar which was usually quite low, but after meals reached levels which would be considered diabetic. As a result he felt jittery, moody, and was always looking for his next carbohydrate fix. Wondering what was wrong, on one doctor’s appointment he received his diagnosis: pre-diabetes. Having a father who avoided treating his diabetes and faced the severe consequences later, O’Connell was determined to control his blood sugar and find a path to better health.

Noting that foods high in carbohydrates caused his blood sugar to destabilize, the author read more into the link between carbs and insulin resistance and decided to completely overhaul his diet. He cut out the snacks and fast foods he was accustomed to and based his diet on meats and vegetables. As he suspected, on his next appointment his health profile was better than it had ever been; most notably his blood sugar returned to normal range and A1C –the measure of your blood sugar levels over a few months– drastically improved.

While Sugar Nation can go off on tangents at points and isn’t without its flaws, it is an interesting read for the seemingly simple idea that it presents and achieves: that, equipped with the right tools, a person can take control of their own health.

 

Blogging on Blogging: Criticism

For those who love blogging, it can be fun and rewarding. At the same time, owning and keeping up an engaging and informative blog is hard work — much more than it may seem to those reading the finished product. Feedback on posts and topics of discussion are always appreciated, however, feedback sometimes crosses the line into criticism which isn’t so constructive. Some even extend their criticism to other outlets — other blogs, forums, and the like.

While even unwarranted, negative feedback can help and spur a blogger to improve their writing, it for the most part detrimental. Besides the obvious result of demotivating the blogger who is criticized, it wastes time and creates a negative atmosphere. Among others, here are a few more reasons you should rethink or reformulate any critiques you’re contemplating sending a blogger’s way:

1. Blogging takes guts

To blog means to lay out your innermost thoughts and feelings. Needless to say, this isn’t the easiest thing to do. Scrutinizing a particularly personal post teaches the blogger that their ideas and thoughts are not welcome and discourages them from ever bearing their literary souls again.

2. It easier to tear down than build up

Those who criticize a blogger or blog post tend to feel that they can do better, or that the writing is simply not good enough. However, there is a world of difference between reading and critiquing, and creating. If you don’t believe this, try it.

3. A blogger is their greatest critic

Yes, before you ever see the blogger’s post it’s usually been raked over for the slightest mistake or misstep. While some may simply type and publish, most posts are read, corrected, and rewritten a few times. The act of writing makes a critic of any writer; it creates it own improvement.

All of the above said, criticism is necessary and I welcome it. But criticism can overstay its welcome when it hinders rather than promotes. Critics are needed, but thoughtful, honest writing is in short of supply. Instead of criticizing, it seems some chronic criticizers could better use their time by writing themselves; showing by example how a wonderful article or post is written.

How do you feel about criticizing blog posts and bloggers? If you have a blog, have you encountered criticism and how did you deal with it?